Overnight date + Kung Fu Panda 2

This blurry image is taken from our car on yesterday’s rainy afternoon. Me and my high school friends are supposedly spending the night at Two Serendra Section C, in my in-laws’ condo unit.

We just decided to have some quality time as a couple there and spend the night there. We watched the remaining episodes of The Simpsons Season 22 and the finale of Glee Season 2. 

It was a fun experience since it’s been a long time since we last spent the night with only the two of us. The last time was on Valentine’s Day this year and as always, I cooked dinner and he prepared it with me. It feels like that we’re back in the old days where we are still in the “girlfriend-boyfriend” relationship phase. Watching TV series on HD TV is really good

 

 

 

 

In relation to that, today we watched Kung Fu Panda 2. Here is my review for the awesome movie.

A short summary:

Poh just learned that he was adopted by his goose father (haha after so many years isn’t it obvious?). He was also trying to learn “inner peace” to do some sort of Kung Fu move. And so many revelations about his past came to the present involving a peacock that is evil named Shen.

I laughed, cried, laughed again, and cried again in this sequel. It was also way better in 3D. I give this movie a 5/5 grade. Best watched at Ayala Malls. *do not trust SM Cinema’s 3D glasses)*

Using Windows Live Writer Again

So recently I just finally moved my entire Wordpress and Friendster blogs into my Blogger account just because my friends use Blogger. By the way, the smiley faces on Blogger are actually kinda creepy-- they appear while typing and they’re inside a white box. When I started blogging again in Friendster, I was using this program from Windows, the Live Writer. Editing here is good and the layout would be nice (plus it has a spell check for English language).

I was rereading my blog. An awful lot of things were there and it was oh-so-awesome.  I could say I’ve lived ample years of happy, flirtatious, single, teenage life before I got married. The chronological notes of how happy and depressed I was during the formidable years of my teenage life were all written there. How glad I am that there is the export your blog option. I was able to treasure a lot of memories.

I write because I love writing and not to get some money or attention. I love writing because it’s a way where I can release my stress and ease the tension, or sometimes to share some exciting moments in my life. I hate it that I almost forgot doing this because of some circumstances during 2010, but now I’m back for good and I’m going to fill up my new blog home with lots of memories from this year 2011 till the next decade.

From my first blog post in 2005, I was able to publish hundreds of posts. All of them are meaningful. Some posts talk about the first time I went to the Garcia Residence at San Joaquin (later on would be my husband’s home), activities during my college life, my get-together with childhood friends (now my child’s ninongs and ninangs) and a lot more that would make me feel good about the past. I would like to share some other things like depressing, sad ones so I’m creating a new label called angst.

This would compile all of the posts I had from Live Journal, Friendster, Windows Live Spaces and Wordpress. Can’t wait to add them all up!

IYF World Camp 2011: We're Bound to Korea!

Last month, me and my husband attended our first orientation for IYF's 2011 World Camp with Leadership Training to be held at South Korea on June. I've been looking forward to joining this as soon as I saw the poster coming to the SC office at NCPAG. That was last year, when me and my classmate Nheo was staying late at the SC office. A student probably from the MA PA gave us a poster, telling us to post it in the bulletin board. At first glance, I thought I couldn't be able to participate, knowing my mother wouldn't let me and yeah it will be held in the beginning of the next semester. So my hopes faded for a while.

Not until IYF Philippines volunteers arrived at NCPAG to promote the World Camp personally. They created a booth at the atrium where I usually play PC games or surf the net during my 4-hour break. I then remembered that it was the same poster we saw a few months ago. The volunteers, composed of 2 people were dining in front of me. So when I had the chance, I asked them about the IYF World Camp. They gladly answered my questions and gave me more information about it. When lunch was over, I was able to talk more to one of the volunteers nicknamed Wilson. Our discussion was great, and he encouraged me to join the World Camp. So that night, I told my mom about it and she was as expected, hesitant.

The World Camp in South Korea is a good addition to my resume in the future. As told by my mother-in-law, trainings and seminars add up to the experience some companies are looking for. After I internalized what she had told me, I had decided I wanted to join this once in a lifetime experience. I told my husband about IYF World Camp but then he wasn't sure his parents would let him come. He wanted me to tell his parents about this and so that's what I did. We were glad his parents were so into it that they even volunteered giving us pocket money, travel insurance and plane tickets. Everything went so far so good, not until we realized it was difficult to apply for the visa.

My mother had undergone lots of troubles for me to get approved. She even sold some of our stocks in Meralco so that I would have a large sum in my show money. She had to deal with BIR for a certification, and bank certificate and finally she also gave me a copy of our land title. Good thing it was under my name. The final trouble was I am married and it shows in my permanent government records (BIR, Driver's License, Passport) but my school records show that I'm Ms. Blanco and that would be a greater conflict in some way according to IYF. But I was ready with other supporting documents like our NSO Copy of Marriage Contract so in the end, I got the visa I wanted.

Upon getting the visa, we secured our tickets from Korean Air. Our flight was scheduled on June 27 and our return to Philippines is on July 16. It would be the longest I would be in a foreign country and my third trip abroad. I hope my stay in South Korea would be as good and as fun as Hong Kong and Macau experience. I'm sure I would learn lots of things about Korean culture and hopefully the language :)

Again, thank you to my major sponsors: my mom and my parents-in-law: for all the help and support for me to achieve my dream to visit South Korea. 

I'm Lovin' My BlackBerry 9300 Curve 3G

This is a test post from my BB curve's email service. I just recently activated my Blogger's email posting and I'm about to send this post in a little while. So anyway, here's a picture of my husband that I took using my Curve's cam. The resolution was actually 1600x1200 but it is now cropped as an attachement for this email.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

Browhaus Experience Review

Yesterday, before attending a wedding, I went to Browhaus Serendra to get my eyebrows cleaned and shaped. I heard they do sorts of unique things with the eyebrow design and so on, but it was obviously overrated. There was no blueprint of eyebrows and all those stuff as said in this blog http://www.100percentkelly.com/2009/07/10/my-browhaus-experience/. So there, I entered, filled up the form and then later sat on the chair and was threaded. They said Browhaus won't hurt you as much, but it was not true. I still cried in this experience, almost the same pain I felt in LayBare's service. There's also plucking and shaving involved so those other process added to the hurt. I'm not an aesthetic critic so I couldn't tell whether the brows I now have are in fact, better. Probably I would post a picture of my brows as a follow-up. 580 Php is quite a high price too (LayBare price is 100), but Browhaus threading seats are good compared to LayBare's beds (you sit in there while being threaded, no back support). I would probably go back next month for maintenance.

Publishing Here Again

I once told myself I won't be opening my Friendster account not unless I want to find a photo or a lost contact, but here I am again for my blog. The layout of this blog is my favorite, and it's so rare that you cannot buy it anymore in the net (I've tried). I also found a download of the template Oceanwide but it didn't work on my Blogger or WordPress blog so okay, I simply quit trying.

I was inspired to write again about March. Last year, I was writing on the same month about my upcoming "labor" with my son Jethro. After a year, I could probably write about how extremely adorable he has been from the annoying kicker inside my body. Anyway, me and my husband have been really happy to play with him although most of the time we get kicked or plunged into and get sorts of bruises, if not bleeding body parts while taking care of him. We do tolerate some of those baby behaviors he's been showing since we all say they're cute and innocent (babies). Although sometimes, it's just too hurtful we tend to say "No-no" and shake our heads together with him. It's amazing how he understands (but still forcefully does what he wants sometimes) that concept. 9-month olds are really interesting.

Since it's almost our vacation, we've been hanging out with Jethro more often in the daytime. He, unfortunately is so attached with his Lola Ana (my mom) and oftentimes calls her "Mama" (which is so sweet yet annoying to both me and my mom). Well, sometimes Jethro calls me "Mama", most likely when I have a mobile phone or laptop beside me. He is really intrigued with electronic gadgets that the only way he stops whining when his Lola is gone is through a gadget.

We'll be dealing with him in the next few more weeks so I just hope my stuff will be fine by April.

I just wish he learns how to properly call me and my mom.

I’m Sorry.

Yesterday, I was online at 5 PM already for my 7 PM class at RareJob, my part-time job for a year now. I was glad that all my slots were occupied from 7-11 PM. My students have reserved a lesson since the night before and also early that morning. After some time, I had my husband fix the antivirus program of my netbook, this pink Sony VAIO my mom bought me a few months ago. The PC needs restarting, so I told him to quickly do it so that I will be online for the 7 PM class right away. I thought he’d open the Skype (this program is the one I’m using for work) after he has restarted my netbook. But he didn’t do that, so I was busy with our son for about an hour playing with him. I didn’t notice the time passed by and I wasn’t online. 6:30 PM came and my mom called us for dinner. I usually eat at a duration of 20 minutes. So 6:50 came. I went to my PC and checked my schedule on the company’s website. After that, I came looking for Skype—then I realized I wasn’t online nor the program was opened. I became so nervous.

When Skype had finished loading, it was 6:52. RareJob staff from Tokyo and Manila have been trying to contact me a few minutes ago. I decided to check my schedule and found out I had a 204 cancellation. My class for 7PM was already transferred to another tutor. I messaged the Scheduling Team and RareJob Japan at 6:53, and they both told me it’s too late to be reopened and it was transferred already. I should be online 10 minutes before. I was devastated and I started to cry. I blamed my husband right away for not clicking Skype as soon as my PC started. I changed the options then to “Start Skype when Windows starts” option (I don’t know the exact words), and then I continued crying over it. My disappointment continued especially when I realized I was penalized for 208 for the rest of the week (plus one day because they did not realize the “one week starting from today”, I don’t know how mad they were at me to do that). I was furious I drove him out of the room the whole night. So the 6 classes continued from 7:30-11. I still could not get over the large-scale cancellation.

When I talked about this thing I had to a student who was also married, he told me to forgive my husband and let it go; that this is just a part of married life I could not escape. I knew he made sense, but when I remember my other student’s comment about this—that it was really infuriating—I had second thoughts again. After my 11 PM class, I went out of the room and I saw my husband walking along the dining hall. He said sorry again for what happened. Somehow, I know I could forgive him about that manner, even though obviously I haven’t gotten over it. I simply replied okay and told him about the penalty of 1 week cancellation. His face looks devastated as well as mine, but I turned away and walked out to the kitchen and passed by him without a word.

I could just have asked him to return to our bed and spend the night there as usual when we’re okay, but I had not told him that. I continued acting childishly and so he had to sleep in the broken couch at the living room. Actually, I cannot sleep also because I was thinking of how sore our bodies were from the work-out that morning and he might be having lots of troubles sleeping there too. But my so-called anger that night didn’t make me feel sorry after all. The next day, I was still able to talk to him (a bit) and then I could see that he’s still repenting on it. As always, I would not talk about it and I would be mad for other unrelated things. Yes, that was what happened. He left home for school without me saying a word. Maybe when he comes back later in the evening, I’d tell him exactly what made me so furious. I just wanted to blame someone for a mistake I had done unintentionally.

 

I’m sorry, Hani. I know you won’t be able to read this (the main reason I wrote it here).

Torture

 

I always wonder why I still have to hurt myself like this. It's not that I don't want to be happy but I do believe there is no happy ending, and that he is not my happy ending. Before he has hurt me a couple of times "unintentionally" as he claims, but still I doubt it after he had seemingly honestly told me the truth about his exploits I had caught him doing not so long ago. That, I cannot forgive.

He always tells me I'm the most important, like he cannot live without me and he really cares for me but what does he do? He just makes me cry over "trivial" matters, but those small things count more to me than of other things he does for me. I don't think he's particularly being transparent with me, and that he's always doing this to hurt me. He was wired like that.

Although when I read his sweet nothings and remember his loving gestures, I fail to remember how hurt I was and how I cried endlessly for nights while I am having our son. Those nights I felt so alone that he wasn't there to support me were the longest and saddest I ever had. The days where I went to the OB alone made me hate myself for carrying his child and bearing all the stress coming from it. Good thing I was able to handle it, if not for the love I had for our little boy--that he seriously didn't have at first when I felt it already.

I cursed him and hurt him, but still I feel like I'm gonna cry every time I do that. Once, he has seen me breakdown and do all the hurtful physical things to him, but he didn't learn from that. He knows that sooner or later I will cool down and we'll settle things right. But I never forget what he's done. I always go back to it whenever I feel bad about something he did, or whenever I think he's doing something wrong. Trust will never be present (because from the very start of our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, I have not trusted him), therefore true, unadulterated love won't be here as well.

I don't know how long will this be, or how far can I go from what I'm doing to him…. But for sure, he wouldn't be around next time to understand me, or to hug me when I'm throwing tantrums, or to give me a tissue when I'm bursting in tears. He would not kiss me anymore, hold my hand when I'm just beside him, or hug me tightly with no particular reason. I will surely look for that and for the great sex we had.

The thing is, I cannot say I love you when I am not that sure; nor I cannot tell you how I feel because you will have high hopes of me.

Unrest

This title will be similar to what some spirits are to be described if they still dwell in this world, or just like a rally of people in Mendiola when they want to voice out their concerns in public. Yes, my feelings are still in a state of unrest. I don't know if this is the proper way of writing this noun here together with another noun-- feelings.

Oh well, whatever grammatical problem I'm having right now as a concern is due to my late-night job as a tutor.

Anyway, going back to my earlier point, I still have these ill feelings about my said loving hubby who really is loving and thoughtful, I have no questions about that. But what really ticks me off is how he handles the sharing of some details of his life outside my boundaries to me. It's just where the ill feeling starts. I just think that he's not telling me enough details, but it is I who seemingly isn't interested.

In truth, I really want him to open up and tell everything to me straightforwardly, just like when we're just starting college with that logbook of ours. Now it's as if he's afraid to talk because I might react violently and tactlessly, or show my feelings of doubt right away. Add this as a plus to his silence: I had told him flatly that I simply don't believe his words anyway, so why would he waste time talking and explaining things to me.

Now do I have the right to complain now? I guess the answer is absolutely not. I believe that he really wanted me to trust him as much as I want to, but my heart and mind is either paranoid due to his family history. I firmly believed that if someone in the family has cheated, most likely the next generation are likewise (ie our neighbors etc). He couldn't blame me for this because yeah, my mind is a closed yet open one: open with new and interesting possibilities and closed due to the history of negative things. Oh well, he chose to marry the wrong person and I could only mourn for him.

I honestly believe he's sort of a very good catch, but it's just that he had the wrong person to supposedly fall in love with: and that is, me.

Nokia N900

Humans are said to be known for not having enough for material things—yeah, I’m one of them so I should agree. For about 2 months, I’ve been eagerly eyeing this one of the latest from Nokia’s Nseries, and I’ve spent quite sometime looking for obviously a cheaper deal (I have heard it still is around 30 thou in the Nokia Philippines store). I was almost scammed on eBay during that process, and I rightfully won the claim and got a full refund (thank you, PayPal). The seller still told me he or she shipped the item and I could either pay for it (duh, after that long process and worrisome nights?) or return it to him or her. If that’s true, then I might be getting another N900 next month. Thinking of customs charges and other fees, I don’t think I’m getting that 450 USD worth mobile. I got the refund, period.

Anyway, I got what I wanted through a local store online. I just had some problems dealing with them through the phone, but everything went smoothly as they’ve stated. Got it in a so-so price, and my budget was just enough. The package I chose included an 8 GB micro SD and shipping insurance. I was really excited to open the box since Sunday night and I kept dreaming of using it. The reviews were astounding, and as compared to Apple Iphone 3GS, it is said that this one’s better (I was also aiming for that 3GS thing, but I decided not to since I’m not a Mac person). Air21 delivered it at around 9 am something, and here are some of the initial unboxing photos (taken by my former favorite smartphone, Samsung Touchwhiz F480):

              Here’s the opened box and all its contents (not in particular order): N900 phone, charger (with micro USB converter), CA-101 USB data cable, headset (with extra earplugs), manual (in color and one of the thinnest Nokia manuals I’ve ever had), BL-5J battery, video-out cable, cleaning cloth and the 8 GB micro SD (meaning they’ve already opened the box before I received it! haha).    

 

So I got the phone opened and inserted the Smart SIM I’ve had for ages, removed this black plastic cover and saw its shiny shiny touch surface":

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I turned it on for the first time in my hand and yeah, it was like this:

This is the back part. I liked it since it’s Blue in color (my favorite).

And so, for the next few hours, I can’t stop exploring it. :)

Took this photo hours and hours after. This is the cover of the box, and it’s somewhat embossed. Pretty cool.

 

 

 

 

I cannot add a detailed review here because you can see more specific and technical reviews in the net. What I achieved so far is using the stylus and avoiding my fingers to touch and touch (I was trained with my Samsung smartphone to only use my fingers since it has no stylus), connecting it with WLAN through ad hoc connection with my Acer laptop, using it with PC Suite 7, downloading apps and widgets for it through WLAN again, connecting my social networks to it, adding VoIP and IM accounts, setting up my 3 mails, watch a Youtube video through its Maemo browser, playing a full touch screen tetris game (haha), taking photos and videos, abusing the micro SD by loading it up with music and videos, using Firefox as browser there, listening to radio, synchronizing contacts with my other Nokia phone, receiving and sending files through Bluetooth, getting used with the QWERTY keypad, personalizing the phone and counting.

After long hours of spending time with it and draining its battery, I think now I’m already satisfied. Now I’m not really into the phone. Maybe one of these days I won’t be using it for a day or two. The phone hype is over. Till next year, I guess.

One of Those Days

It's here again. There's something about his hair, maybe about his fair complexion, in his smile and his physical features. I can't seem to get off my eyes on him. There's this gravitational pull making me want to glomp him and pull him closer to me. Yes, I could tell it is one of those days when I'm crazy over him. In fact, I could think mostly of him for many days continuously. Sometimes, it is his scent that draws me nearer, but today I can't actually tell. It's as if there's some unidentifiable source making me feel this way. I would love to just stare at him all day and do nothing, but I bet it would be as awkward as ever. I don't usually show my feelings of fondness and attraction towards him. Most of the time, he would just catch me staring deadpan at him with a quite obvious expression of awe and admiration. Honestly, I don’t know how to express myself when I find him cute, hot, or however attractive at any given time. It's just I had some telltale signs. He could figure it out. In fact, that could just be a sign that we're sort of contradictory entities.

I wanted to be as expressive as he seemingly is, but that would not be "me". It's unconventional, bizarre, and awkward to see me acting fangirlishly to the man I love in front of his face. Never could you see me in that state. I wish though that this feeling of wanting him beside me for hours and doing nothing would pass and die down eventually. I'm looking forward to the next day I see him. The truth is, every time I see him, the attraction gets to a higher level. It's insanely annoying for me since I cannot manage to see him everyday. I'm missing him more and more that maybe the next time we see each other, I'll tie him on our bedpost. Oh right. It's as if I'm missing some important point here. We were married almost a week ago. That's right. He's mine until death. Maybe now I could learn to use forever. We're stuck with each other legally as of this moment. I somehow find it like music to my ears; although the consequences and responsibilities are a little off my capacity right now. Anyway maybe I should enjoy the few months of us being the "happy couple" and drown in my fantasies of him while he's away. I don't assure though that I would find peace during these days that I'm admitting defeat over his charisma.

I Miss You.

It's like those times again, that I've been very insecure of all his activities--only this time I have proof and I found that all my doubts were real. I kind of said the dumbest things to him earlier, and maybe if he quite remembers well he would carry those words with him in his thoughts. I only said what I felt because I think I was so frustrated that life had been very good for him. But once I said that his life is easy, he would answer a big stoic no. Then he'd shoot me with his fiery I love you lines again, and now I'd counter them.

I only get that insecure when he keeps his cellphone close to him, as if he was waiting for his ladylove's messages and he has to reply without me looking. Also, he has this habit of texting so much now compared before. I am having a bad feeling about it, but I cannot confront him anyhow. I don't know whether I should spill the beans to anyone because they will just say, screw your gut feelings, he's probably not doing anything. You know how good he is, and so on. He has this generally charismatic image to anyone and at most you would believe he's really a cool guy. I have seen his downside, have I really?

Of course, another part of these never ending insecurity dramas is his change of clothing, looks and demeanor. His newly built self-confidence and ego must've been brought by some other girl, of course not me--his subtly controlling fiancée. It seems as if our self-confidence are inversely proportional values: while his goes up, mine goes down. Yeah. It sucks but that's how it really is and was from the beginning. We never complete each other, we just complement and our relationship will make the other one go up and the other sink lower.

Whatever that must be really, I still miss how he treats me before all of these had happened. In the event that I have not been pregnant, would he be still his old sulky self that is so much more clingy than what he is now? I guess I like the new him better, although yeah I would want his emotional self back then to reappear. I admire him more for his newfound confidence, but I am really worried on what this would cause me. I guess the great depression is back.

I’m Getting Hitched. For Real.

It was just like yesterday when I thought of ending my 4-year long relationship with my first boyfriend. It was chaotic. Maybe I was some sort of a confused individual that time, or something like that, and he was a depressed person who needed attention. I just felt like quitting of course with a lot of things alongside it, and he just felt like ending his life because of the so-called breakup, if it was true back then. Whichever the reason was, I couldn’t actually point my finger on it. That event was filled with drama, foolishness, and bitterness; I had to think rationally and dump some logic behind. That, however, might have been the main cause why things turned this way.

And now, almost 8 months later, we’re about to get married and have a baby. My life did a fast-forward on that and made a pause on my academic life, and probably a stop on my social life. Was I too reckless it ended up like this? I can’t help but look back at what I have been doing: which part did this mess originated from? Was it  during high school when I got involved with him or the time I decided to leave PCA and move to another school where I had met him? Or maybe it was the time when I’ve let my guard off and had things done his way? I can’t tell exactly. It’s just either it was originally from my past actions that sequentially led me to this or it’s because of my lack of common sense as the years pass by.

I still feel bad about everything that I really like blaming him for all of these (which is obviously wrong since I took part doing the sin somehow). The thing is, I won’t be able to do what a normal 20-year old girl would from this point on—party, hang-out with friends till dawn, attend multiple sleepovers, boy hunting with girl friends, and so on. Plus, I didn’t get the chance to have another 2 or more boyfriends. I was stuck with one from the beginning, and I wouldn’t know what it feels like to have a break-up for real (I believe what we had was fake). I won’t get the chance to mingle with singles and enjoy what my friends are enjoying right now.

Most of all, I had ruined my college education. I’d be delayed for another year, which is quite a long time before I graduate from the university.

I know it’s too late for me to regret everything since I have already made a decision about this thing called marriage. It didn’t take me a long time to think about it—did I have a choice that time? Probably yes, I could have just pondered on it many, countless times and decide on it according to what suits me best. I didn’t have that thinking though, because I was pressured and all by everyone in my family. It’s yet another case of an early marriage in our clan, and the solution is to get married. Good thing I didn’t have to prod and push him to marry me. Besides, it was him who had thought of that idea even before I got pregnant. The difference is that he had planned it after my 21st birthday.

I wonder if I’m actually doing the right thing. A couple of my friends had asked me if I was ready and sure about this. I didn’t have much reason to hesitate. I don’t really know which path I’m going at the first place, with or without this incident. So maybe this is the right thing to do. But still, I’m pessimistic about it, as usual. It’s clearly not a fairytale ending for me.

After 2 years…!

I finally found the ENGLISH Translation for Suki Dakara, my phenomenal theme song for the year 2008. Thanks to http://namiichan.wordpress.com, I finally have it. This song is sooooo memorable for me because it was especially dedicated for a certain someone last 2008. During those times, I thought this song would be the right one for you even though I barely knew the English meaning. :) To *****, Stay happy and successful! This one’s for you, though I’m finally over you…

 

See you later, we waved our hands
the figure of your back is already like that,
swaying, it becomes small in the evening wave of people

The words you gave me, one by one
remembering them, I closed my eyes
even though only the happy thoughts should be here
I become uneasy, I wonder why my heart quivers

I want to tell you more, these feelings overflowing like that
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

Turning around and running off
I want to go and chase after you but
the loneliness of evening swallowed that kind of courage

Within your smiling face, I am there
just a little bit separated
it’s like I’ve become a lost child, about to cry
if I were docile, I could live even without these kind of feelings

Only an empty me exists here, crying out
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

March!

I’m not really excited for March. It’s just that another month has passed and I’m getting near my due date. I would want this torturous pregnancy. Okay, let’s make it lighter. It’s not that torturous, maybe 75%. I’ve been totally stressed in the first to second trimester, but luckily I had not experienced the so-called morning sickness and all that pregnancy symptoms. I’m one of the few lucky women. It’s just that I could not adjust to my new weight that I am experiencing difficulties in WALKING. Oh yes, walking. Sometimes, I would thought that I would be paralyzed before I could give birth. It’s very agonizing. Each step kills me. I wonder if it is some twisted ligament or veins that caused the pain. I would just wonder, I don’t know who to ask for answers.

Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve talked about my pregnancy in my blog directly. I guess the big bump must’ve gotten obvious to my senses. And of course add the actual thing in my tummy that moves and disturbs me even when I’m asleep. Add the fact that I’m bugged by people around me about it. I don’t know if I’m really happy and excited about this whole thing, maybe half or so, but this change in my life definitely hasn’t been grasped by my brain yet. I’m still wishfully thinking that this is just all a nightmare. Anyway, before it actually happened, I’m quite aware that the occurrence of this is of a high possibility, that is why I wasn’t surprised or anything, even my parents. Good thing I told them about my frivolous actions beforehand. That lessened the damage and anger, I think.

I guess I’ll just be positive about this because my face can’t bear the breakouts any longer. I’m sure the stress from the past 6 months caused the super duper breakout of acne. Dang, I have to cope with acne scars and some acne building up again. Besides, my eye bags have grown compared when I was at school. I may conclude that unwanted pregnancy can cause thrice the stress than studying in full load at college everyday. It has been proven in my case. Another thing this caused me is my self-confidence to drop at near zero. Also, my insecurity level had gone to the highest level possible. I don’t know if it’s just the hormones raging right now, but yeah it did a lot of negativity in my normal and abnormal way of living. If I’d undergo this again, I don’t know what else I would experience that is detrimental for me.

Clean Slate?

Kung babalikan ko ang mga naganap sa buhay ko nung nakaraang apat na taon, masasabi kong malaki nga rin ang naging pagkukulang ko. Pwede ring ako rin pala ay may kailangang pagbayaran at “ganti” lang din ang mga naganap last year. Pero nang dahil sa pride ko, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na maaari ngang ang insecurities ko ang may kagagawan sa dinaranas kong kung ano man ito.

Maganda ang kahulugan ng idiom na may kinalaman sa title ng blog post kong ito. Clean slate. Start anew, walang prejudice, hindi na iisipin ang nakaraan. Kung gaano man kaganda ang intensyon mo ay ganoon din kahirap gawin iyon. Hindi rin madalian kung magkakalimutan man ang pag-uusapan, lalo na sa katulad kong matalas ang memorya para sa mga karumal-dumal na bagay.

Hyperbole na kung hyperbole, pero maaari kong i-classify na krimen ang mga naganap last year. Siguro kung ita-tally ko ang akin at ang kanya e mas madami ang sticks nung sakin. Kaya lang, pag naiisip ko naman yung sa kanya at lulutang ang pagkaparanoid ko e wala nang mararating ang mga guilt trip ko pag gabi. Bigla nanaman akong matutuliro sa kaiisip ng mga kung anu-anong mga bagay. Minsan nga hindi ko nalang iniintindi, pero pag nag-umpisa na yan, heto na at babalik ang nakaraan.

Iyon din kaya ang gumugulo sa kanya?

Hindi ko iniintindi kung ano kasi ang pakiramdam nya. Oo, inaamin kong insensitive ako at magaling din sa accusations. Hindi rin ako open sa mga saloobin ko kaya nakikimkim ang kung anong ideas pagkatapos e ipapakita ko nalang ang aking grudges. Tapos ito namang isa walang clue (o posible ring alam nya pero hindi niya dinederetso). Sa tingin ko naman dapat sa ngayon ay wala na rin kaming pag-aalinlangan sa isa’t-isa. Hindi magtatagal wala na kaming magagawa kundi unawain ang mga ka-weirdohan at tanggapin iyon nang maluwag.

Sana lang ganyan palagi ang naiisip ko. Pwede rin naman kasing hindi nalang talaga pansinin ang mga ganito’t-ganyan. Kaso, iba pa rin naman ang obvious at ang kakaibang kutob. Magulo lang talaga. Pwede ko ring sisihin ang kalagayan ko ngayon, pero hindi na pwede sigurong sisihin ang mood swings kasi lakpas na ko sa bahaging iyon. Siguro yung “hormonal” na lang, pasado pa. Dapat siguro pinag-iisipan ko talaga ang mga sinasabi ko. Kasi naman pag joke, minsan sabi ko “half-meant” or hindi ko nasasabi na “joke lang,”. Sana EWAN nalang ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong tapos bahala na kung totoo o hindi, with no hard feelings.

Kailan kaya ako makakapag-isip nang matino tungkol dito? Feeling ko kasi maiksing oras na lang ang natitira para sa conclusion.

Kuro-wanwan, Yuuko and Syaoran

I’m desperate in building a Chop Shop in Mafia Wars that I created dummy accounts for my “kids”. I know it’s a wrong move since they are not Facebookers or living entities to have their own e-mail accounts. I tried starting to play Mafia Wars with Yuuko and Kuro’s accounts but I was surprised there was no player class. Starting a new Mafia Wars account is surprisingly different. Oh well, it was a year ago when I created my first one so it really must have changed through time.

I don’t know what to put in Kuro and Yuuko’s accounts since they don’t live. Maybe I’ll invent things, place their real pictures, and add a few people who really know them in their accounts. For Syaoran, I wasn’t able to create an e-mail account yet since there have been multiple errors in CometBird. (By the way, I use 5 browsers in my PC for my many Yahoo! working accounts) Anyway, I would still try using these accounts for my gameplay because as I’ve said earlier, I’m desperate. :D

Musings

 

I really still have troubles when I think of his activities outside my knowledge. Let's say school and after school. He rarely talks to me about his nightly activities, and also the things he does when I'm not around. He doesn't mention the people he's with, only in a few cases. I really do not want to prod him to tell everything, because I prefer to be discreet and just investigate silently. But it seems as if he could read every thought and action I do. It's not the higher case of paranoia I experienced before though. I still have these gut feelings from before, strengthening each time we meet each other and I notice changes in him. His demeanor was way different from the time he said he's crazy for me. His elated mood whenever, wherever is kind of bothering me. Maybe things are getting better for him at his school. Maybe he's found a company for him to be happy with, thus he doesn't need me and he doesn't quite remember to text me or so. It was so unlike before--those times I was busy driving him away for various reasons. Now I'm thinking that I really need him to always check on me and to bug me, and it feels really weird if he's not doing that. But things have changed already, as I've been telling myself. I cannot bring back those times that he assumingly needs me and relies on every word I say. Now, he's more on others' approval and not of mine. It sucks because I am used to his being so needy of me and also of his attention to everything I do. I still think of the reasons why this had happened: was he tired of me already or is it because we're tying the knot and he's secure I won't linger anywhere but beside him? It's frustrating not knowing these and wanting to know the answers to my questions but the answer cannot be determined. Only he could state every truth and lie that I would have to analyze for myself. I don't know if this unknown jealousy and insecurity really has some real roots or was it just my missing him that affects my emotions? Or maybe the changes made me think that his inconsistency really is doubtful. I just smile and cry whenever I remember the times he's been really trying to please me, or to appear as I had wanted him to be. It's such a shame I went through the lengths of those that I wanted to change his entire being. It's wrong, it’s given to be so wrong, but I still did it. I just feel sad and terrible because of the things I've done to him. In the end, it was I who totally lost him, and now I have nothing to keep him stuck with me but a kid in my tummy.

Today is not January 23. I know.

Surprisingly, there was no January 2010 blog post on this longest running blog that I have. I found it quite inappropriate because I wanted to have all the months shown on the archive. So even though today’s the 23rd of February, thanks to Windows Live Writer, I was able to set the date for this post—thus the title.

Anyway, I’m already moving to Blogger. I already created this account before and now I think I will update it side by side with WordPress and FS (I was thinking if it would be redundant). My Multiply blog will contain separate posts as it has always been the more honest blog I ever created posts on. BlogSync helped me with the Blogger move. It’s such an easy app to use. :)

Since I forgot what I wanted to say, and I’m merely spending time while waiting for a student to come online, I’ll end tonight’s post right now (maybe later I would have something to talk about).

Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.