Clean Slate?

Kung babalikan ko ang mga naganap sa buhay ko nung nakaraang apat na taon, masasabi kong malaki nga rin ang naging pagkukulang ko. Pwede ring ako rin pala ay may kailangang pagbayaran at “ganti” lang din ang mga naganap last year. Pero nang dahil sa pride ko, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na maaari ngang ang insecurities ko ang may kagagawan sa dinaranas kong kung ano man ito.

Maganda ang kahulugan ng idiom na may kinalaman sa title ng blog post kong ito. Clean slate. Start anew, walang prejudice, hindi na iisipin ang nakaraan. Kung gaano man kaganda ang intensyon mo ay ganoon din kahirap gawin iyon. Hindi rin madalian kung magkakalimutan man ang pag-uusapan, lalo na sa katulad kong matalas ang memorya para sa mga karumal-dumal na bagay.

Hyperbole na kung hyperbole, pero maaari kong i-classify na krimen ang mga naganap last year. Siguro kung ita-tally ko ang akin at ang kanya e mas madami ang sticks nung sakin. Kaya lang, pag naiisip ko naman yung sa kanya at lulutang ang pagkaparanoid ko e wala nang mararating ang mga guilt trip ko pag gabi. Bigla nanaman akong matutuliro sa kaiisip ng mga kung anu-anong mga bagay. Minsan nga hindi ko nalang iniintindi, pero pag nag-umpisa na yan, heto na at babalik ang nakaraan.

Iyon din kaya ang gumugulo sa kanya?

Hindi ko iniintindi kung ano kasi ang pakiramdam nya. Oo, inaamin kong insensitive ako at magaling din sa accusations. Hindi rin ako open sa mga saloobin ko kaya nakikimkim ang kung anong ideas pagkatapos e ipapakita ko nalang ang aking grudges. Tapos ito namang isa walang clue (o posible ring alam nya pero hindi niya dinederetso). Sa tingin ko naman dapat sa ngayon ay wala na rin kaming pag-aalinlangan sa isa’t-isa. Hindi magtatagal wala na kaming magagawa kundi unawain ang mga ka-weirdohan at tanggapin iyon nang maluwag.

Sana lang ganyan palagi ang naiisip ko. Pwede rin naman kasing hindi nalang talaga pansinin ang mga ganito’t-ganyan. Kaso, iba pa rin naman ang obvious at ang kakaibang kutob. Magulo lang talaga. Pwede ko ring sisihin ang kalagayan ko ngayon, pero hindi na pwede sigurong sisihin ang mood swings kasi lakpas na ko sa bahaging iyon. Siguro yung “hormonal” na lang, pasado pa. Dapat siguro pinag-iisipan ko talaga ang mga sinasabi ko. Kasi naman pag joke, minsan sabi ko “half-meant” or hindi ko nasasabi na “joke lang,”. Sana EWAN nalang ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong tapos bahala na kung totoo o hindi, with no hard feelings.

Kailan kaya ako makakapag-isip nang matino tungkol dito? Feeling ko kasi maiksing oras na lang ang natitira para sa conclusion.

Kuro-wanwan, Yuuko and Syaoran

I’m desperate in building a Chop Shop in Mafia Wars that I created dummy accounts for my “kids”. I know it’s a wrong move since they are not Facebookers or living entities to have their own e-mail accounts. I tried starting to play Mafia Wars with Yuuko and Kuro’s accounts but I was surprised there was no player class. Starting a new Mafia Wars account is surprisingly different. Oh well, it was a year ago when I created my first one so it really must have changed through time.

I don’t know what to put in Kuro and Yuuko’s accounts since they don’t live. Maybe I’ll invent things, place their real pictures, and add a few people who really know them in their accounts. For Syaoran, I wasn’t able to create an e-mail account yet since there have been multiple errors in CometBird. (By the way, I use 5 browsers in my PC for my many Yahoo! working accounts) Anyway, I would still try using these accounts for my gameplay because as I’ve said earlier, I’m desperate. :D

Musings

 

I really still have troubles when I think of his activities outside my knowledge. Let's say school and after school. He rarely talks to me about his nightly activities, and also the things he does when I'm not around. He doesn't mention the people he's with, only in a few cases. I really do not want to prod him to tell everything, because I prefer to be discreet and just investigate silently. But it seems as if he could read every thought and action I do. It's not the higher case of paranoia I experienced before though. I still have these gut feelings from before, strengthening each time we meet each other and I notice changes in him. His demeanor was way different from the time he said he's crazy for me. His elated mood whenever, wherever is kind of bothering me. Maybe things are getting better for him at his school. Maybe he's found a company for him to be happy with, thus he doesn't need me and he doesn't quite remember to text me or so. It was so unlike before--those times I was busy driving him away for various reasons. Now I'm thinking that I really need him to always check on me and to bug me, and it feels really weird if he's not doing that. But things have changed already, as I've been telling myself. I cannot bring back those times that he assumingly needs me and relies on every word I say. Now, he's more on others' approval and not of mine. It sucks because I am used to his being so needy of me and also of his attention to everything I do. I still think of the reasons why this had happened: was he tired of me already or is it because we're tying the knot and he's secure I won't linger anywhere but beside him? It's frustrating not knowing these and wanting to know the answers to my questions but the answer cannot be determined. Only he could state every truth and lie that I would have to analyze for myself. I don't know if this unknown jealousy and insecurity really has some real roots or was it just my missing him that affects my emotions? Or maybe the changes made me think that his inconsistency really is doubtful. I just smile and cry whenever I remember the times he's been really trying to please me, or to appear as I had wanted him to be. It's such a shame I went through the lengths of those that I wanted to change his entire being. It's wrong, it’s given to be so wrong, but I still did it. I just feel sad and terrible because of the things I've done to him. In the end, it was I who totally lost him, and now I have nothing to keep him stuck with me but a kid in my tummy.