Destiny, Fate, Whatever.

There were times that I would just want to believe that such things exist: you know, the common chick flick endings or some plot beginners for lots of romance drama genre anime or Korean Drama. They all end up happily—the ending always becomes the first catchy coupling in the story gets to be tied by that certain bond they termed in many different ways. Yes, that includes the destiny stuff.

I know I could not rely on that from the very start of my first relationship. I would want to think of it that way, but what actually happened was I relied too much on destiny during my first years of puberty, and it just so happened that the actual relationship made me feel not to believe eventually on it. I used to be the type of girl who knows that the story of this and that has a correlation of this and that in my then life. Ah, how pathetic for me to rely on that theory that really doesn’t make sense to me right now. I mean it rarely applies, and yeah, I am open to the possibility of its application in my life.

I hated lots of instances that made me believe in destiny and that of fate. There were times something was almost there yet I didn’t grab the chance, and of course the traditional (more traditional) destiny made it either too tragic or too sappy for me and here I am ending miserably. Both of those instances get to me, and that is not the reason why I don’t want to believe in destiny. It is because when it seems to have locked you in place in preparation of what’s destined to happen, it appears that you’ll have to realize how worthless your so-called destined life is and how it sucks to be directed by that unknown red string tied to you and to someone else and yes the rest is cliché. You would want to get out of your life now, and hope for the other unrealistic chance encounters that would make you firmly believe that the next encounter would not be destiny: but CHOICE. Therefore, the theory that we pick the ones we should love appears, and then it’s all about the reality, the ROI’s, the must-be-this-and-that kind of thinking. That is how I look at it in my perspective, and it is not beneficial to me or to anyone else.

I like it when I read the horoscope compatibility. It goes to what I would want destiny to become. Here’s not the catch. I would want to say the cliché and overused phrase: I’ll create my own destiny.

September!!

It’s funny when I just knew that something had occurred to me when seemingly I’m without my consciousness. Oh yeah, right now I think I might be succumbed to the F mania as I spend my sem-ender days idly. But wait, I’m having a lot of fun right now, so the F’s doesn’t matter to me anymore!

Aside from the downside yet happy “upside”, I’m currently pursuing stuffs like applying in an academic organization (CIRCA) and of course having extended my social life like there is no tomorrow. I’m also beginning to date the normal way (this is quite a complicated thing to state here) with the same guy back to the old ways.

Anyway, since I’m hyped by the new month and I’m hyped by the subsequent movie watching I’ve been doing the whole of August and start of September, I will just tell of the bad things I predicted (and also that is for me to be reminded of what I should be doing!).

Of course, there are 3 oral presentations to be accomplished, two for major subjects and the other for Psych. These will be presented in class, so it must be done effectively. The Psych report has no problems, although I’m REALLY bothered by the Ethics class report (bear with me because I have a group mate who is thrice as bum as I am). The Psych would be done first, on the 10th while the Ethics would be on the 22nd. The Land Use Planning report would be on the 23rd and this bothers me as well, because I haven’t been going to 191 class for about 5 consecutive meetings (uh-oh).

September is also field trip month, that is why I’m having 2 field trips on the same week. On the 7th, we’re going to the Ombudsman for Ethics class and on the 9th, we’re going to NAMRIA for Land Administration class.

September is the DANCING IN SEPTEMBER month (obviously!) so I’m thinking of watching it (if my PE is still working after missing out on 10+ UAAP games :|). Anyway, I don’t think it would work out, so I’ll skip this event and wait for my grade of 5 in PE and attend BELLYDANCING classes next semester (booyeah!)

Papers, on the other hand, had been haunting me for days. I have 2 papers for my 191 and another for 142, a Newsletter for Psych, and of course my SLO assessment paper. Oh, the drama. 191 is just the thing that’s hard to accomplish.

Home works are too many for me, but I haven’t been doing the Accounting ones. Oh right. I am to fail Accounting this year again. :P Yay for third take! Econ home works are group thingies, that is why I’m not worried (thanks to the younger group mate who does the maths and stats and for the diligent graduating group mate who takes care of the paperwork).

Let me not forget about the 4’s I’m about to clear: Stat 101—> the long forgotten 4 and expiring this sem, PA 113—> still has time for it, PA 121—> could be cleared any time of the year. And of course, the exams that are about to occur: Accounting and Econ :D

Lastly, my org application stuff: I would start memorizing the preamble of the CIRCA consti, raise money for the IGP, find my missing tambay card (pfft! But then they know I tambay an awful lot), and of course accomplish the sigsheet. Worry for the FR later :D

I never thought September would be the busiest. But I never thought of it that way. September is my FUN month :)

Pain

 

I know that this might be the stupidest thing I might have thought of. But then again, whenever I thought of any happy end or something with him, I really suck and I began to cry aimlessly. If it has to be this dramatic, I might have thought of it in a hopeless romantic manner that I really do not want to leave his side.

However, the thoughts of both having him and losing him must've mixed in my brain in a twisted manner: it's as if both are all one and the same in my mind. It's damn freaking annoying because this time I'm sure I'm feeling something other than the so-called infatuation among the females of my kind. If this would be the worst possible torture I'll ever have in my poor life, then this should be it.

Honestly, when I am with this person, I really would have to admire him all over again--all those crushing moments come back to me as if they were just there hidden in me somewhere. If I began analyzing how I really feel and weigh other options, I began crying like there's no tomorrow. It's like all those chick flicks have sunk in my mind, and all of the stuffs so cheesy and obviously just to flatter he's been stuffing my midget thinking had began to infiltrate my frail human emotions. If it wasn't for my rational thinking, I might have fallen under his spell.

God, this is so agonizing for me. It's too hard to maintain my cool exterior: the unfeeling, carefree, and other images I send off using my so-called "acting skills". I mastered the art of fooling someone in a short period of time yet stating "half-truths" that would probably make it quite real. I really have felt this thing called love maybe.

I just wouldn't want to comprehend since it seems folly at the same time so real… as if the fantasies as wild as I just thought for my fiction just popped out from the pages of the text I've written before. Scary, exciting, painful, worth looking out for… those words must fit the description of what I have been actually feeling. I love the sense of adventure and secrecy, and the fun of hiding such hideous and lustful acts we're doing to each other. I know that most people around us doesn't find that abnormal or doubtful since they are apathetic, or most likely uncaring for what's been happening around me. My parents, for instance, finally knew from me that their hunches were right, and now seemed to be as if they cared less about what I do.

Personally, I'm still concerned with the great girl image I've built through time, and my wild escapades with this young man doesn't seem to be creditable for my said "prim and proper" behavior. One by one, I'm unleashing all the bitchiness I've been showing off little by little through time .If not because of the new environment: the more accepting, without norms, and seemingly sacrilegious school I am in, I might've not existed for the past 3 years.

I was thinking of having some sort of confession to this certain someone but I can't get myself nor put myself into saying those words right in front of his face without much hesitation or humor. As I've thought to myself before, I really knew deep inside how I feel but then my fears would resurface and my time might be few--or I might run out of chances to say it once and for all. God. I hate it when I have to lie and mask in front of him when all I wanted to say is "I love you". Pfft. When I think of this, I find myself cheesier than him (or at least what he projects when he wants to fuck me).