Musings

 

I really still have troubles when I think of his activities outside my knowledge. Let's say school and after school. He rarely talks to me about his nightly activities, and also the things he does when I'm not around. He doesn't mention the people he's with, only in a few cases. I really do not want to prod him to tell everything, because I prefer to be discreet and just investigate silently. But it seems as if he could read every thought and action I do. It's not the higher case of paranoia I experienced before though. I still have these gut feelings from before, strengthening each time we meet each other and I notice changes in him. His demeanor was way different from the time he said he's crazy for me. His elated mood whenever, wherever is kind of bothering me. Maybe things are getting better for him at his school. Maybe he's found a company for him to be happy with, thus he doesn't need me and he doesn't quite remember to text me or so. It was so unlike before--those times I was busy driving him away for various reasons. Now I'm thinking that I really need him to always check on me and to bug me, and it feels really weird if he's not doing that. But things have changed already, as I've been telling myself. I cannot bring back those times that he assumingly needs me and relies on every word I say. Now, he's more on others' approval and not of mine. It sucks because I am used to his being so needy of me and also of his attention to everything I do. I still think of the reasons why this had happened: was he tired of me already or is it because we're tying the knot and he's secure I won't linger anywhere but beside him? It's frustrating not knowing these and wanting to know the answers to my questions but the answer cannot be determined. Only he could state every truth and lie that I would have to analyze for myself. I don't know if this unknown jealousy and insecurity really has some real roots or was it just my missing him that affects my emotions? Or maybe the changes made me think that his inconsistency really is doubtful. I just smile and cry whenever I remember the times he's been really trying to please me, or to appear as I had wanted him to be. It's such a shame I went through the lengths of those that I wanted to change his entire being. It's wrong, it’s given to be so wrong, but I still did it. I just feel sad and terrible because of the things I've done to him. In the end, it was I who totally lost him, and now I have nothing to keep him stuck with me but a kid in my tummy.