Torture

 

I always wonder why I still have to hurt myself like this. It's not that I don't want to be happy but I do believe there is no happy ending, and that he is not my happy ending. Before he has hurt me a couple of times "unintentionally" as he claims, but still I doubt it after he had seemingly honestly told me the truth about his exploits I had caught him doing not so long ago. That, I cannot forgive.

He always tells me I'm the most important, like he cannot live without me and he really cares for me but what does he do? He just makes me cry over "trivial" matters, but those small things count more to me than of other things he does for me. I don't think he's particularly being transparent with me, and that he's always doing this to hurt me. He was wired like that.

Although when I read his sweet nothings and remember his loving gestures, I fail to remember how hurt I was and how I cried endlessly for nights while I am having our son. Those nights I felt so alone that he wasn't there to support me were the longest and saddest I ever had. The days where I went to the OB alone made me hate myself for carrying his child and bearing all the stress coming from it. Good thing I was able to handle it, if not for the love I had for our little boy--that he seriously didn't have at first when I felt it already.

I cursed him and hurt him, but still I feel like I'm gonna cry every time I do that. Once, he has seen me breakdown and do all the hurtful physical things to him, but he didn't learn from that. He knows that sooner or later I will cool down and we'll settle things right. But I never forget what he's done. I always go back to it whenever I feel bad about something he did, or whenever I think he's doing something wrong. Trust will never be present (because from the very start of our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, I have not trusted him), therefore true, unadulterated love won't be here as well.

I don't know how long will this be, or how far can I go from what I'm doing to him…. But for sure, he wouldn't be around next time to understand me, or to hug me when I'm throwing tantrums, or to give me a tissue when I'm bursting in tears. He would not kiss me anymore, hold my hand when I'm just beside him, or hug me tightly with no particular reason. I will surely look for that and for the great sex we had.

The thing is, I cannot say I love you when I am not that sure; nor I cannot tell you how I feel because you will have high hopes of me.