I Miss You.

It's like those times again, that I've been very insecure of all his activities--only this time I have proof and I found that all my doubts were real. I kind of said the dumbest things to him earlier, and maybe if he quite remembers well he would carry those words with him in his thoughts. I only said what I felt because I think I was so frustrated that life had been very good for him. But once I said that his life is easy, he would answer a big stoic no. Then he'd shoot me with his fiery I love you lines again, and now I'd counter them.

I only get that insecure when he keeps his cellphone close to him, as if he was waiting for his ladylove's messages and he has to reply without me looking. Also, he has this habit of texting so much now compared before. I am having a bad feeling about it, but I cannot confront him anyhow. I don't know whether I should spill the beans to anyone because they will just say, screw your gut feelings, he's probably not doing anything. You know how good he is, and so on. He has this generally charismatic image to anyone and at most you would believe he's really a cool guy. I have seen his downside, have I really?

Of course, another part of these never ending insecurity dramas is his change of clothing, looks and demeanor. His newly built self-confidence and ego must've been brought by some other girl, of course not me--his subtly controlling fiancée. It seems as if our self-confidence are inversely proportional values: while his goes up, mine goes down. Yeah. It sucks but that's how it really is and was from the beginning. We never complete each other, we just complement and our relationship will make the other one go up and the other sink lower.

Whatever that must be really, I still miss how he treats me before all of these had happened. In the event that I have not been pregnant, would he be still his old sulky self that is so much more clingy than what he is now? I guess I like the new him better, although yeah I would want his emotional self back then to reappear. I admire him more for his newfound confidence, but I am really worried on what this would cause me. I guess the great depression is back.