I'm in Love. Right now. Again?!

Whew. Multiple Categs. Again and again.

Mata. Mata. Mata. Haha Oro plata mata? Nope. Mata in Japanese is "again". That 'other' mata means whatever. (not interested) Anyway, a while ago, JM-kun, my friend came over to our house as we finish something important. After dinner, we watched TV. It was just about to start. PBB Teen Edition PLUS. Yeah, it's quite a boring show at first for me (I wasn't really hooked, you know) but when I saw him, I changed my mind.

Haha. Very fickle minded me again. Here comes this again. Hahaha. I could only laugh. If only you could see how I reacted.

Do you really believe you'll see something you don't expect to see? I mean, come on. This got real. He got real. He's now real. He was real, but he wasn't. This time I know he's real. I saw him real. Yes, it is true that he's real.

See that point? Hahahaha. I could only laugh. No one's reading this blog anyway! HaAHAHAH!

I guess I'd end up saying this:

This is what happened earlier: JM and I were proofreading when I closed my laptop and turned to the TV. He commented, "You know what, that guy... he might be the one fit to become the role of the prince. It's just what we're looking for. We might recruit him if this would be live!"

I looked closely at the screen. Zoom that. "Oh yeah, that was my new crush. Hmn... you're right! You're good, dude!" I exclaimed. "That's how I expect him to look like. That skin color..."

We laughed. "So is this a sign or something?" he asked.

I shook. "Dunno." I continued staring at the screen. "Oh no..." I began to feel a bit dazed. "JM, this is happening again."

I held into my chest and gasped. "Yes. This is happening again!" I affirmed.

He was weirded by it, and he didn't react at first. He talked about something again, and when 'he' was focused on the screen, my heart thumped rapidly.

"This... I'm falling in love again!" I exclaimed.

"Why you..." he jokingly answered. "So that's how it is! That's Kurt!"

"Yeah, it's Kurt!"

We decided to brand 'him' as Kurt. We grinned. "So the other guy must be Esteban."

I shook my head. "No, his eyes are not larger."

"And that guy is 'malamya'"

I grinned. After a while of watching, I just decided, it's time to reveal how I feel this time...

"HE's now MY Certified Crush! I LIKE HIM!"

----------------

And so it goes, now I'm love-struck. I wonder how far will this go now that 3 of them had just began to fade away?

It's TV. It's purely TV.

If he wins, I'm pretty sure WE (JM and I) will do something.

^^

Weirded. Dazed. Is there a word called weirded? Dunno. I just knew it from the first time.

I'm in Love. Right now. Again?!

.... with you, Robi. ^^

To my dearest "hot weather", I hope you get this message...

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Hot, Hot.
Hot. That’s all I can figure out as of the moment.

 

Of course
obviously, it is what’s happening. You, o “hot weather” envelops me and so I am
feeling this way… I may cry out in dismay and in annoyance, but what can I do? You
linger in me… until it is dusk already.

 

I can’t
find any other thing to keep me busy from thinking of you, “hot weather”. It pains
me to remember every single minute I spared with you, outside of my comfort
zone—the “air conditioning unit”. Although I want to focus on my studies, my
writings, my novels—you are THERE. God forbid, I do want to change the world if
I’d be Him for a day.

 

I feel
lonely when I am in this condition. Sometimes, I feel happy too. When it’s
cold, of course I would want the “warmth” as soon as you, “hot weather”, come
along. And if the “warmth” persists, then it’s the PAIN that seethes in. We absolutely
do things together. After all, it’s a tropical country (the Philippines) right?
Am I stuck with you, oh cruel “hot weather”? Should I just IGNORE you forever
like this? You’re amidst me, yet you don’t seem to bother how I feel. I don’t
think I leave any memory at all to you, for you “shone” on many other people. You
just show up when it’s your “time” as soon as it’s near noon, and set off when
it’s yet again “your time” as night approaches.

Why are you like that?

 

It’s good
that the moon sees me through. I love the moon. I’m fascinated by it. Just like
you, o “hot weather”; the moon follows me wherever I go. The moon is with me
during the night. “He” shines on me, bathes me with his “light”. This light of
the moon keeps me going on a cold night, and for that I feel that I am not
alone. It is through him that I still feel inspired, though he is the nearest
yet so far away. You know what, I could “travel” in two rides just to see him;
but heck, you’re like everywhere to me. At night, even though your “sun” has
settled down, you o “hot weather” still seem to be around.

 

Why do you
torment me like this?

 

The “moon”,
when I gaze at him, doesn’t look my way. He only appears wholly at the “night
of the full moon”. I sure wonder why there’s just this “one time” I got to talk
to him, and you probably ignored it just like that. Sometimes, I feel that the “hot
weather” is selfish; he does not let me go. Should I be the one to tell you
that, o “hot weather”? Wait till I garnered courage… I shall see my way to the “moon”…

Planetarium

The moonlit evening shows its face
And a child's voice is vanishing
Far away, far away, I guess you're somewhere in this sky
In the end of the Summer, we sneaked away to this park we had found
Do you remember that constellation somehow?

Even if I can't meet you, I pursue my memories
I wanna look at the same happiness
Along with that smell, the fireworks open in a flash

I want to live, I want to live and run to your place right now
I can't see anything in the pitch dark, even if it's scary, I'm all right
The countless starry sky is still here now, forever
I won't cry because the sky I saw before with you was beautiful

The sound of your shoes remains in my ears and resounds as far as that path
I guess I'm staring at my own great shadow

It may not change at all but my painful feelings are getting inflated
No matter how I felt, you're no longer with me

I want to live even if it's a little, even if it's a little, right by you're side
You're the one I like the most, so I can be strong
I tried softly reciting a wish upon a shooting star
I won't cry, has it reached you? In this beautiful sky

I want to live, grasping tightly your little hand towards your place
I want to cry, that was, that was a beautiful sky
I tried softly reciting a wish upon a shooting star

I want to cry, you won't reach my feelings in this sky...

                                     English translation of  "Planetarium" sung by Ai Otsuka

It seems melodramatic. Yes, the lyrics were "meant" to be dramatic--in the sense that this one's the song played at Hana Yori Dango 1 every time there's this Tsukushi Makino sad moment. The first time I saw Hana Dan and this song being played, I cried. I kinda recognize the Japanese lyrics in my intuitive and contextual Japanese auto-dictionary placed on my frustrated Japanese mind...

Those vivid stuff where I cried aren't the ones worth remembering--but it haunts me more than any other happy nor traumatic memory I have had.

Although they say I have all the reasons to be happy--good family members, preferable environment, my own room with my choice of gadgets, good school, kind friends...it doesn't seem to make me happy at all. I often wonder, is it just me that's not contented or humans were designed to seek for their happiness throughout their lives till they die, still yet unsatisfied?

We can find all the "happy" things in this world to satisfy us, but only for a limited span of time. As I've watched doramas, movies and the like; read novels and other e-books, "happy endings" were shown; but to some authors, they've shown the truth in their fiction. Surprisingly, that "truth" I've said didn't surprise me at all. It's simple. I take things as logical as possible in every angle as long as I could justify it.

This song took me aback--since I have "nothing" as experience to this kind of "longing" and "crying" the song writer had written, it still had this adverse effect on me. As if I suddenly thought, "Oh wow, I could relate to this well?". Again, is it my instinct (if you call it that way) to "automatically put my shoes on someone else's"?

Humans like us were created like a machine fascinatingly in full detail, that every "gear" was synchronized to affect the rest of the "machines" in the "factory" wherein we were "tasked" to work efficiently so as for us not to be "dispatched" and "thrown" eventually...

Sounds a little stupid, ne? I do believe that's what is going on here on our "factory" the earth, our dwelling place.

I'd end this post saying that...

I'm too stupid to write stuff that seems unrelated under one title. D'oh!

Angst

 

しんぱい, ふあん, くのう, ざいあくかん...

Shinpai, fuan, konou, zaiakukan...

Angst is a Germanic word for fear or anxiety.
It is used in English to describe an intense
feeling of emotional strife. In German, it is the fear of possible
suffering and a behavior resulting from uncertainty and strain
which is caused by pain, loss, and death. The term Angst distinguishes itself from the word Furcht (German for "fear") in that Furcht usually refers to a material threat (arranged fear), while
Angst is usually a nondirectional emotion. It is usually, but not always, associated with teenage angst, or confusion and
anxiety within the self.

In other languages having the meaning of the Latin word anxietas and pavor, the derived words differ in meaning,
e.g as in the French anxieté and peur.

The word Angst has existed since the 8th century, coming from the base-Indoeuropean
*anghu-, "restraint" from which Old High German angust develops. It is
pre-cognate with the Latin angustia, "tensity, tightness" and angor, "choking, clogging"; compare to the Greek
"άγχος" (ankhos): stress.

                                                                                -Wikipedia.com

You might ask, what's to be angst-y about? For the past few posts, I've been in a good mood. Later on, this post has come after some sort of deliberation.

I know full well that life is really good (as I've mentioned in my current YM status), but it's so bothersome. Just come to think of it, everyone struggles to live, isn't it? Whosoever decided to die? (exemption: people with psychiatric problems starting to grow... or have psychiatric problems already)  I mean, it's an "eew" thing to kill yourself (well maybe for me alone).

Why do we have these lives for? For what specific purpose?  Did the said God of Christianity and  Allah--and the rest of the gods out there who were the ones responsible for creation in their own realm, created us so to suffer? What then can we achieve if the division of earthly luck, fortune, riches, fame, beauty, power and all those positive earthly things is not fair enough to satisfy mankind? Was it also said that "God shall provide all your needs"? Then why do people die of hunger? Was it really man's fault they suffer?

I don't get majority of the things in our world. I do not doubt our biological and physiological existence. The bible says (Christian Bible) we were created for a purpose of stewardship. As I continue to study--whether at the formal education at the University, at our home through books, at the library, at the church listening the Sunday sermon, at our Bible study group-- I get more confused. Many things get imposed on my head. It's making me feel dizzy vertigo. Guru guru mawaru. Spinning and spinning... What's real about everything I learn besides the fact that I am living?

Why am I stating my ideals here? I don't know either, that's why I was asking. I'm releasing the philosopher within me. I like to contest my thoughts to someone else's, but my folks at home are either too much conservative or just stupid and close-minded. The absolute truth about my status at home is that no one listens to whatever things I say that are quite factual. They tend to overlook or mistook it as FUCKtual.  I hate this situation. I don't react at class either. The people there are so high and mighty, plus, I'm nothing compared to them and I'm guessing with my great intuitive skills that they won't pay attention  either. So why bother if there's this blog?

Kami-sama Onegaishimasu!

I just saw the Taiwanese dubbed "Sana Maulit Muli" entitled "Chances" on Taiwanese TV. It was aired last Feb 18, I guess (or was it on March? whatever) in Taiwan. It's so cool. I like the seiyuu for each cast. It's funny, since I am used in watching Taiwanese faces talking in Filipino, but to see Filipino faces talking in Taiwanese... it's so funny for me. Being a fan of Taiwanese drama, it's some sort of pride for Filipino dorama addicts like me. Personally, I liked the plot of that soap, especially since it discussed high school lives in a dramatic level. Sibling rivalry, discrimination of poor from rich, unrequited love--all of which it showed--was so good that's why it's one of the soaps in Filipino TV I watched closely (besides "Maging Sino Ka Man" and "Pangako sa 'Yo").

Though it's Kim and Gerald's first primetime show on TV, it garnered 33% something over-all ratings (much higher than what Goong received on its motherland). Maybe because the competitor (GMA 7) showed something "not better" (I forgot what they were showing that time). Oh well, if there would be some torrent of that show (Tw dubbed), I'd grab it and download all 60 eps! (haha, the pirate I am) Anyway, it's worth your time although they say the plot was copied after "If Only..." (the movie). Moreover, I am an absolute KimErald fan. (Yeah right!)

It's just now that I survived from sleepyness since my "kareshi" stayed at our place til 4 AM. That one made me sleepy for around 1 day. After a heck of sleep on Saturday afternoon and early sleep on Saturday night, I survived. Now I'm back, and ready for school tomorrow. And the usual Math 11 quiz every morning is to come. I wonder what ____ _'s get-up would be, or _____ ___'s too...

Anyway, I bought a headset (finally) already. It's so nice. (Actually, it's intended for an Ipod) Now, I'm listening to my fave tunes. The song right now is "Juukuji no NYUUSU" ("19:00 News" also translated as "7'oclock News"). The lyrics is for guys who are dying to announce his long-term relationship to a girl who hides it from everyone, and has lots of suitors. It has a nice beat, tune and Tokio sang it for KodoCha (anime). The lyrics is soooo nice. I'm so in loved with this song for a month now.

I'm getting more excited for a lot of things in summer. Next Acad Year, I might be transferring to a new College Unit at UP Diliman. I didn't survive Engineering. I knew this would happen, since it's not my forte and interest. (another thing is about the people in IE--I have nothing against you--but I don't feel like I belong with them) I'm more inclined in Political Issues and in writing stuff. Hopefully, if accepted in a Pre-law course (Either in CSSP or NCPAG), I'd continue studying Bachelor of Laws. Scary, right? I mean, it's not like me to take things seriously like this and make a grand plan.

Whatever happens, I just want to enjoy College life in total, have my final week at UPD for AY 07-08 end happily, take my upcoming exams seriously, pass my papers on time, have my grand reunion with CSFT5S barkada, attend Ozine Fest '08, try if I could cosplay, enroll for summer, apply to other Colleges, pass summer classes (with 1's on it AGAIN! what a dream...), get a new mobile phone... finally... GET INTO A NEW COLLEGE for AY 2008-2009! (God, I'm getting older. There'd be a new batch of freshies this year.)

So much to expect, so much to do, so much responsibilities to handle, so much to hope and pray for. I hope kami-sama guides me. This would be my last chance in life!

"Kami-sama, onegaishimasu!"

March has come. The first week ends.

I'm still wondering why or how stupid UPD's admin decides for the vacation and finals...

This has been my problem eversince. The final day of classes drops at an earlier date, but then finals are on the most ANNOYING dates.

I can't believe that my 3 finals this sem are COMPULSARY.

1. Math 11- Ah, honestly I did well on the first 2 exams. My average ranges from 88-90%. My standing is the best this sem, but then this finals might kill my chances of having good math grades.

2. Econ 11- Oh no, this one. I was worried that I'd lost track of my absences. Luckily, sir Ralph sent us the xml of the attendance since the start of the sem. I have 2 more absences left.

3. Accounting 1- Deadly. This has been my problem ever since the school year started... Oh my, in my High School days this was my problem. The problem with me is that I LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES WHEN IT'S AWFULLY TOO LATE.

Oh well, better study or else--

:)