I read a lot of things lately regarding what I have done and said before. Sometimes, my mind goes crazy again and I'll get in a fit of anger towards him and at times I would be glad it is over between us. Another thing inside of me triggered by romantic emo songs and other memories makes me feel sad and weary for doing everything that had made him quite the abnormal guy I always imagined that he was. With these conflicting ideas in me, I cannot think which one is the right one. I know I need guidance, signs, and whatsoever help from up above or down here on earth.
When I go back to the things that had made me dislike him, I grow nearly impatient and possessive. It's as if I wanna lock his world into mine, preventing him to grow along with others and let him revolve in my world. I have said to him long ago that I tend to be as selfish as that, that I wouldn't be any help for his personal growth because eventually I'll suck him to my circle and he'll realize how I crave and get so much of his attention and everything. He assured me that he doesn't care and all, but now: look at what he's become. Isn't it too much? Sometimes I tell myself that this is what I aimed for at the beginning: that I would want him to suffer as much as what I've experienced before. Again, my humane side fights back and also some of the Christian values they've inculcated in me works out: that is sooo wrong.
I have no idea. But something's gonna work out for us, right?
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