Omokage- Reminiscence

Main Entry:

rem·i·nis·cence

Pronunciation:

\-ˈni-s^ən(t)s\

Function:

noun

Date:

1589

1: apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence

2 a: recall to mind of a long-forgotten experience or fact b: the process or practice of thinking or telling about past experiences

3 a: a remembered experience b: an account of a memorable experience —often used in plural4: something so like another as to be regarded as an unconscious repetition, imitation, or survival

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reminiscence

 

 

It’s not about that word. It’s about this song, and it has suddenly came out from reading two words from somewhere in the net: true north. The song is entitled Omokage and this was Shaman King’s second ending song. My mind has been filled by anime and anime alone for the second half of my current existence—meaning since I reached the age of 10 or 11. From that period of time, many animes dominated my existence—to the point that it became my defining ‘characteristic’ up to this time.

One of the most popular defining anime was Shaman King, the anime that started my fanfiction.net career (if that’s how we term it). It was that time when I transferred to a new school, and everything was new. Shaman King was aired and became the reason that I rush out of II-OL Rosary’s classroom every afternoon, the reason why I became close friends with Katrina and Loren, and the reason why my desk was filled with vandals of ヨウ beneath the plastic cover and all the rest of fangirlish stuffs I was in to during 2nd year high school.

I liked everything about Shaman King, although now, as I look back, it’s not really an admirable plot to begin with. It is finally plain in my sight now. The greatness about Yoh Asakura has been trampled by Uchiha Sasuke, and now, by several living guys in my age group. But what remained in my memory was this song, this one rendered by Megumi Hayashibara as Kyouyama Anna’s seiyuu:

 

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

kagami ni utsuru yokogao ni
kimi o kasanete
My heart is breaking.
surinuketeyuku kaze no you ni
tsukami kirenai
Why is it you?

at the side view of the face reflected in the mirror
I place you over it and
my heart is breaking
like the passing wind
I can't catch it
why is it you?

todoku koto no nai yubisaki
hitori ni giri shimeteru
kawasu koto no nai kotoba o
yozora no hoshi ni nagashi

the finger tips that will never reach
I hold them alone
the words that will never be exchanged are
drifted into the stars in the night sky

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
I made up my mind.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
I made up my mind

nani mo iwanai kuchibiru no
oku de kanjiru
You are my true north.
kimi no koe o kizandeiru
kotoba ijou ni
I know enough.

the lips that will never say anything
I feel it deep within
you are my true north
leaving your voice
more than words
I know enough

aishiteru to tsubuyaku yori
kitto kokoro ga yureru
koishiteru to tsutaeru yori
kizuna ga fukaku natte

instead of whispering that you love me
my heart is probably swaying
instead of saying you're in love
the relationship gets deeper

ima hitori ja nai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I'm not alone now
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

Transliterated by P Whalan pdwhalan@bigpond.net.au>

Translated by mink309


http://minknokobeya.wordpress.com/

 

It wasn’t for the tune that I was hooked in this song, but at the time I was writing Shaman King fanfics, I somewhat associated this song to Kyouyama Anna. If there was one female anime character I could closely relate myself with, it must be her (besides Tsukamoto Tenma).

Since Shaman King wave has long gone and I’ve parted ways with the “addicts” we were before, it might seem easier to forget this. But still, the melody lingers in my head as if it was only now that I’m hearing it for the first time.

I. Me. Myself.

Honestly, I’m at a state of emotional downtime right now. Problems have arrived, both internally and externally. I’m not writing this for angst’s sake or because I want to have a tell-all for those who will pass by my blog, but I’m writing this out of removing the guilt/hurt/sadness and all the negative things coming into my mind today. Sure, I might have all the bitterness here, but I must say that I did things that somewhat blew off my constant system. What was I thinking anyway? Here I am wondering why I had done everything. Ooh. Talking about ‘jumping into the cliff without thinking twice’. Since it all started with my impulsive behavior, it also should end that way.

I bet anyone who’s reading this can’t get straight to my point. I’m talking about all instances here, but I do not wish to specify. I can’t put myself to cry although I want to. I would want to do that, but maybe my tears were taken by Optimus Prime’s earlier death (but he was resurrected… ooh, spoiler mode). Hmn, Michael Jackson’s death hasn’t done any effect with this. Again, out of impulse, I’ve been doing this. I would also not want to elaborate this.

Okay. Let me rant. Or rather let me just blabber even just for a little space in my blog. Let me type nothingness with some sense into this. I know it is foolish. But then again, I don’t think I’m happy nor sad about it. Some part of my emotions are breaking down into two parts. My mind wants me to concentrate on my dad’s illness. My heart also does that. Maybe the shock about my dad’s illness and the fact that he doesn’t want to pursue medication blew my mind off. Because of that, I don’t want to be happy. But I also don’t want to be sad. So I think being sorta neutral but wavering to the depths of loneliness will make me feel better.

I’ve grown up now. I could finally recognize what would benefit me emotionally. When it comes to financial part, I don’t think I'll rely on anyone like my parents. I would want to concentrate on my studies now. I believe that some ultimate force must’ve told my mind that it would be best for now if I do focus on my studies—and I should do something immediately about it. I’m just worrying about a lot of things, but I think I should take someone’s word for that.

From this point of time, I’m at a loss of what to do. My daily activities would not change. I think I won’t speak about anything for now. And I should end something too. I know it’s folly if I’d be too engrossed with directing my attention to other things, and leave my social life behind, but I think I need that. I would try to change my bitchy ways from now on. I’ll try to be nicer. No, I’ll not try but I’ll start being nicer to most people.

Whether I hurt anyone during the process or gave hope to anyone, I don’t want to know. What’s important is that I could live normally.

My life’s been abnormal for the last 4 years. I want to revert it to the normal way it was. I really hope I could do that.

Love Contract

Nonfiction, true. Yeah, this all occurred to me. I don’t care if you believe this or not, but I’m totally honest in all the contents this post. And I believe I need to let this out of my system one last time.

Taiwanese drama of the same title, I sorta had the same experience but not quite the enemies-turned-lovers thingy in romance dramas type. It is more of a willing entrapment (how ironic) between two people in order to stay good together. Is there such a thing like making this paperwork just for the sake of staying together? Actually, I may correct it and shrink it into a simpler word, it’s for complacency.

I may have appeared so ‘legal’ in everything that had occurred to me in the past: my mom returning ‘confiscated novels and drawings of anime’ in return for me being the class’ top one or topping a Periodical Test in the next quarter will have to have a written contact signed by me and her, me receiving a thousand pesos for every merit card during my PCC days would also involve a contract-signing between me and my mom (again), and also most verbal contracts between me and my dad would end up in paper. Just as I thought it would be for the security of everything we’ve agreed on, now I realized it’s nothing but a statement that tells me I’m such a desperate person.

In my relationship, I’ve had 2 contracts in the past. One was something like a TRO to him when I felt so mad and all. The contract states that he will stay away from me (or we’ll not see each other technically) for 25 days including the February 14th of that year (yeah I know it sucks for you guys to miss Valentine’s Day with your girlfriend). I thought that was the worst I could do to him, but then we kinda created another one which didn’t really have an impact before. It was more of another agreement that would make me calm down whenever I feel insecure or unfeeling towards something related to him. Yes, he’s experienced my highs and lows in my emotional stability, and I believe he should be lauded for his persistence.

However, this time, it was different. I may be in the best emotional slash mental condition right now and he demanded for a newer and more ‘legal’ sort of contract. I was taken aback. What the hell entered his mind that he proposed this to me? I ran along the memories of what we’ve been seriously dealing and talking. Oh, right. I think I might have said harsher and meaner things like ‘I don’t really believe you anymore’ and ‘I don’t believe you’ll be ever faithful to me’ and finally, ‘I don’t trust your love’. Ah, my tongue. I wish this was taken by a cat during those times. I’m always compulsive with the words I throw back and forth. I’m always the ‘not really thinking, jumping into conclusions and jumping into the unknown’ type of person. Something tells me that my gut feeling is always right, that I have no better options than jumping into this ‘new, unchartered territory’.

I wanted to refuse his written contract proposal, but then I thought of the times I demanded this from him. I didn’t know what to think of his sudden actions, I’m just surprised that he could go this far. Guilt trip again, friends. This nearly want me to erase my existence… but I cannot, of course. I decided just to say my quick and unwavering ‘okay’ to him, and asked him to draft this proposed contract. I thought of what would be the end of that deal for me, what I would get if I do agree, and what might be the consequences of this sudden thing we’re seriously agreeing on. Definitely, this is stranger than I thought. No one is sane enough to ask his 19-year old freakin’ stubborn girlfriend to marry him and all, right? I still doubted the sanity of this person up to this moment. Again, comes the why me part and all. I do not want to elaborate everything, but yeah, it is utterly stupid. I won’t call him all the pretty mean names I wanted to call him because of that. Because in reality, I might be the one who’s waaay stupider or foolish than him. That, we do not know yet.

As I stare blankly at the LCD monitor of Hazel-PC, I knew I needed to edit this thing into my liking. Yes, this is the perfect chance of dominating and getting the upper-hand. He’ll probably agree and not question anyway, since he told me he was doing this for himself as well. Why waste energy arguing with an argumentative person? I don’t know why, but he’s pretty good at arguing with me and making me stop. Even my mother cannot control my war freak tendencies. So is my dad. Anyway, I typed specific things at the 6th item and made it go up to half a page. After sending the revisions, he agreed with most of those things I added. A few talks, and I printed my copy. I didn’t sign yet even as I instructed him to do so in his own copy, because as a girl, I think I would change my mind the very minute or so. I didn’t.

Yesterday, around this time, we signed it. It was idiotic, yes, because it’s sort of binding yourself to a person into a ruse and with the use of obviously illegal documents you simply created to serve as your emotional outlet. Yep. I summarized the two-paged, 8 and a half by 11 inch paper document that contains the things we’re insecure of, and things we wish would happen and or intend to happen in the near future. The font size was 11, and the font was Verdana (my personal favorite). I didn’t care even if it’s stupidity that time. I guess, there’s really something I want to prove him all along. Maybe, that could be the love thing. I guess, I really do love this guy after all (say cheesy all you want, reader!).

 

I NEED to go to SCHOOL!!

Sabi nga ni B sa Plurk nya kanina, bukas may pasok na. Nag-react ako kasi akala ko Linggo pa rin. Tapos nang mapatingin ako sa YM at sa message ni JM, ayun. Alas dose pasado na nga. At bukas nga, papasok na rin kami. Hinding-hindi na ko makapaghintay. Ano nga bang meron sa sem na to at sobra ang excitement level ko? Biruin mo katatapos lang halos ng Summer classes. Sabagay, maaari ngang inubos ko na ang “sense and feeling” ng summer break dun sa 4-day getaway ko sa labas ng Pinas. Kaya pagkatapos ng paguran doon e heto ako’t nagdedemmand na mag-enrollment na at ngayon nga, mag-klase na.

Kung hindi ba naman kasi dumating at napalaganap yang A(H1N1) na lintik na yan e hindi naman magiging atrasado ang pasukan (hence, pati Sembreak nadedelikadong maatras). Naiinis pa rin ako sa fact na dumating ang pandemic na yon. Panira ng matiwasay na AY 09-10. Pampasira ng Acad Calendar. Di ko pa rin nababalitaan kung ano na ang bagong Acad Calendar. Baka maging kalunos-lunos na ang schedule ng buong UP system. Hindi yon mapipigilan. Haay, ang sarap mag ‘haay’. Di ko na rin alam kung pano makatulog dahil sa excitement ko bukas.

Sawang-sawa na ko sa kaka- MfW, kaka-Plurk, kaka-FB, kaka-FS, kaka-YM, kaka-marathon, kaka-sine, kaka-nood ng TV, kaka-record ng palabas at lahat na ng ‘kakang’ nagagawa mo lang nang matagal na matagal kapag bakasyon o holiday. Inip na inip na ko, parang kahit anong gawin ko e ayoko na ng bakasyon. Nakakasawa na lahat nito kasi less effort. Wala kang ginagawa kundi magpaka-slacker sa harapan ng laptop at magsabi ng walang kapararakan. Buti pa sa eskwelahan, umupo ka lang sa classroom ng isang oras at kalahati, panigurado may papasok sa utak mo kahit kaunti. E sa FB at kung saan pa, wala kang pinagpipistahan kundi ang mga wall posts ng kaibigan at hindi mo kilala, ang mga quizzes na puro kasinungalingan o hula o tsambang tugma sa iyo, at mga litratong ang sarap komentan pero wala kang magawa kaya mo nilagyan ng comment. Kung ganito lang nang ganito ang lagay, walang papasok sa kukote ko kundi mga bagay na hindi naman ako posibleng matutulungan sa magiging trabaho ko o buhay pagkatapos ng kolehiyo.

Naiinggit ako sa mga may pasok na mamaya. Makikita na nila ang mga college friends at professors nila. Makakapagchikahan na nang bonggang-bongga. Makakasilay na sa dapat sinisilayan. Magkakaroon na ng allowance…

Di bale, bukas, ako rin. :)

 

countdown: 30 hours, 5 minutes and something seconds.

All About “J”

Yes, this letter has been invading my mind for the past 7 years now. What’s with this letter that almost everything related to the things that make me go in hanyaan mode involves it? Hmn. Let me enumerate some of it, but please, do not react violently.

 

1. First off is the set of “Johns” in our 2nd year OL Rosary classroom. :)
2. Next is the J’s in my closest guy friends’ names (June, JM, John Gerard, JJJ…).
3. Then third would be initial J of the hated person I had in 3rd year Rose of Lima (no name dropping :D)
4. Followed by my first boyfriend’s first name during 4th year high school
5. Then the nickname of one of my suitors starts with it,
6. Add up to the list would be the name of my first Asian guy idol and crush, Mr. Jerry Yan
7. Seconded by Jay Chou during 4th year high school, thanks to Inital D Live Action (and JKP for introducing him)
8. Then another hated person for end of High School :)
9. And yet another, why would I forget, my first crush during Elementary school, James…
10. Don’t forget High School’s viral J crush :D
11. College days had more than 7 friends with the J initial (JR, Jill, Jester, and a lot more).
12. Had another J Chinese (this time Mainland) crush, he is Jun Ning
13. Ooh, speaking of Jun, my other hot Japanese guy during High School is Arashi’s Jun Matsumoto (Tsukasa of HYD)
14. Then Jun Pyo and Ji Hoo comes along during College (BBF)
15. Still, JS is my current boyfriend,
16. At College, encountered many Jose’s in NCPAG (yea you know who you are :))
17. At UP, encountered the JJ’s in this recent UP Fair (Jumping Jologs, XD)
18. And finally, J is the first letter of my favorite country, JAPAN :)

 

I know there would be more to this that I haven’t included, but this shall do for the meantime. I should add to this if anything comes my way related to this.

Report

Kanina, matiwasay na natapos ang aming isinagawang pagtitipon ukol sa mga Gore Films—kabilang na dito ang Re-animator: Bride of Re-animator, Beyond Re-animator, at ang Hellraiser Series. Masaya naman kami kahit kakaunti lang talaga at hindi naman ganon kagulo. Kasi naman, expected rin naman ay tatlong tao lang. Buti nga at nakadalo nga si C. Kaya ayun, naging magulo lang nang kaunti ang pagtitipon. Nang malaman naming sa 2010 ay mayroong Re-animator Part 4 ay halos magtatalon kami sa tuwa. Nang dahil don, na-inspire na ipagpatuloy ang educational naming gawain sa pamamagitan ng pagsasagawa muli ng isang Gore Marathon Part 4 sa pagtatapos ng bakasyon (extended kasi). Kaya ayan na nga at may bagong event nanaman sa Facebook kaming ginawa kanina lamang.

Maagang napa-uwi ng bahay ang mga kasama namin kaya as usual si Hani naman ang last man standing na kasama kong nanood hanggang part 4 lang ng Hellraiser. Medyo nakakabitin nga lang kasi hindi namin malaman kung papaano magsisimula ang part 5 sa ganung klase ng ending. Pero sige, binitin muna namin para rin next time mas maraming mapanood pa at hindi maubusan sa Gore Mara Part 4. Ang weird lang kasi na-hook ako kaagad sa Hellraiser samantalang hindi ko pinapansin ang ganoong uri ng pelikula noong araw. Parang naisip ko pa nga na, “Ano ba namang klaseng tao tong si B, ang hilig sa ganito…” pero di nagtagal ay eto ako at naghahangad pang makapanood nang mas marami.

Pero iyon nga lang, wala kaming gaanong mahikayat na makisama sa aming butihing gawain na ipamahagi ang ganda ng gore films sa kapwa namin estudyante o kaibigan. Medyo sensitibo kasi ang nilalaman ng mga pelikulang tulad ng Re-animator, at may pagka-porn at atheist ang dating nito sa karamihan. Napapaatras rin namin sila dahil ito nga ay gory—madugo, kadiri, eew, yuck, at kung anu-ano pa. Masasabing ang may matitibay lang na sikmura ang makakakain ng spaghetti o kaldereta pagkatapos ng ganitong pelikula (o habang ito ay pinanonood pa lamang).

Kanina, sopas na tinanggalan ng guts ang aming kinain. Hindi kasi ako palo sa ginawa ng nanay ko na may halong atay. Alam naman niyang ayaw ko kaya hiwalay ang kinain namin. Buti nalang at hindi niya itinuloy ang spaghetti at carbonara kahit alam niyang paborito ko iyon. Binalaan ko kasi na walang kakain non, sapagkat ganung klaseng pelikula nga ang pagpipistahan ng mga mata namin kinalaunan. Buti nalang at naniwala nga siya sa akin at hindi niya ipinilit ang gusto niya.

Kaya sa susunod na gore mara ay iniimbitahan ko ang karamihan sa mga inimbitang hindi nagsidalo upang makisali at masaksihan kung ano nga ba ang gore sa buhay ng tao (oo, alam kong wala talagang kinalaman pero trip ko lang talaga na sabihin yon). Join na!

Excitement, Enrollment, Enchantment

I’m writing this post-enrollment post not only to say that CRS is still as crappy as ever, but also to hail UP-NCPAG for its outstanding enrollment assistance for this new academic year (kudos to the SC people).

I woke up as late as 12 PM only to realize that my “5 minutes more” mantra failed me in my quest to get a PE for this sem. So I screwed up bigtime, but then I still hoped that I’ll be on UP Diliman on time for the TriCol enlistment. So I settled to go for the goal by 12 by eating brunch with my parents. Not long after that, Hani came and joined me to school. Lei was also off to Miriam College, so we went along together.

Upon arriving at Katips, it was raining so hard that the jeepney’s “plastic cover” seemed to have flown out and got me a bit wet. Luckily, the terminal is under the flyover and so we had to walk shielded from the downpour. It was already 1:40 and we parted ways with Lei. Off to the campus we go. At 1:50 (and that was quick), the new road that was built from UP IS's grounds that was finally constructed led us to the campus proper. And so we stopped at Ylanan road only to take the shortcut Toj taught me to NCPAG—going through CSWCD. In a matter of minutes, we were to cross the road to NCPAG.

Emma kindly had my Form 5a printed before I came in (thanks Emma!) and so I went on with step 2. It was Prof Alampay who did the enlistment, and it was the first time that I saw him face to face. Hokay. So much for that. I texted mom to tell her that I needed them ASAP for the money. And so they hurried to school. It still rained so hard.

Minutes passed and CRS was down again. Everyone who hasn’t got their Form 5a’s printed were jinxed. Oh yes, they have to wait for it again. This glitch happened twice (as far as I recall). The longest process was at the e-Prerog, because of that glitch.

After the long wait, it was all smooth and I only have to wait a short 20-minute interval before I can write at my form 5a neatly. Yeah. I think I am already a master when it comes to filling up Form 5’s (because I’ve been doing this for 6 sems and 3 summers already!). I had to switch to another 191 section because Sir Florano’s was closed. Anyway, added money since it’s my only WF class and it’s morning. Yay me.

The rest of the processes and steps continued and I breezed through it. Thanks again to the NCPAG SC. Anyway, upon payment, it’s still raining hard I have to shield my Form 5 from the drops. I had to literally place it under my blouse. Lols to that.

We drove to SC and then had it paid through PNB. But then it closed before 4 PM and we had to be on the line at the Cashier. It was sad, because the cut-off happened before 5PM. I dunno if it really was until 4PM and they only catered because of the long uncut queue, but either way I’m happy because I was in the last 15 people. Yes, after that, I’m officially enrolled.

As my 4th year in UP nears, I promised myself to become a bit more responsible in acads. Oh, and I might try joining an org before leaving UP. But no, not only for the sake of being not the “orgless ones” in the campus but also of course to grant my lifelong dream (well not really). I do believe I should really join one lawfully in the long run. :) And this year, I’ll definitely apply one last time and NOT defer.

 

Missing Out

Okay, so normally I won't rant about missing church... but what my cousin has told me made me do it.

Earlier, they asked me if I would come, and I said I'll pass this Sunday since I'm still worn out by last time's happenings. They left and then my cousin texted me: ate, sayang, hinahanap ka ni Chinito kanina. tingin nang tingin sa sasakyan nyo. sayang talaga.

I laughed at it. Siguro isa lang to sa pakana nila para magsimba na talaga ako palagi. Yes, I admit that I am secretly stalking this church guy--he's been in my blog posts since last year (about twice). He has a well built, good stance, nice spiky hair, chinese eyes, fair white complexion and glasses that lure me. He wears dressed-to-kill whenever I see him on church. Although he's not a regular church goer, I spot him out of the many. He gained my attaction that is besoughted by many. Okay. So I made a reality check. The kid won't lie to me.

They arrived at around 1 in the afternoon and my cousin excitedly narrated what she saw that had happened. I countered her statements with baka naman iba yung tinitingnan nya, baka naman yung matatanda ang gusto nya, baka ibang sasakyan yun, baka hindi talaga ako yung hinahanap nya, baka di naman talaga siya naghihintay.. and so on. But what made me think is the statement she said and I quote, Pinaguusapan kasi nung lalaki at ni Chinito kung bakit di pa bumababa ikaw, e wala ka naman don. Tsaka tutok na tutok yung mata sa sasakyan. Binasa pa nga yung UP car sticker nyo e.

Again, if thtat was for the exaggeration, I don't care. But then when she added that Lingon nang lingon sa amin, I said na baka ikaw yung gusto. Then she countered itwith sa kotse nakalingon nung wala na ako eh. I thought of it. She added this much to my disappointment, Ang gara pa ng suot nya this sunday. Akalain mong nakaporma talaga.

Oh well. Whatever it was, I missed out on Chinito. Next Sunday, I'll really come. Of course I want to go to church rin naman. It's just that I won't waste my stamina on Saturday so I could go early to church. :) Let's see kung tama si Crystal.

Super Long Time No Post

Oh yes, I did it again. I failed to post in my precious blog (how cheesy!). Anyway, I just came from a 4-day vacation abroad. Yeah, I’ve been to the land of the chinitos: Hong Kong. And by far, I haven’t spotted any chinito cuter that someone. ;)

So the four days was all about merry-making and travel. Let me tell you about my summer class’s ending. It was so good that I got a 2 in my Pol Sc 14. Happy? Of course! Even with a three I’d be happy to have that.

And so after al those happy times, it’s time for the hard times: Academic year 2009-2010 1st semester enrollment. Everyone loathes this. CRS is down, you are not sure of your subjects, and you have to fall in line at the looooong queue. Oh, that’s not the worst part: it’s the part where you will be rejected in a subject you aim for.

Because of that, I have myself quipped for June 3. Ready or not, here I come!