Undefined

I’m writing tonight because I cannot sleep. I also can’t cry my eyes out anymore. Somehow, there seems to be only a few tears left to fall. Tomorrow, maybe my eyes will go Chinese again, but I don’t care. If these would be the last tears I ought to cry before I leave the rest to God, then it should be.

I haven’t thought of the faith journey speeches and the impacts of God on people on our church before that much. I usually listen and hear of them losing loved ones, telling of the trials, and of their childhood—yes, I’m interested, but I do not internalize the message. That maybe is because although I regularly attend to and exchange witty comments on our Wednesday Bible Study every two weeks, I really don’t have that strong Christian faith most of them have. Personally, I know that I might be some sort of an agnostic and a half, or maybe a quarter of an atheist or whatever unimaginable mix it could be. I knew doctrines and historical accounts of the Catholic and Protestant church, but they just battle in my head making my faith drop down to almost absolute zero.

And if there was someone who constantly reminds me to trust in God and all those faith-related stuff, that would be my dad. Ever since I was a kid, he taught me about that—stories on how he got into Engineering with God’s guidance and passed the Board Exam because of Him—still  it didn’t become part of my regular mindset. Yes, I pray, but only to get my caprices and thanks to God I got a truckload of presents that are quite expensive yearly. Now as I get older, I realize what he has been telling me all along: everything comes freely from Him. That I could not contest, since I’ve lived a happy yet dramatic life because I’m a Drama Queen without any reason to be dramatic. I always get what I want since I was little. Maybe I’m fit to be called a spoiled brat after all.

This time, God cannot give me something I need. I know I always asked from Him sorts of things like straight A’s, line of 9’s, gadgets, and other material stuff or ego boosting sorts of things, but when I ask of something really priceless, obviously it won’t go my way now. I won’t blame Him for that. I’ve asked for too much. If I could have it, then I would be the luckiest girl on earth, not to mention the happiest. But I’ve lost hope already. Maybe it’s just right to leave it all that way. Maybe it’s really my dad’s time to leave me. Maybe it’s about time I learn to keep important people in my priority list. Maybe it’s the right opportunity for me to wake up and realize what I should be and what I could be… or maybe I should fix my values and redefine myself… whatever. My concern here is not to be the best daughter, but to be the best failure who got up and redeemed herself.

If this post should be called an oath, I bet this would be the worst I’ve promised. I cannot state how sorry or regretful I am for the path I took right after passing the entrance exam—including all the 5’s and the INC’s and the 4’s I garnered throughout my boring 3 and a half years in college. It’s time to settle to the greater side of things. I think he would be happier to leave me when I become at least upright in the final stages of my teen life. I hated myself before, and now I think it would be best to love 'myself’ again… hoping it would do me something good.

He always wished and hoped and planned everything for my future, for me to live a full and happy life while he’s around or not. From that, I will definitely do my share of the labor.

I don’t know how to deal with every obstacle, but I think I’ll be stronger than my tougher side now. And I’m doing this for myself, just as you would want me to.