Remorse

 

I read a lot of things lately regarding what I have done and said before. Sometimes, my mind goes crazy again and I'll get in a fit of anger towards him and at times I would be glad it is over between us. Another thing inside of me triggered by romantic emo songs and other memories makes me feel sad and weary for doing everything that had made him quite the abnormal guy I always imagined that he was. With these conflicting ideas in me, I cannot think which one is the right one. I know I need guidance, signs, and whatsoever help from up above or down here on earth.

When I go back to the things that had made me dislike him, I grow nearly impatient and possessive. It's as if I wanna lock his world into mine, preventing him to grow along with others and let him revolve in my world. I have said to him long ago that I tend to be as selfish as that, that I wouldn't be any help for his personal growth because eventually I'll suck him to my circle and he'll realize how I crave and get so much of his attention and everything. He assured me that he doesn't care and all, but now: look at what he's become. Isn't it too much? Sometimes I tell myself that this is what I aimed for at the beginning: that I would want him to suffer as much as what I've experienced before. Again, my humane side fights back and also some of the Christian values they've inculcated in me works out: that is sooo wrong.

I have no idea. But something's gonna work out for us, right?

I Don't Know. [Originally Posted at Multiply]

Really now, I really feel that I'm being tricked and derided

[deride

Verb

[-riding, -rided] to speak of or treat with contempt or ridicule [Latin deridere to laugh to scorn]

derision n
Collins Essential English Dictionary
2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006]

by someone. It's as if this whole crappy thing I was planning before backfired and led me to an emotional psychopathic torture played by this certain someone. It sucks, well for the fact that I wasn't that trained to counter emotional torture and of course, add the fact that I was aimlessly blamed by my yet another annoying housemate stating that basically everything that had occurred was my fault. To begin with, and honestly, I went through that lowly state before and look at me now: I'm back to what I used to be.

It seemed like right now, again, I was mainly the object of blame and of course, my usual scapegoat role in the societal group called Family emerged once more. I have always hated this normality but then again, I have no right to remain vocal about that matter. I just have to continuously adapt and burn my remaining ounces of patience with the burning fire of annoyance and or aggravation. It's always the ME part, and the ME part involves cynicism, skepticism, harsh critique, and you-are-the-worst remarks. I'm pretty much acquainted with that.

So then thinking of this would really matter to me. Besides, I need some sorts of reflections in order for me to apply the theories discussed at our Ethics and Accountability class and also at the Sikolohiyang Pilipino class. I don't care if I'm being too engrossed with Acads to infiltrate it in my daily activities, but that is my notion of Praxis in my life. Thanks to Dean Brillantes, I learned that concept and now I'm trying to apply it for my own use (in my own arguments).

Again, this event or rather those events got me confused. I really don't know.

Underling

self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)

noun

one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

 

There was such a time in my life when I thought I was this worthless: a worthless piece of shit existing just to please two ningens living with it just to satisfy societal and human conditions—in order to survive barely with its coexistent stuffs altogether living in a bare house of stone designed chiefly to torture this piece of shit—coexisting with other ningens who deem themselves “HIGH AND MIGHTY” and the “CREAM OF THE CROP” among all worthless institutions of the so-called “learning and knowledge” in the great country of the losers… in short, I thought of my existence in UP Diliman as quite demeaning, common, and therefore mediocre. Not until I came to NCPAG and have met all other SEEMINGLY (yes, this word changes the context) worthless people from Engineering and other UP Diliman Colleges like myself (I won’t care mentioning them).

True enough, being in NCPAG made me realize my actual worth (there really is some worth in me, so try figuring this out, dupes.) as a person and even as a single entity belonging to my parents’ assets (I could be a great one now that I know it). I could create something from this nonsense earthly existence we all have as of this moment. Of course, it would be more until I graduate from this freakin’ high and mighty institution. Right, thanks to this school, I got my first boring job and got lots of annoying phone calls from Call Center companies that have added to my existing (and increasing) self-worth that I’ve sort of lost… all because of several people from my High School.

Right now, I would want these people to come and take a look at me and finally realize whom they have been messing with: now then, tell me who among us is by far the LUCKIEST? I always thought you were more superior than I am, more attractive, more talented, more KNOWLEDGEABLE, more sociable, MORE, MORE, MORE—all that I really was before. I really wondered what made me think I was this useless in front of you yet even when I was not in your school, I had all the glory I could ever had. It’s time that I rant these because you’ve taken so much from me psychologically: It’s time for me to RANT and HAIL myself worthy of whatever shit I should have gotten before.

Hey, look now. Who got into the so-called premier university? Who’s about to kick all your sorry asses in the future? Come on. I hope you get the message. Yes, I have the bragging rights from the very start. YES, I AM CONCEITED. Yeah right, yeah right. Get mad. Now do it. All is said and done, but I would want my vengeance to take over now. In a few month’s time, I’ll really stick to what I’ve planned. Gratitude is out of the question. Friendship is erased in the picture. I’ve found BETTER people in my current school and I think they would influence me better than what you did to me. Oh yes, get mad at me. Raise all your furies hiding from within… I would love that.

I was really a loser back then—because I spent time with you. I really know it, and I admit it.