Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.