Remorse

 

I read a lot of things lately regarding what I have done and said before. Sometimes, my mind goes crazy again and I'll get in a fit of anger towards him and at times I would be glad it is over between us. Another thing inside of me triggered by romantic emo songs and other memories makes me feel sad and weary for doing everything that had made him quite the abnormal guy I always imagined that he was. With these conflicting ideas in me, I cannot think which one is the right one. I know I need guidance, signs, and whatsoever help from up above or down here on earth.

When I go back to the things that had made me dislike him, I grow nearly impatient and possessive. It's as if I wanna lock his world into mine, preventing him to grow along with others and let him revolve in my world. I have said to him long ago that I tend to be as selfish as that, that I wouldn't be any help for his personal growth because eventually I'll suck him to my circle and he'll realize how I crave and get so much of his attention and everything. He assured me that he doesn't care and all, but now: look at what he's become. Isn't it too much? Sometimes I tell myself that this is what I aimed for at the beginning: that I would want him to suffer as much as what I've experienced before. Again, my humane side fights back and also some of the Christian values they've inculcated in me works out: that is sooo wrong.

I have no idea. But something's gonna work out for us, right?

I Don't Know. [Originally Posted at Multiply]

Really now, I really feel that I'm being tricked and derided

[deride

Verb

[-riding, -rided] to speak of or treat with contempt or ridicule [Latin deridere to laugh to scorn]

derision n
Collins Essential English Dictionary
2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006]

by someone. It's as if this whole crappy thing I was planning before backfired and led me to an emotional psychopathic torture played by this certain someone. It sucks, well for the fact that I wasn't that trained to counter emotional torture and of course, add the fact that I was aimlessly blamed by my yet another annoying housemate stating that basically everything that had occurred was my fault. To begin with, and honestly, I went through that lowly state before and look at me now: I'm back to what I used to be.

It seemed like right now, again, I was mainly the object of blame and of course, my usual scapegoat role in the societal group called Family emerged once more. I have always hated this normality but then again, I have no right to remain vocal about that matter. I just have to continuously adapt and burn my remaining ounces of patience with the burning fire of annoyance and or aggravation. It's always the ME part, and the ME part involves cynicism, skepticism, harsh critique, and you-are-the-worst remarks. I'm pretty much acquainted with that.

So then thinking of this would really matter to me. Besides, I need some sorts of reflections in order for me to apply the theories discussed at our Ethics and Accountability class and also at the Sikolohiyang Pilipino class. I don't care if I'm being too engrossed with Acads to infiltrate it in my daily activities, but that is my notion of Praxis in my life. Thanks to Dean Brillantes, I learned that concept and now I'm trying to apply it for my own use (in my own arguments).

Again, this event or rather those events got me confused. I really don't know.

Underling

self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)

noun

one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

 

There was such a time in my life when I thought I was this worthless: a worthless piece of shit existing just to please two ningens living with it just to satisfy societal and human conditions—in order to survive barely with its coexistent stuffs altogether living in a bare house of stone designed chiefly to torture this piece of shit—coexisting with other ningens who deem themselves “HIGH AND MIGHTY” and the “CREAM OF THE CROP” among all worthless institutions of the so-called “learning and knowledge” in the great country of the losers… in short, I thought of my existence in UP Diliman as quite demeaning, common, and therefore mediocre. Not until I came to NCPAG and have met all other SEEMINGLY (yes, this word changes the context) worthless people from Engineering and other UP Diliman Colleges like myself (I won’t care mentioning them).

True enough, being in NCPAG made me realize my actual worth (there really is some worth in me, so try figuring this out, dupes.) as a person and even as a single entity belonging to my parents’ assets (I could be a great one now that I know it). I could create something from this nonsense earthly existence we all have as of this moment. Of course, it would be more until I graduate from this freakin’ high and mighty institution. Right, thanks to this school, I got my first boring job and got lots of annoying phone calls from Call Center companies that have added to my existing (and increasing) self-worth that I’ve sort of lost… all because of several people from my High School.

Right now, I would want these people to come and take a look at me and finally realize whom they have been messing with: now then, tell me who among us is by far the LUCKIEST? I always thought you were more superior than I am, more attractive, more talented, more KNOWLEDGEABLE, more sociable, MORE, MORE, MORE—all that I really was before. I really wondered what made me think I was this useless in front of you yet even when I was not in your school, I had all the glory I could ever had. It’s time that I rant these because you’ve taken so much from me psychologically: It’s time for me to RANT and HAIL myself worthy of whatever shit I should have gotten before.

Hey, look now. Who got into the so-called premier university? Who’s about to kick all your sorry asses in the future? Come on. I hope you get the message. Yes, I have the bragging rights from the very start. YES, I AM CONCEITED. Yeah right, yeah right. Get mad. Now do it. All is said and done, but I would want my vengeance to take over now. In a few month’s time, I’ll really stick to what I’ve planned. Gratitude is out of the question. Friendship is erased in the picture. I’ve found BETTER people in my current school and I think they would influence me better than what you did to me. Oh yes, get mad at me. Raise all your furies hiding from within… I would love that.

I was really a loser back then—because I spent time with you. I really know it, and I admit it.

Glamorous Days

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

akehanashita mado ni mawaru ranbu no DEEP SKY
AH aoide...

Boisterous dance by the opened window DEEP SKY
AH look up the sky

"kurikaesu hibi ni nan no imi ga aru no?"
AH sakende...
tobidasu GO
hakitsubushita ROCKING SHOES
haneageru PUDDLE
flash back
kimi wa CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

"what is the point of repeated days?"
AH scream
and run. GO
torn ROCKING SHOES
jumping PUDDLE
Flash back
you are CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

"akewatashita ai ni nan no kachi mo nai no?"
AH nageite...
hakidasu GO
nomihoshite ROCK N'ROLL
iki agaru BATTLE
flash back
kimi no FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

"There is no values on given up love?"
AH regret
and vomit GO
All drunken ROCK N'ROLL
spirit up BATTLE
FURASSHUBAKKU
your FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

ano hoshi wo atsumete  kono mune ni kazaritai
ano yume wo tsunaide  futari odotta GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
nemurenai yo!

I want to collect those stars and decorate this heart
Connecting the dreams, we both danced GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
I can't sleep!

SUNDAY MONDAY
inazuma TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
yukibana... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
nanairo EVERYDAY
yamikumo kieru FULL MOON
kotaete  boku no koe ni

SUNDAY MONDAY
stormy TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
snowflower... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
seven colors EVERYDAY
the dark clouds disappeared. FULL MOON
Answer to my voice.

ano kumo wo haratte  kimi no mirai terashitai
kono yume wo kakaete  hitori aruku yo GLORIOUS DAYS

I want to erase that cloud and enlighten your future
Embracing this dream, I'll walk alone GLORIOUS DAYS

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

GLAMOROUS SKY...

GLAMOROUS SKY...

Translated and transliterated by busbuddy

Personally this song has been my movie OST favorite until Reira entered and stole the scene. Owaranai Story just got my heart swayed—that was when I thought of love as something sacred or something to cherish. But then it isn’t the actual thing. I was blinded by those times. Anyway, this song isn’t the main theme of this post. I just added it since it’s my current ALSS [Auto Last Song Syndrome, heard from nowhere but from the insides of my brain transmitted to my vocal cords, etc.]

I would really want to create a blog post about UP’s miraculous win which sort of disappointed me. However, when these eerie feelings came by to visit me again, I couldn’t help but write about it. Another rant slash implied post was therefore set to be published.

I cannot define what’s real and what’s not. Yeah, many blurbs of the people around me kind of point out to the one same thing the other is implying. Who cares then? Should I listen? I don’t really think it’s needed. Should I believe? I won’t listen so why would I analyze it? By the way it is being repeated in my ear for the last 30 days already. I digressed. I would not want it to remain in my long-term memory…

As much as I would want to elaborate that, I really find it hard to be fed into my mind. I mean, come on. My mind is cluttered and has been cluttered since the beginning of time. And to add some nonsense this-and-that would make it more cluttered and unorganized, losing some important space for something more productive. I really do not want to believe, because seeing is believing. Faith do not apply so much on me for I seek the evidences and not “trust” the yet unknown things. Besides, I rely too much on my gut feeling that I would not want to at least attempt to do the things I already have done—I’ve dealt with losses because of believing waaay back in my life’s early stages.

He couldn’t blame me. We both know the fact that my mindset is fixed. Once something has been settled, I wouldn’t mind digging it, but the resolve has already been done and decided. No matter how much it costs him or how much time will be lost because of my disbelief, or how many lives could practically be ruined because of my will, I wouldn’t risk being hurt again. Plain immature thinking. It is rather logical, since the argument here is that, why hurt yourself again if you’ve been hurt by that same thing for a thousand times? My logic is contorted. Right, I know.

If most people find my decision stupid and not worth living up to this moment, then fine, think of it that way. As long as the two words that matter to me are existing, I could still endure everything. Definitely it’s stupid and non-Christian. Whatever to that. Patience is a virtue, as they say. But I think endurance is coupled with patience in order for it to take its full effect. That one thing could be found in that person, but I guess all the wordplays and all the redundancies must’ve made me sick and tired already… not to mention bored.

He would want me to think of everything as part of the recent past that is yet to be forgotten and buried somewhere else, and to be reclaimed by tons of new physical interaction and lots of the so-called emotional attachment. Kinda good to hear, those lines like “let’s throw the past away and leave it all behind”, “we’ll do more good memories and it will bury every bad thing in the past”, and so on, and so forth.

How come I would want to believe him somehow yet my gut feel strictly tells me it’s something I shouldn’t settle amicably?

Probably my plans will just have to push through. I don’t care whether repercussions are the worst, or if Karma down hits me. Bring it on.

I’m Still Alive!

Originally Posted at Multiply

I am still in the hype of my accident yesterday. Ooh that was the finest thing that ever occurred to me in my almost 20 years of existence. It was my first vehicular accident, all alone by myself. And I survived dramatically. Kidding. It didn't hurt that much anyway, and I still got the chance to be a cam whore while at the hospital. Believe me, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. :)
I was randomly walking (not really) to my next class (at 10 am) walking along Magsaysay St. near Ylanan Gym--and that's the fastest way to NCPAG. Suddenly, out of nowhere (not nowhere okay behind me) a motorcycle came rushing and beeping to the last minute. I didn't know the next events, but I realized I was down at the asphalt road, and the BLAG was my head. I got up instantly and looked around me. It all looked bleak and sepia-ish. Whatever. I saw a man and a woman hurrying to me and assisting me to the roadside, making me sit down and analyze what has happened. Oh yes, I had an accident. 

Anyway, that happened too fast. The next thing was I was at the UP Health Service (Infirmary) beside SC and I already had texted my mom and boyfriend about what happened to me. Ooh and they hurried up to rush to the ER to see me lying in one of the beds succumbed to nothing. :)) 

Upon arriving, my parents had arranged the whatsoevers with the UPD Police (thanks to them for the blotter report). They decided to bring me to The Medical City at Ortigas and together with my boyfriend, mom went to Prof Cuaresma to tell her that I can't come to class that day.

The ER people at TMC were so kind to assist me and bring me there immediately to have my X-ray and all. And so is my boyfriend who was with me the entire time. I didn't feel pain because he was there, duh. :))

I wanted to get myself some souvenirs for my first time at the hospital in an accident involving myself, so I asked the radiologist to take a picture of me while I was wearing the hospital gown and all. :D 

So there, I didn't look much of someone who had an accident that was grave or whatsoever. :) I was sorta hyped with what happened to me. I didn't get any trauma of Motorcycles but took this experience as a lesson for me: DO NOT BE STUPID WHILE AT ROADS OR PUBLIC PLACES!!
I end this blog post telling everyone my thanks for their concern and get-well-soon-wishes for me. :) I can now go to school tomorrow. The x-ray results say that nothing in my bones and skull were fractured and damaged. Just the muscular pain due to the impact of the epic fail. :))

Undefined

I’m writing tonight because I cannot sleep. I also can’t cry my eyes out anymore. Somehow, there seems to be only a few tears left to fall. Tomorrow, maybe my eyes will go Chinese again, but I don’t care. If these would be the last tears I ought to cry before I leave the rest to God, then it should be.

I haven’t thought of the faith journey speeches and the impacts of God on people on our church before that much. I usually listen and hear of them losing loved ones, telling of the trials, and of their childhood—yes, I’m interested, but I do not internalize the message. That maybe is because although I regularly attend to and exchange witty comments on our Wednesday Bible Study every two weeks, I really don’t have that strong Christian faith most of them have. Personally, I know that I might be some sort of an agnostic and a half, or maybe a quarter of an atheist or whatever unimaginable mix it could be. I knew doctrines and historical accounts of the Catholic and Protestant church, but they just battle in my head making my faith drop down to almost absolute zero.

And if there was someone who constantly reminds me to trust in God and all those faith-related stuff, that would be my dad. Ever since I was a kid, he taught me about that—stories on how he got into Engineering with God’s guidance and passed the Board Exam because of Him—still  it didn’t become part of my regular mindset. Yes, I pray, but only to get my caprices and thanks to God I got a truckload of presents that are quite expensive yearly. Now as I get older, I realize what he has been telling me all along: everything comes freely from Him. That I could not contest, since I’ve lived a happy yet dramatic life because I’m a Drama Queen without any reason to be dramatic. I always get what I want since I was little. Maybe I’m fit to be called a spoiled brat after all.

This time, God cannot give me something I need. I know I always asked from Him sorts of things like straight A’s, line of 9’s, gadgets, and other material stuff or ego boosting sorts of things, but when I ask of something really priceless, obviously it won’t go my way now. I won’t blame Him for that. I’ve asked for too much. If I could have it, then I would be the luckiest girl on earth, not to mention the happiest. But I’ve lost hope already. Maybe it’s just right to leave it all that way. Maybe it’s really my dad’s time to leave me. Maybe it’s about time I learn to keep important people in my priority list. Maybe it’s the right opportunity for me to wake up and realize what I should be and what I could be… or maybe I should fix my values and redefine myself… whatever. My concern here is not to be the best daughter, but to be the best failure who got up and redeemed herself.

If this post should be called an oath, I bet this would be the worst I’ve promised. I cannot state how sorry or regretful I am for the path I took right after passing the entrance exam—including all the 5’s and the INC’s and the 4’s I garnered throughout my boring 3 and a half years in college. It’s time to settle to the greater side of things. I think he would be happier to leave me when I become at least upright in the final stages of my teen life. I hated myself before, and now I think it would be best to love 'myself’ again… hoping it would do me something good.

He always wished and hoped and planned everything for my future, for me to live a full and happy life while he’s around or not. From that, I will definitely do my share of the labor.

I don’t know how to deal with every obstacle, but I think I’ll be stronger than my tougher side now. And I’m doing this for myself, just as you would want me to.

Omokage- Reminiscence

Main Entry:

rem·i·nis·cence

Pronunciation:

\-ˈni-s^ən(t)s\

Function:

noun

Date:

1589

1: apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence

2 a: recall to mind of a long-forgotten experience or fact b: the process or practice of thinking or telling about past experiences

3 a: a remembered experience b: an account of a memorable experience —often used in plural4: something so like another as to be regarded as an unconscious repetition, imitation, or survival

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reminiscence

 

 

It’s not about that word. It’s about this song, and it has suddenly came out from reading two words from somewhere in the net: true north. The song is entitled Omokage and this was Shaman King’s second ending song. My mind has been filled by anime and anime alone for the second half of my current existence—meaning since I reached the age of 10 or 11. From that period of time, many animes dominated my existence—to the point that it became my defining ‘characteristic’ up to this time.

One of the most popular defining anime was Shaman King, the anime that started my fanfiction.net career (if that’s how we term it). It was that time when I transferred to a new school, and everything was new. Shaman King was aired and became the reason that I rush out of II-OL Rosary’s classroom every afternoon, the reason why I became close friends with Katrina and Loren, and the reason why my desk was filled with vandals of ヨウ beneath the plastic cover and all the rest of fangirlish stuffs I was in to during 2nd year high school.

I liked everything about Shaman King, although now, as I look back, it’s not really an admirable plot to begin with. It is finally plain in my sight now. The greatness about Yoh Asakura has been trampled by Uchiha Sasuke, and now, by several living guys in my age group. But what remained in my memory was this song, this one rendered by Megumi Hayashibara as Kyouyama Anna’s seiyuu:

 

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

kagami ni utsuru yokogao ni
kimi o kasanete
My heart is breaking.
surinuketeyuku kaze no you ni
tsukami kirenai
Why is it you?

at the side view of the face reflected in the mirror
I place you over it and
my heart is breaking
like the passing wind
I can't catch it
why is it you?

todoku koto no nai yubisaki
hitori ni giri shimeteru
kawasu koto no nai kotoba o
yozora no hoshi ni nagashi

the finger tips that will never reach
I hold them alone
the words that will never be exchanged are
drifted into the stars in the night sky

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
I made up my mind.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
I made up my mind

nani mo iwanai kuchibiru no
oku de kanjiru
You are my true north.
kimi no koe o kizandeiru
kotoba ijou ni
I know enough.

the lips that will never say anything
I feel it deep within
you are my true north
leaving your voice
more than words
I know enough

aishiteru to tsubuyaku yori
kitto kokoro ga yureru
koishiteru to tsutaeru yori
kizuna ga fukaku natte

instead of whispering that you love me
my heart is probably swaying
instead of saying you're in love
the relationship gets deeper

ima hitori ja nai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I'm not alone now
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

Transliterated by P Whalan pdwhalan@bigpond.net.au>

Translated by mink309


http://minknokobeya.wordpress.com/

 

It wasn’t for the tune that I was hooked in this song, but at the time I was writing Shaman King fanfics, I somewhat associated this song to Kyouyama Anna. If there was one female anime character I could closely relate myself with, it must be her (besides Tsukamoto Tenma).

Since Shaman King wave has long gone and I’ve parted ways with the “addicts” we were before, it might seem easier to forget this. But still, the melody lingers in my head as if it was only now that I’m hearing it for the first time.