After 2 years…!

I finally found the ENGLISH Translation for Suki Dakara, my phenomenal theme song for the year 2008. Thanks to http://namiichan.wordpress.com, I finally have it. This song is sooooo memorable for me because it was especially dedicated for a certain someone last 2008. During those times, I thought this song would be the right one for you even though I barely knew the English meaning. :) To *****, Stay happy and successful! This one’s for you, though I’m finally over you…

 

See you later, we waved our hands
the figure of your back is already like that,
swaying, it becomes small in the evening wave of people

The words you gave me, one by one
remembering them, I closed my eyes
even though only the happy thoughts should be here
I become uneasy, I wonder why my heart quivers

I want to tell you more, these feelings overflowing like that
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

Turning around and running off
I want to go and chase after you but
the loneliness of evening swallowed that kind of courage

Within your smiling face, I am there
just a little bit separated
it’s like I’ve become a lost child, about to cry
if I were docile, I could live even without these kind of feelings

Only an empty me exists here, crying out
because I love you, because I love you
because I absolutely love you

Clean Slate?

Kung babalikan ko ang mga naganap sa buhay ko nung nakaraang apat na taon, masasabi kong malaki nga rin ang naging pagkukulang ko. Pwede ring ako rin pala ay may kailangang pagbayaran at “ganti” lang din ang mga naganap last year. Pero nang dahil sa pride ko, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na maaari ngang ang insecurities ko ang may kagagawan sa dinaranas kong kung ano man ito.

Maganda ang kahulugan ng idiom na may kinalaman sa title ng blog post kong ito. Clean slate. Start anew, walang prejudice, hindi na iisipin ang nakaraan. Kung gaano man kaganda ang intensyon mo ay ganoon din kahirap gawin iyon. Hindi rin madalian kung magkakalimutan man ang pag-uusapan, lalo na sa katulad kong matalas ang memorya para sa mga karumal-dumal na bagay.

Hyperbole na kung hyperbole, pero maaari kong i-classify na krimen ang mga naganap last year. Siguro kung ita-tally ko ang akin at ang kanya e mas madami ang sticks nung sakin. Kaya lang, pag naiisip ko naman yung sa kanya at lulutang ang pagkaparanoid ko e wala nang mararating ang mga guilt trip ko pag gabi. Bigla nanaman akong matutuliro sa kaiisip ng mga kung anu-anong mga bagay. Minsan nga hindi ko nalang iniintindi, pero pag nag-umpisa na yan, heto na at babalik ang nakaraan.

Iyon din kaya ang gumugulo sa kanya?

Hindi ko iniintindi kung ano kasi ang pakiramdam nya. Oo, inaamin kong insensitive ako at magaling din sa accusations. Hindi rin ako open sa mga saloobin ko kaya nakikimkim ang kung anong ideas pagkatapos e ipapakita ko nalang ang aking grudges. Tapos ito namang isa walang clue (o posible ring alam nya pero hindi niya dinederetso). Sa tingin ko naman dapat sa ngayon ay wala na rin kaming pag-aalinlangan sa isa’t-isa. Hindi magtatagal wala na kaming magagawa kundi unawain ang mga ka-weirdohan at tanggapin iyon nang maluwag.

Sana lang ganyan palagi ang naiisip ko. Pwede rin naman kasing hindi nalang talaga pansinin ang mga ganito’t-ganyan. Kaso, iba pa rin naman ang obvious at ang kakaibang kutob. Magulo lang talaga. Pwede ko ring sisihin ang kalagayan ko ngayon, pero hindi na pwede sigurong sisihin ang mood swings kasi lakpas na ko sa bahaging iyon. Siguro yung “hormonal” na lang, pasado pa. Dapat siguro pinag-iisipan ko talaga ang mga sinasabi ko. Kasi naman pag joke, minsan sabi ko “half-meant” or hindi ko nasasabi na “joke lang,”. Sana EWAN nalang ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong tapos bahala na kung totoo o hindi, with no hard feelings.

Kailan kaya ako makakapag-isip nang matino tungkol dito? Feeling ko kasi maiksing oras na lang ang natitira para sa conclusion.

Underling

self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)

noun

one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

 

There was such a time in my life when I thought I was this worthless: a worthless piece of shit existing just to please two ningens living with it just to satisfy societal and human conditions—in order to survive barely with its coexistent stuffs altogether living in a bare house of stone designed chiefly to torture this piece of shit—coexisting with other ningens who deem themselves “HIGH AND MIGHTY” and the “CREAM OF THE CROP” among all worthless institutions of the so-called “learning and knowledge” in the great country of the losers… in short, I thought of my existence in UP Diliman as quite demeaning, common, and therefore mediocre. Not until I came to NCPAG and have met all other SEEMINGLY (yes, this word changes the context) worthless people from Engineering and other UP Diliman Colleges like myself (I won’t care mentioning them).

True enough, being in NCPAG made me realize my actual worth (there really is some worth in me, so try figuring this out, dupes.) as a person and even as a single entity belonging to my parents’ assets (I could be a great one now that I know it). I could create something from this nonsense earthly existence we all have as of this moment. Of course, it would be more until I graduate from this freakin’ high and mighty institution. Right, thanks to this school, I got my first boring job and got lots of annoying phone calls from Call Center companies that have added to my existing (and increasing) self-worth that I’ve sort of lost… all because of several people from my High School.

Right now, I would want these people to come and take a look at me and finally realize whom they have been messing with: now then, tell me who among us is by far the LUCKIEST? I always thought you were more superior than I am, more attractive, more talented, more KNOWLEDGEABLE, more sociable, MORE, MORE, MORE—all that I really was before. I really wondered what made me think I was this useless in front of you yet even when I was not in your school, I had all the glory I could ever had. It’s time that I rant these because you’ve taken so much from me psychologically: It’s time for me to RANT and HAIL myself worthy of whatever shit I should have gotten before.

Hey, look now. Who got into the so-called premier university? Who’s about to kick all your sorry asses in the future? Come on. I hope you get the message. Yes, I have the bragging rights from the very start. YES, I AM CONCEITED. Yeah right, yeah right. Get mad. Now do it. All is said and done, but I would want my vengeance to take over now. In a few month’s time, I’ll really stick to what I’ve planned. Gratitude is out of the question. Friendship is erased in the picture. I’ve found BETTER people in my current school and I think they would influence me better than what you did to me. Oh yes, get mad at me. Raise all your furies hiding from within… I would love that.

I was really a loser back then—because I spent time with you. I really know it, and I admit it.

Glamorous Days

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

akehanashita mado ni mawaru ranbu no DEEP SKY
AH aoide...

Boisterous dance by the opened window DEEP SKY
AH look up the sky

"kurikaesu hibi ni nan no imi ga aru no?"
AH sakende...
tobidasu GO
hakitsubushita ROCKING SHOES
haneageru PUDDLE
flash back
kimi wa CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

"what is the point of repeated days?"
AH scream
and run. GO
torn ROCKING SHOES
jumping PUDDLE
Flash back
you are CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

"akewatashita ai ni nan no kachi mo nai no?"
AH nageite...
hakidasu GO
nomihoshite ROCK N'ROLL
iki agaru BATTLE
flash back
kimi no FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

"There is no values on given up love?"
AH regret
and vomit GO
All drunken ROCK N'ROLL
spirit up BATTLE
FURASSHUBAKKU
your FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

ano hoshi wo atsumete  kono mune ni kazaritai
ano yume wo tsunaide  futari odotta GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
nemurenai yo!

I want to collect those stars and decorate this heart
Connecting the dreams, we both danced GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
I can't sleep!

SUNDAY MONDAY
inazuma TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
yukibana... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
nanairo EVERYDAY
yamikumo kieru FULL MOON
kotaete  boku no koe ni

SUNDAY MONDAY
stormy TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
snowflower... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
seven colors EVERYDAY
the dark clouds disappeared. FULL MOON
Answer to my voice.

ano kumo wo haratte  kimi no mirai terashitai
kono yume wo kakaete  hitori aruku yo GLORIOUS DAYS

I want to erase that cloud and enlighten your future
Embracing this dream, I'll walk alone GLORIOUS DAYS

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

GLAMOROUS SKY...

GLAMOROUS SKY...

Translated and transliterated by busbuddy

Personally this song has been my movie OST favorite until Reira entered and stole the scene. Owaranai Story just got my heart swayed—that was when I thought of love as something sacred or something to cherish. But then it isn’t the actual thing. I was blinded by those times. Anyway, this song isn’t the main theme of this post. I just added it since it’s my current ALSS [Auto Last Song Syndrome, heard from nowhere but from the insides of my brain transmitted to my vocal cords, etc.]

I would really want to create a blog post about UP’s miraculous win which sort of disappointed me. However, when these eerie feelings came by to visit me again, I couldn’t help but write about it. Another rant slash implied post was therefore set to be published.

I cannot define what’s real and what’s not. Yeah, many blurbs of the people around me kind of point out to the one same thing the other is implying. Who cares then? Should I listen? I don’t really think it’s needed. Should I believe? I won’t listen so why would I analyze it? By the way it is being repeated in my ear for the last 30 days already. I digressed. I would not want it to remain in my long-term memory…

As much as I would want to elaborate that, I really find it hard to be fed into my mind. I mean, come on. My mind is cluttered and has been cluttered since the beginning of time. And to add some nonsense this-and-that would make it more cluttered and unorganized, losing some important space for something more productive. I really do not want to believe, because seeing is believing. Faith do not apply so much on me for I seek the evidences and not “trust” the yet unknown things. Besides, I rely too much on my gut feeling that I would not want to at least attempt to do the things I already have done—I’ve dealt with losses because of believing waaay back in my life’s early stages.

He couldn’t blame me. We both know the fact that my mindset is fixed. Once something has been settled, I wouldn’t mind digging it, but the resolve has already been done and decided. No matter how much it costs him or how much time will be lost because of my disbelief, or how many lives could practically be ruined because of my will, I wouldn’t risk being hurt again. Plain immature thinking. It is rather logical, since the argument here is that, why hurt yourself again if you’ve been hurt by that same thing for a thousand times? My logic is contorted. Right, I know.

If most people find my decision stupid and not worth living up to this moment, then fine, think of it that way. As long as the two words that matter to me are existing, I could still endure everything. Definitely it’s stupid and non-Christian. Whatever to that. Patience is a virtue, as they say. But I think endurance is coupled with patience in order for it to take its full effect. That one thing could be found in that person, but I guess all the wordplays and all the redundancies must’ve made me sick and tired already… not to mention bored.

He would want me to think of everything as part of the recent past that is yet to be forgotten and buried somewhere else, and to be reclaimed by tons of new physical interaction and lots of the so-called emotional attachment. Kinda good to hear, those lines like “let’s throw the past away and leave it all behind”, “we’ll do more good memories and it will bury every bad thing in the past”, and so on, and so forth.

How come I would want to believe him somehow yet my gut feel strictly tells me it’s something I shouldn’t settle amicably?

Probably my plans will just have to push through. I don’t care whether repercussions are the worst, or if Karma down hits me. Bring it on.

Undefined

I’m writing tonight because I cannot sleep. I also can’t cry my eyes out anymore. Somehow, there seems to be only a few tears left to fall. Tomorrow, maybe my eyes will go Chinese again, but I don’t care. If these would be the last tears I ought to cry before I leave the rest to God, then it should be.

I haven’t thought of the faith journey speeches and the impacts of God on people on our church before that much. I usually listen and hear of them losing loved ones, telling of the trials, and of their childhood—yes, I’m interested, but I do not internalize the message. That maybe is because although I regularly attend to and exchange witty comments on our Wednesday Bible Study every two weeks, I really don’t have that strong Christian faith most of them have. Personally, I know that I might be some sort of an agnostic and a half, or maybe a quarter of an atheist or whatever unimaginable mix it could be. I knew doctrines and historical accounts of the Catholic and Protestant church, but they just battle in my head making my faith drop down to almost absolute zero.

And if there was someone who constantly reminds me to trust in God and all those faith-related stuff, that would be my dad. Ever since I was a kid, he taught me about that—stories on how he got into Engineering with God’s guidance and passed the Board Exam because of Him—still  it didn’t become part of my regular mindset. Yes, I pray, but only to get my caprices and thanks to God I got a truckload of presents that are quite expensive yearly. Now as I get older, I realize what he has been telling me all along: everything comes freely from Him. That I could not contest, since I’ve lived a happy yet dramatic life because I’m a Drama Queen without any reason to be dramatic. I always get what I want since I was little. Maybe I’m fit to be called a spoiled brat after all.

This time, God cannot give me something I need. I know I always asked from Him sorts of things like straight A’s, line of 9’s, gadgets, and other material stuff or ego boosting sorts of things, but when I ask of something really priceless, obviously it won’t go my way now. I won’t blame Him for that. I’ve asked for too much. If I could have it, then I would be the luckiest girl on earth, not to mention the happiest. But I’ve lost hope already. Maybe it’s just right to leave it all that way. Maybe it’s really my dad’s time to leave me. Maybe it’s about time I learn to keep important people in my priority list. Maybe it’s the right opportunity for me to wake up and realize what I should be and what I could be… or maybe I should fix my values and redefine myself… whatever. My concern here is not to be the best daughter, but to be the best failure who got up and redeemed herself.

If this post should be called an oath, I bet this would be the worst I’ve promised. I cannot state how sorry or regretful I am for the path I took right after passing the entrance exam—including all the 5’s and the INC’s and the 4’s I garnered throughout my boring 3 and a half years in college. It’s time to settle to the greater side of things. I think he would be happier to leave me when I become at least upright in the final stages of my teen life. I hated myself before, and now I think it would be best to love 'myself’ again… hoping it would do me something good.

He always wished and hoped and planned everything for my future, for me to live a full and happy life while he’s around or not. From that, I will definitely do my share of the labor.

I don’t know how to deal with every obstacle, but I think I’ll be stronger than my tougher side now. And I’m doing this for myself, just as you would want me to.

Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t know if this should be the right title since I didn’t have any positive thoughts about my doubts. I looked up this idiom in a certain website I always look for answers (take note: not Google :)) but this is what I saw and it bothered me more if this should be the appropriate title:

A favorable judgment granted in the absence of full evidence.

Okay, so I was taken aback and I thought of it again. Maybe I NEED TO GIVE THIS ONE in order for me to stop grumbling and be merely satisfied with all of the things that I could assumingly touch, see, hear and analyze. Yes, I have always been skeptical to most things, especially with romance. If I could count the moments I had lost “loves” because of this, my 10 fingers would not be enough to count them. The best word could be cynical, and in fact, my cynicism reached lengths where I can’t control it—detesting and contesting such obvious scenarios and instances one has done to me. All I ask for are proofs, but when I thought of it, those proofs I was looking for since then were right in front of me. Was I blinded or is it just because of the long run state of disbelief I am having? Should we call it paranoia?

I rethink of it for a dozen of times daily. I ponder, weigh, analyze, solve… what else should I do in order for me to firmly believe that such love exists? I can’t accept it. I do not believe it. Those things I perceive could be folly, that’s why I won’t give in to the emotional attachment and mental connections… but each day it becomes harder to resist it. I gave up the physical part of my entire whole being—the one that’s dubbed to be the “most important thing in the world”—for I believe that is not the thing you are loosing, but it’s more on the emotional prowess that takes you away from yourself. You can lose the physical thing for about a million of times, but when it’s your heart and spirit that you’ll be giving away… that’s another thing. You can always replace the physical attraction, but the other things that go along with it will make you awestricken and give up everything you own (not the song, okay).

It is true that it’s hard to find real answers in the real world. Nobody knows everything and everything knows nobody. Everything can happen to anyone, but anyone cannot happen to have everything. Yes, I will confuse myself and others deeper so that with this confusion, I might be able to shield my inner weakling and appear as another so-so living in this earth—with nothing but my corporal entity as a representative. Oh yes, I admit that I’ve been doing my best to encounter everything starting the day I stepped into college, though it might literally and figuratively kill me someday. At least, I got a taste of things not every 40-year old has… (credits to a certain movie)

Summertime

Perhaps I could say that Summer is the time when people have the tendency to do the MIA or to stop being avid for a while. I have been noticing this for years and it has been noted that this period particularly is where mischievous things happen in my life. I also noticed that during this period, I got the crush overload thingy, where I lust for stars, hot guys, personalities, and even classmates in Summer class at UPD. Okay, so much for that. Right now, I haven’t spotted any cute guy from Political Science, and from STS, it is hard to spot one (imagine, you’re almost 150 students in an auditorium!!).

To make my summers less boring, I go to school and gain some units and learn different fields using my electives (I have 6 units left to use). This year, I picked up Political Science 14 (coming from the “Prof Miranda Trauma” last year, but I’m now more confident after passing under him) and STS (I targeted this since 2007!). STS is my current favorite subject ever, because the topics in the lecture are my interests: Science and Technology with bits of Social Sciences. Ever since I was a child, I fancied studying hardcore sciences like Biotech and all the seemingly impossible things that only science could prove and revoke. I loved the solar system and wondered if there were other “solar systems” with a different sun. Just yesterday, I listened well to Dean Caesar Saloma’s lecture on Science in the broadest sense. I learned new discoveries that are very interesting but not quite useful. Also, I learned that there’s already a 128 GB memory stick (or Flash Drive) that is waterproof and as small as my fingernails! It was so fantastic that my techie side wanted one in my wish list… 

Anyway, Political Science is also my recent like although I suffered and worked hard a lot for it last year (1st sem). Right now, I’m planning to take all the rest of my electives from the Department of Political Science, if I won’t be able to get Psych 142 next sem as an elective. My electives will only come from either Psychology, Sociology or Political Science as decided by me. Tomorrow, the first week of Summer classes is over. I only have 20 days left to spend. I wonder what more interesting things will occur to me for the rest of those 20 days…

Flicker

No, this is not about the site Flickr (yes, less the e, I know) but about the word itself. Flickering light is good to watch, but not at all times. You can’t actually tell if it will eventually light up of not. Or you could be alarmed if it will evolve into a larger fire and eventually burn you up alive.

Tonight, the moon is round. I don’t know if it really is a full moon or just waning gibbous that’s near to the full moon. Me and Shabuchan played underneath the moonlight. The hand sanitizer did not do much help as I try to eliminate Shabutaro’s smell in my fingers. Aw. This is way too harsh.

Anyway, back to my first topic, I was wondering if things like flickering right now would do me any good or help me throughout my life. I am confused in what’s going on around me, so much that I have to stop for some time and analyze what’s really happening. I think I must devote time to reflection and meditation.

And for that conclusion, I will do it now. Ta taa!

Allergic

Gusto ko mang malaman kung bakit pasulpot-sulpot siya e di ko magawa. Palagi nalang akong pinahihirapan nito. Hindi siya mawala-wala kung kailan ko gusto. At kung hindi ko rin siya kailangan (dahil hindi ko naman siya kakailanganin) e nandidiyan lang siya at nakakapit… sa balat ko.

Kainis. Kating-kati na ko. Gusto ko talagang kamutin. Tiningnan ko na ang mahiwagang lalagyan ng abubot pero nang buksan ko ang takip ng bilugang container ay simot na simot na ang laman. Napabuntong-hininga nalang ako at kumamot ako muli.

Ano ba kasi ang nangyari nanaman? May kinain ba ko? Wala namang masamang epekto siguro ang burger sa balat. Ah, oo. Umulan nga pala ngayon. Heto nanaman sa biglang paglamig ng klima—sumulpot nanaman siya. Bwisit talaga sa buhay ko to. Dahil dito, malamang ay hindi na talaga ako magsuot ng mini skirt sa labas ng bahay.

Pag nawala naman siya kasi ay nag-iiwan ng masagwang marka… sa balat ko. Iisang lugar ang pinaglalagyan at pinag-iiwanan niya ng marka. Peklat na hindi na rin maiibsan ng kung anumang whitening solution o cream na ireseta ng Dermatologist. Wala na talagang pag-asa, doon at doon lang din naman siya sumusulpot.

Ganito nalang ba tayo palagi?

Inspired by B

Okay, B, kung mabasa mo man to ay alam mo kung sino ka. Ba... hehe. Di ko na sasabihin, and if ever na magreact ka mas magiging obvious na guilty ka (Nyahaha!). Anyways, since kanina mo pa ko ginising sa mga banat mo ngayong gabi e nainspire rin akong dagdagan ang ever honest Multiply blog ko-- this one kasi has a few masking techniques and kulang nalang talaga na banggitin ko yung names ng mga guys involved dito sa posts ko (they are quite a lot). Bago ko tapusin tong blog post or rather bago ko icontinue, let me clear na yung inspiration ay GALING SA SINULAT NI B and not directly coming from B himself. Oh, hehe baka lagyan ng malisya to. I repeat, hindi ako nainspire dahil kay B as a person (but I'm not telling you all na hindi kainspire-inspire si B. Inspiring kaya ang mga storya ng Fness nya. Oops. I'm telling too much na). Anyways, pinahanga na nga nya ko sa sinulat nya (hands down na) and so I will write my utmost feelings and girly annoyance sentiments na nais kong ipahatid (kundi man directly e indirectly) sa isang taong inakala kong ayun na nga pero in the end, narealize kong wag na nga.

In layman's terms and not in my weird wordplays, I was disappointed. Not by that person, but by the way my reactions go with his actions. Mas malayo, right? Anyway, let me relay this para finally this won't bug me and make me sleep. I will also be posting this in my FS Blog for public discernment (yes, I know, wala talagang paki ang tao sa Multiply ko).
This started way back in February. Midmonth. Sometime before the LR3: BTF (again, let me quote that acronym from B). Let me just tell this in a shortcut manner kasi whenever I try to put this into clearer sentences and phrases, I feel this eerie feeling in my chest. I myself can't understand it. So to protect the two people involved, I won't be mentioning their names (I don't exactly know the other naman eh) nor mention anything that people related or knowing them will easily understand.

Here's how it goes: I was so blinded by someone's PREEMPTIVE DENIALS and so I believed it by about 78% already. Yes, I was so close to giving up everything, every single thing I hold since January of this year. I also planned to fully believe this someone, not until there was a mistake I DID: Guess what, I found out something I shouldn't have. Shouldn't have, meaning MUST NOT also. Shouldn't have because it PROBABLY WOULD and REALLY did make me feel something bad. Something is in the pit of my stomach. And it reacts very badly as time goes by... I managed not to be in the super intriga mode and let it be, because I still had this 78% remaining that time, which lowered to 69.

Days passed by and I was introduced to Facebook apps and the like. I loved it. I became part of almost everything in it. And so was Plurk, I became enslaved to it. So was that someone. And so I browsed timelines and the like. I didn't like what I read. I closed the lid. Okay. So that was something. Something I DID EXPECT, but not at the moment when everything seems smooth. So I tried to procrastinate from the devil me. But still, the bitch inside of me won't let go of it. I tried not minding it by removing it from my Plurk timeline. Didn't work for me. And so, it followed that the earlier incident makes sense. After some time, the timeline was gone. It was also gone in my system. I let it go. I forgot... BUT NOT FOR A LONG TIME.

Just recently, I ran across something in FB that I don't know why I did. Okay, that was malabo, pero I won't clarify to protect identities. Anyway, I was disgusted. My hunches and all the gut feelings made sense again. Ooh. A little of that word. Anyway, I looked it up, and alright I said to myself. This would be another blow. It obviously lowered to 20%. And after some SMS, it decreased more. -49%. Haha. That's interesting. I kinda suggested it anyway. But then denials came by. Flashback. There was also the preemptive one. And so it goes, it happened. What can I do? I was right, but of course it wasn't that sure and accurate. I checked all things and still I can't get away with it. The SMS thingies made my mind turn something like 360 degrees. I would want to forget it. But then, look at me now. I'm back as an insomniac.

The worst thing?

I am back, writing specific implied nonsense for those who do not understand and not related, and simply nothing to those who are not ME. Okay, so this is so confusing. I intentionally did that, and also quite unintentionally, because my mind is as obscure as my OUTPUT: This blogpost. I end this post saying, don't believe even the person that is supposed to be your confidante, and trust your feelings. With feelings, forget the lovey lovey part, and make sure it's the gut one. It works a lot, although it misleads more. Just be like Conan and assure yourself that "Shinjitsu wa itsumo hitotsu!": THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUTH!

Whether the truth is contrary to what I will hear from someone, I don't mind anymore. Still, I stick to my wrong beliefs and jumped at conclusions-- those without ACTUAL are by far more real to me, especially when they have IMPLIED evidences. Weird. Weird. Never mind.

Resurrection

Mahirap ang resurrection lalo na kapag sa isang non-living na bagay. Halimbawa, mga nasirang gadgets gaya ng mobile phone, PC, at iba pa. Kung marestore man ang ilan, hirap namang ibalik ang dati nitong estado. Sabagay, ganun din naman sa tao. Pero, mas masarap ayusin ang gadget kesa sa taong mukha namang walang pag-asa. Anyways, namimiss ko yung dati kong Windows Live Writer kung saan perfect ang layout ng FS blog ko dun. Ngayon, di raw nya madownload yung settings kaya eto, nagtityaga ako sa walang kwentang default layout nya. Kainis. Mamaya ittry ko ulit. Haay naku. Haay naku talaga.

Sige since wala ako sa mood magsulat nang maayos e itutuloy ko nalang ang pagbblog mamaya. WLM muna ko.

Windang

Windang



Ito ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ala-una pasado na't gising pa ako. Alam kong may nararamdaman akong masama sa katawan ko, at ubo pa ko nang ubo.



At eto na nga't sinasayang ko ang oras na dapat ay tulog na ako sa pag-aanalisa kung paano mapapabilis tong bwisit kong Desktop PC. Kung hindi lang siya sentimental e pinaghahampas ko na siguro to ng dos por dos kanina pa...



Naaalala ko noong high school, madalas ito bukas ng gantong oras. Dami kong kachat--sino pa ba edi yung mga nakasama ko rin buong maghapon, yung mga kaklase ko rin. Hindi na kami nagkakasawaan. Biruin mo, sila na kasama mo sa room ng 8 hours, tapos sila rin katext mo pag-uwi at ang mabigat don e kachat mo pa sila hanggang oras nanaman para pumasok? Sobra. At mga mukhang bangag kami pagdating ng classroom.



Anyways, may hinihintay akong importanteng bagay ngayon. At hindi siya biro.



Dapat sana kanina pa siya dumating e. Naiwan pa sa Mega. Haayz. Ito ang sulat ko para sa kanya:



Dear Hazel-PC-Reborn,



Di ko kayang mabuhay nang wala ka. Hindi ko kayang isiping mawawaglit ka ng isang segundo sa tabi ko. Hindi ko rin kaya na wala ang screen mo sa bedside ko. Namimiss ko ang iyong init... ang mistulang heater ko sa malalamig kong gabi... Ang halos magoverheat mong katawan...  (hehe labo!)



Nang iniwan mo ko ng 3 beses, akala ko tuluyan ka nang mang-iiwan. Di pa pala, at heto ka't sinira ko nanaman... I'm so sorry... :( Hindi na kita iinstallan ng mga kung anu-ano basta-basta... Ichecheck ko na rin ang updates mo palagi. Hindi ko na sasagarin ang volume mo. Hindi na rin ako magiinstall ng free antivirus. Sana mapatawad mo ako... *cries*



I MISS YOU, Hazel-PC-Reborn!! waah!



Love,



Hazel





Awat na nga. Mukha na kong tanga. Kulang lang ata talaga ako sa tulog.

The Gate is Closing…

I’ve been missing out a lot of things lately. When I tried to read some of the things I’ve never seen before, my whole world tumbled.

I never expected to see something like that… well, relatively, it’s on a page about it. Something like this. A Blog.

Just yesterday and earlier, I noted that it’s a small world, after all. I was in a happy ecstatic mode since yesterday’s Friday the 13th. I kinda had an over-all of a nice day without any loopholes. But then today…

How long has it been? Almost a year? Was that something worth remembering? Yes, indeed.

I guess I should still go with them if there would be something next week. A smile or two, then I’ll just walk away. I just could not believe that what happened yesterday will be today’s end.

I shouldn’t have had false hopes and all.

After all, who is the one unavailable between us? I so could totally agree with my conscience…

There’s a lot of things that we can have, and those that we can’t. Either way, we should stick to those we already have.

Rekindling

I did this, I did that. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. All I know is that I enjoy the present that much. But still, there’s not a thing that I did that really filled up the emptiness and erased the thoughts that continue to linger in my subconscious and conscious being: I am not really happy.

You might wonder why I’ve come up to this statement when you see me laughing, smiling, having the fun things in life, enjoying, receiving many things from others, benefiting from others’ pains, getting more and more of the things I want and I desired, and finally having most of the things anyone would wish for. Just like this sentence, my emotional well-being is not as briefly stated as it should be, since it really is on a platform balance right now—tipped to the left. It’s more on the negating feelings of loneliness where I should not be inclined to. Everything just seems to be topsy-turvy in my POV, but in fact, they all run smoothly. I don’t feel anything has increased nor matured in my life. It’s not easy always having the instinct to think of other things beyond what they appear to be—thinking outside the box.

This “BOX” where I am situated and unable to move forward still locks me, but my mind already went ahead and had gone too far: without me knowing if it is really true or not. This thinking beyond stimulates a good environment for innovation, but hinders the enjoyment of present situations. Whether the thinking outcome is good or is totally bad, it will affect me and my mindset. It’s like I would prefer to think of good things that are outside the world I am in rather than what I currently experience—thinking of the worst scenarios that could be or would be happening. It’s a bad habit, I tell you. You would be constantly stressed of things you don’t need to be stressful of. It’s like a gift, but then it’s a curse as well. I don’t know how to get rid of it completely, and though I want to remove it, whenever I am right I don’t want to change.

I really want to change my perspective of the things and facts around me. If not today, maybe tomorrow… or till I finally get a hold of my fears.

Busy?

It’s been days since I last updated my blog. What have I been doing for the past few days is a big SECRET. I’ve been involving myself in a lot of things lately that is why I almost neglected my best friend—my blog. :)

It has been rather stressful during the last week. As the finals week comes closer, I would want to involve more in acads than what I’ve always been doing. Besides, I found out that the rather stressing things in my life are the things that go around in the net: all those things I read, see, and perceive here make me think a lot about trivial things. They make me feel bad, and so when I think of other outcomes that could happen since I don’t know everything that happens when I leave the desk… they haunt my conscious and unconscious thinking. I’d rather be alone without checking my mail, kenchan YM, Plurk and other social networks (but FB) than checking every single detail those people post in their Plurks and YM status messages.

I realize I don’t really need to know everything that occurs to the people I know through net. It is still better to have the personal interaction (although the net creates a lot of uncertainties since you don’t know what’s really behind the letters and the screen itself). than to base everything in net talk. I know both net and personal could be manipulated, but in the personal interaction you get to have the edge than that person you are engaged with in a conversation. It is easy to see the intention through simple situational tests you can put into action with that person.

This technique involves good powers of observation and of course the sense and sensibility to the things that revolve between your subject and you.

I tried it a lot of times and still, I’m confused in the state where I am in.

I don’t think I could continue it. :) I better steer away from negative thoughts, anyway.

Happiness

English title, pero Filipino content. Bakit ganon, kung ano yung malayo sa’yo, at kung ano yung hindi pwede, dun ka pa mas masaya. Haha. Ewan ko lang ha, pero nawe-weirdohan parin ako kasi hanggang ngayon kung saan saan ako naghahanap ng kaligayahan. Nandiyan lang pala. Haha, ika nga e it’s unexpected.

Pero sobrang labo nito, gaya ng pagkalabo ng maraming bagay. Okay. So sabi ko kanina di nalang ako magbabasa. E di ko naman mapigilan. Tapos yon, weird ulet ng feeling. Buti nga okay pa ko e. Tapos inisip ko lang yon, natuwa naman ako nang todo. Haha. Parang kailan lang sabi kong ano. Ganyan. Haha. Isang tao lang makakaintindi nito e, kahit nga siya di nya gets. Siyempre masagwa. Bigla tuloy tumugtog sa isip ko yung isang kantang nasa playlist ko na for years. Bagay ulet. Bagay.

Ahaha. Sabi ko na nga ba sa sarili kong sinabi ko na yan dati e. Bakit kasi sinabi ko na nga e di ko pa sinabihan ulit ang sarili ko na manahimik nalang? Uy, talking about ambiguity is annoying. Haha. Well sorry I love ambiguity and the like, gaya ng vagueness at blurriness. Hui magkakaiba yun ah. Haha. Kalimutan na nga yan. Miss ko na tong blog, at yon. Haha. Puro haha, di naman masaya :| anu kaya yon?

Oo na sige na wag ka nang magulo. Tumigil ka na diyan at baka kung ano pa magawa ko… pero take note, mas matino na ko compared before. Wait… di pala. Mas tanga. Haha. Sorry naman!

Inignore kita noon. Kaya ko pa rin yon no. Tignan mo lang haha. Baha na kung baha. Sabaw na kung sabaw. Lahat na, tirahin mo. Joke kamo? Joke mukha mo. Haha. Woot. Hehe.

Pero seryoso, namiss din kita.

Oo nga. Nakakapanghinayang to. Too late. Too late. Kahit sabihin mo pa yan ngayon, wala na nga. Wala na. Wala. Wala. Wala, wala, wala! Wla na kong nararamdaman. Hmp. Next time na mag-usap ulit tayo, sige, I’ll try not to avoid you. Pero eto lang masasabi ko… sana get lost. Haha. Bakit kasi ngayon lang e no. Tch, pagkatapos ng lahat… ganyan pa.

*di mo naman to mababasa e*

*sarap maglabas ng sama ng loob sa blog*

MALI!

Haha, ano ba yan. Sa lahat ng masesend, at ng masesendan, sa kanya pa.

Haay. Wah. Anu nalang yon. :(

Haay kakahiya.

Haay.

Haaaay…

Crescendo

I just checked some comment on my Facebook. Len is my primary photo, and I’m proud of it :) Anyone could be his fan. Who couldn’t resist his charm?

Anyway, this post is not about Len, nor La Corda D’oro ~Primo passo~. It’s about the word itself in the title—crescendo. I tried to recall my music lessons, or something that would remind me of its meaning, but I couldn’t relate anything to it but the crescent. So I decided to google it. Lol.

And so I came up with the meaning about peak, climax, and intensity. So there it went, I thought of all other things that I could associate to it. I can’t think of anything but the song! The first lines reverberate in my head.

ichibyou goto ni kimi ga ITOSHIIzutto... mune no kodou ga hibiite irufutari de aruku kaerimichi futo damarikomubukiyou de tsutaerarenai omoi

And so there it went. I still couldn’t think of anything properly, thanks to these past few days. Ignore mantra shall be done. Thanks for the reminder. And so the mantra goes along with the song…

 

Drowning, Tormented, What?!

Do you know what it’s like to drown? I don’t. Well, sort of.

Okay. So I’m so not in the mood to write something as good as the papers which were graded 1, but let me be this time. I need to write to relieve this eerie feeling.

Did I cry? Oh come on, I DIDN’T!! You’re lying.

:(

I so wanna scream.

What?

Did I just say that?

Tell-All? Not Quite.

I returned to our house only to know that I need to raise the white flag, or the SOS flag, or anything that I need to do to ah… forget it. Erase. Okay, so I went home, got struck by something, realized I did wrong things, and also decided that it’s not worth my time. I tried the ignore mantra taught to me but it didn’t work out. So I started exploring Facebook and Plurk, and it alleviated my unusual heavy feeling and that. I saw many interesting things there, and also in Plurked I could use Japanese characters already. Wow. I used chrome and was delighted to be able to use the Java uploader for Facebook. Ah, wait. THIS IS ALL IRRELEVANT TO WHAT I WANTED TO SAAAY!! Anyway, sort of relevant. Teeny bit. A little. Just like that. Yes.

I wanted to punch something and strangle anything but it will help me more if it were a human or a living thing. God, I feel so stupid. Or maybe I should say that I did not start this. I want to clear myself. It all started long ago in 2007. Ah, great. Now I’m talking of nonsense that’s sooo irrelevant now. This one is.

I still feel bad when I look into my PC. God, I wanna fly away and escape. Or maybe turn back time and delete everything that would remind me of… argh. This is all meaningless. I hate myself.