I Miss You.

It's like those times again, that I've been very insecure of all his activities--only this time I have proof and I found that all my doubts were real. I kind of said the dumbest things to him earlier, and maybe if he quite remembers well he would carry those words with him in his thoughts. I only said what I felt because I think I was so frustrated that life had been very good for him. But once I said that his life is easy, he would answer a big stoic no. Then he'd shoot me with his fiery I love you lines again, and now I'd counter them.

I only get that insecure when he keeps his cellphone close to him, as if he was waiting for his ladylove's messages and he has to reply without me looking. Also, he has this habit of texting so much now compared before. I am having a bad feeling about it, but I cannot confront him anyhow. I don't know whether I should spill the beans to anyone because they will just say, screw your gut feelings, he's probably not doing anything. You know how good he is, and so on. He has this generally charismatic image to anyone and at most you would believe he's really a cool guy. I have seen his downside, have I really?

Of course, another part of these never ending insecurity dramas is his change of clothing, looks and demeanor. His newly built self-confidence and ego must've been brought by some other girl, of course not me--his subtly controlling fiancée. It seems as if our self-confidence are inversely proportional values: while his goes up, mine goes down. Yeah. It sucks but that's how it really is and was from the beginning. We never complete each other, we just complement and our relationship will make the other one go up and the other sink lower.

Whatever that must be really, I still miss how he treats me before all of these had happened. In the event that I have not been pregnant, would he be still his old sulky self that is so much more clingy than what he is now? I guess I like the new him better, although yeah I would want his emotional self back then to reappear. I admire him more for his newfound confidence, but I am really worried on what this would cause me. I guess the great depression is back.

I’m Getting Hitched. For Real.

It was just like yesterday when I thought of ending my 4-year long relationship with my first boyfriend. It was chaotic. Maybe I was some sort of a confused individual that time, or something like that, and he was a depressed person who needed attention. I just felt like quitting of course with a lot of things alongside it, and he just felt like ending his life because of the so-called breakup, if it was true back then. Whichever the reason was, I couldn’t actually point my finger on it. That event was filled with drama, foolishness, and bitterness; I had to think rationally and dump some logic behind. That, however, might have been the main cause why things turned this way.

And now, almost 8 months later, we’re about to get married and have a baby. My life did a fast-forward on that and made a pause on my academic life, and probably a stop on my social life. Was I too reckless it ended up like this? I can’t help but look back at what I have been doing: which part did this mess originated from? Was it  during high school when I got involved with him or the time I decided to leave PCA and move to another school where I had met him? Or maybe it was the time when I’ve let my guard off and had things done his way? I can’t tell exactly. It’s just either it was originally from my past actions that sequentially led me to this or it’s because of my lack of common sense as the years pass by.

I still feel bad about everything that I really like blaming him for all of these (which is obviously wrong since I took part doing the sin somehow). The thing is, I won’t be able to do what a normal 20-year old girl would from this point on—party, hang-out with friends till dawn, attend multiple sleepovers, boy hunting with girl friends, and so on. Plus, I didn’t get the chance to have another 2 or more boyfriends. I was stuck with one from the beginning, and I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have a break-up for real (I believe what we had was fake). I won’t get the chance to mingle with singles and enjoy what my friends are enjoying right now.

Most of all, I had ruined my college education. I’d be delayed for another year, which is quite a long time before I graduate from the university.

I know it’s too late for me to regret everything since I have already made a decision about this thing called marriage. It didn’t take me a long time to think about it—did I have a choice that time? Probably yes, I could have just pondered on it many, countless times and decide on it according to what suits me best. I didn’t have that thinking though, because I was pressured and all by everyone in my family. It’s yet another case of an early marriage in our clan, and the solution is to get married. Good thing I didn’t have to prod and push him to marry me. Besides, it was him who had thought of that idea even before I got pregnant. The difference is that he had planned it after my 21st birthday.

I wonder if I’m actually doing the right thing. A couple of my friends had asked me if I was ready and sure about this. I didn’t have much reason to hesitate. I don’t really know which path I’m going at the first place, with or without this incident. So maybe this is the right thing to do. But still, I’m pessimistic about it, as usual. It’s clearly not a fairytale ending for me.

After 2 years…!

I finally found the ENGLISH Translation for Suki Dakara, my phenomenal theme song for the year 2008. Thanks to http://namiichan.wordpress.com, I finally have it. This song is sooooo memorable for me because it was especially dedicated for a certain someone last 2008. During those times, I thought this song would be the right one for you even though I barely knew the English meaning. :) To *****, Stay happy and successful! This one’s for you, though I’m finally over you…

 

See you later, we waved our hands
the figure of your back is already like that,
swaying, it becomes small in the evening wave of people

The words you gave me, one by one
remembering them, I closed my eyes
even though only the happy thoughts should be here
I become uneasy, I wonder why my heart quivers

I want to tell you more, these feelings overflowing like that
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

Turning around and running off
I want to go and chase after you but
the loneliness of evening swallowed that kind of courage

Within your smiling face, I am there
just a little bit separated
it’s like I’ve become a lost child, about to cry
if I were docile, I could live even without these kind of feelings

Only an empty me exists here, crying out
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

March!

I’m not really excited for March. It’s just that another month has passed and I’m getting near my due date. I would want this torturous pregnancy. Okay, let’s make it lighter. It’s not that torturous, maybe 75%. I’ve been totally stressed in the first to second trimester, but luckily I had not experienced the so-called morning sickness and all that pregnancy symptoms. I’m one of the few lucky women. It’s just that I could not adjust to my new weight that I am experiencing difficulties in WALKING. Oh yes, walking. Sometimes, I would thought that I would be paralyzed before I could give birth. It’s very agonizing. Each step kills me. I wonder if it is some twisted ligament or veins that caused the pain. I would just wonder, I don’t know who to ask for answers.

Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve talked about my pregnancy in my blog directly. I guess the big bump must’ve gotten obvious to my senses. And of course add the actual thing in my tummy that moves and disturbs me even when I’m asleep. Add the fact that I’m bugged by people around me about it. I don’t know if I’m really happy and excited about this whole thing, maybe half or so, but this change in my life definitely hasn’t been grasped by my brain yet. I’m still wishfully thinking that this is just all a nightmare. Anyway, before it actually happened, I’m quite aware that the occurrence of this is of a high possibility, that is why I wasn’t surprised or anything, even my parents. Good thing I told them about my frivolous actions beforehand. That lessened the damage and anger, I think.

I guess I’ll just be positive about this because my face can’t bear the breakouts any longer. I’m sure the stress from the past 6 months caused the super duper breakout of acne. Dang, I have to cope with acne scars and some acne building up again. Besides, my eye bags have grown compared when I was at school. I may conclude that unwanted pregnancy can cause thrice the stress than studying in full load at college everyday. It has been proven in my case. Another thing this caused me is my self-confidence to drop at near zero. Also, my insecurity level had gone to the highest level possible. I don’t know if it’s just the hormones raging right now, but yeah it did a lot of negativity in my normal and abnormal way of living. If I’d undergo this again, I don’t know what else I would experience that is detrimental for me.