Destiny, Fate, Whatever.

There were times that I would just want to believe that such things exist: you know, the common chick flick endings or some plot beginners for lots of romance drama genre anime or Korean Drama. They all end up happily—the ending always becomes the first catchy coupling in the story gets to be tied by that certain bond they termed in many different ways. Yes, that includes the destiny stuff.

I know I could not rely on that from the very start of my first relationship. I would want to think of it that way, but what actually happened was I relied too much on destiny during my first years of puberty, and it just so happened that the actual relationship made me feel not to believe eventually on it. I used to be the type of girl who knows that the story of this and that has a correlation of this and that in my then life. Ah, how pathetic for me to rely on that theory that really doesn’t make sense to me right now. I mean it rarely applies, and yeah, I am open to the possibility of its application in my life.

I hated lots of instances that made me believe in destiny and that of fate. There were times something was almost there yet I didn’t grab the chance, and of course the traditional (more traditional) destiny made it either too tragic or too sappy for me and here I am ending miserably. Both of those instances get to me, and that is not the reason why I don’t want to believe in destiny. It is because when it seems to have locked you in place in preparation of what’s destined to happen, it appears that you’ll have to realize how worthless your so-called destined life is and how it sucks to be directed by that unknown red string tied to you and to someone else and yes the rest is cliché. You would want to get out of your life now, and hope for the other unrealistic chance encounters that would make you firmly believe that the next encounter would not be destiny: but CHOICE. Therefore, the theory that we pick the ones we should love appears, and then it’s all about the reality, the ROI’s, the must-be-this-and-that kind of thinking. That is how I look at it in my perspective, and it is not beneficial to me or to anyone else.

I like it when I read the horoscope compatibility. It goes to what I would want destiny to become. Here’s not the catch. I would want to say the cliché and overused phrase: I’ll create my own destiny.

September!!

It’s funny when I just knew that something had occurred to me when seemingly I’m without my consciousness. Oh yeah, right now I think I might be succumbed to the F mania as I spend my sem-ender days idly. But wait, I’m having a lot of fun right now, so the F’s doesn’t matter to me anymore!

Aside from the downside yet happy “upside”, I’m currently pursuing stuffs like applying in an academic organization (CIRCA) and of course having extended my social life like there is no tomorrow. I’m also beginning to date the normal way (this is quite a complicated thing to state here) with the same guy back to the old ways.

Anyway, since I’m hyped by the new month and I’m hyped by the subsequent movie watching I’ve been doing the whole of August and start of September, I will just tell of the bad things I predicted (and also that is for me to be reminded of what I should be doing!).

Of course, there are 3 oral presentations to be accomplished, two for major subjects and the other for Psych. These will be presented in class, so it must be done effectively. The Psych report has no problems, although I’m REALLY bothered by the Ethics class report (bear with me because I have a group mate who is thrice as bum as I am). The Psych would be done first, on the 10th while the Ethics would be on the 22nd. The Land Use Planning report would be on the 23rd and this bothers me as well, because I haven’t been going to 191 class for about 5 consecutive meetings (uh-oh).

September is also field trip month, that is why I’m having 2 field trips on the same week. On the 7th, we’re going to the Ombudsman for Ethics class and on the 9th, we’re going to NAMRIA for Land Administration class.

September is the DANCING IN SEPTEMBER month (obviously!) so I’m thinking of watching it (if my PE is still working after missing out on 10+ UAAP games :|). Anyway, I don’t think it would work out, so I’ll skip this event and wait for my grade of 5 in PE and attend BELLYDANCING classes next semester (booyeah!)

Papers, on the other hand, had been haunting me for days. I have 2 papers for my 191 and another for 142, a Newsletter for Psych, and of course my SLO assessment paper. Oh, the drama. 191 is just the thing that’s hard to accomplish.

Home works are too many for me, but I haven’t been doing the Accounting ones. Oh right. I am to fail Accounting this year again. :P Yay for third take! Econ home works are group thingies, that is why I’m not worried (thanks to the younger group mate who does the maths and stats and for the diligent graduating group mate who takes care of the paperwork).

Let me not forget about the 4’s I’m about to clear: Stat 101—> the long forgotten 4 and expiring this sem, PA 113—> still has time for it, PA 121—> could be cleared any time of the year. And of course, the exams that are about to occur: Accounting and Econ :D

Lastly, my org application stuff: I would start memorizing the preamble of the CIRCA consti, raise money for the IGP, find my missing tambay card (pfft! But then they know I tambay an awful lot), and of course accomplish the sigsheet. Worry for the FR later :D

I never thought September would be the busiest. But I never thought of it that way. September is my FUN month :)

Pain

 

I know that this might be the stupidest thing I might have thought of. But then again, whenever I thought of any happy end or something with him, I really suck and I began to cry aimlessly. If it has to be this dramatic, I might have thought of it in a hopeless romantic manner that I really do not want to leave his side.

However, the thoughts of both having him and losing him must've mixed in my brain in a twisted manner: it's as if both are all one and the same in my mind. It's damn freaking annoying because this time I'm sure I'm feeling something other than the so-called infatuation among the females of my kind. If this would be the worst possible torture I'll ever have in my poor life, then this should be it.

Honestly, when I am with this person, I really would have to admire him all over again--all those crushing moments come back to me as if they were just there hidden in me somewhere. If I began analyzing how I really feel and weigh other options, I began crying like there's no tomorrow. It's like all those chick flicks have sunk in my mind, and all of the stuffs so cheesy and obviously just to flatter he's been stuffing my midget thinking had began to infiltrate my frail human emotions. If it wasn't for my rational thinking, I might have fallen under his spell.

God, this is so agonizing for me. It's too hard to maintain my cool exterior: the unfeeling, carefree, and other images I send off using my so-called "acting skills". I mastered the art of fooling someone in a short period of time yet stating "half-truths" that would probably make it quite real. I really have felt this thing called love maybe.

I just wouldn't want to comprehend since it seems folly at the same time so real… as if the fantasies as wild as I just thought for my fiction just popped out from the pages of the text I've written before. Scary, exciting, painful, worth looking out for… those words must fit the description of what I have been actually feeling. I love the sense of adventure and secrecy, and the fun of hiding such hideous and lustful acts we're doing to each other. I know that most people around us doesn't find that abnormal or doubtful since they are apathetic, or most likely uncaring for what's been happening around me. My parents, for instance, finally knew from me that their hunches were right, and now seemed to be as if they cared less about what I do.

Personally, I'm still concerned with the great girl image I've built through time, and my wild escapades with this young man doesn't seem to be creditable for my said "prim and proper" behavior. One by one, I'm unleashing all the bitchiness I've been showing off little by little through time .If not because of the new environment: the more accepting, without norms, and seemingly sacrilegious school I am in, I might've not existed for the past 3 years.

I was thinking of having some sort of confession to this certain someone but I can't get myself nor put myself into saying those words right in front of his face without much hesitation or humor. As I've thought to myself before, I really knew deep inside how I feel but then my fears would resurface and my time might be few--or I might run out of chances to say it once and for all. God. I hate it when I have to lie and mask in front of him when all I wanted to say is "I love you". Pfft. When I think of this, I find myself cheesier than him (or at least what he projects when he wants to fuck me).

Remorse

 

I read a lot of things lately regarding what I have done and said before. Sometimes, my mind goes crazy again and I'll get in a fit of anger towards him and at times I would be glad it is over between us. Another thing inside of me triggered by romantic emo songs and other memories makes me feel sad and weary for doing everything that had made him quite the abnormal guy I always imagined that he was. With these conflicting ideas in me, I cannot think which one is the right one. I know I need guidance, signs, and whatsoever help from up above or down here on earth.

When I go back to the things that had made me dislike him, I grow nearly impatient and possessive. It's as if I wanna lock his world into mine, preventing him to grow along with others and let him revolve in my world. I have said to him long ago that I tend to be as selfish as that, that I wouldn't be any help for his personal growth because eventually I'll suck him to my circle and he'll realize how I crave and get so much of his attention and everything. He assured me that he doesn't care and all, but now: look at what he's become. Isn't it too much? Sometimes I tell myself that this is what I aimed for at the beginning: that I would want him to suffer as much as what I've experienced before. Again, my humane side fights back and also some of the Christian values they've inculcated in me works out: that is sooo wrong.

I have no idea. But something's gonna work out for us, right?

I Don't Know. [Originally Posted at Multiply]

Really now, I really feel that I'm being tricked and derided

[deride

Verb

[-riding, -rided] to speak of or treat with contempt or ridicule [Latin deridere to laugh to scorn]

derision n
Collins Essential English Dictionary
2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006]

by someone. It's as if this whole crappy thing I was planning before backfired and led me to an emotional psychopathic torture played by this certain someone. It sucks, well for the fact that I wasn't that trained to counter emotional torture and of course, add the fact that I was aimlessly blamed by my yet another annoying housemate stating that basically everything that had occurred was my fault. To begin with, and honestly, I went through that lowly state before and look at me now: I'm back to what I used to be.

It seemed like right now, again, I was mainly the object of blame and of course, my usual scapegoat role in the societal group called Family emerged once more. I have always hated this normality but then again, I have no right to remain vocal about that matter. I just have to continuously adapt and burn my remaining ounces of patience with the burning fire of annoyance and or aggravation. It's always the ME part, and the ME part involves cynicism, skepticism, harsh critique, and you-are-the-worst remarks. I'm pretty much acquainted with that.

So then thinking of this would really matter to me. Besides, I need some sorts of reflections in order for me to apply the theories discussed at our Ethics and Accountability class and also at the Sikolohiyang Pilipino class. I don't care if I'm being too engrossed with Acads to infiltrate it in my daily activities, but that is my notion of Praxis in my life. Thanks to Dean Brillantes, I learned that concept and now I'm trying to apply it for my own use (in my own arguments).

Again, this event or rather those events got me confused. I really don't know.

Underling

self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)

noun

one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

 

There was such a time in my life when I thought I was this worthless: a worthless piece of shit existing just to please two ningens living with it just to satisfy societal and human conditions—in order to survive barely with its coexistent stuffs altogether living in a bare house of stone designed chiefly to torture this piece of shit—coexisting with other ningens who deem themselves “HIGH AND MIGHTY” and the “CREAM OF THE CROP” among all worthless institutions of the so-called “learning and knowledge” in the great country of the losers… in short, I thought of my existence in UP Diliman as quite demeaning, common, and therefore mediocre. Not until I came to NCPAG and have met all other SEEMINGLY (yes, this word changes the context) worthless people from Engineering and other UP Diliman Colleges like myself (I won’t care mentioning them).

True enough, being in NCPAG made me realize my actual worth (there really is some worth in me, so try figuring this out, dupes.) as a person and even as a single entity belonging to my parents’ assets (I could be a great one now that I know it). I could create something from this nonsense earthly existence we all have as of this moment. Of course, it would be more until I graduate from this freakin’ high and mighty institution. Right, thanks to this school, I got my first boring job and got lots of annoying phone calls from Call Center companies that have added to my existing (and increasing) self-worth that I’ve sort of lost… all because of several people from my High School.

Right now, I would want these people to come and take a look at me and finally realize whom they have been messing with: now then, tell me who among us is by far the LUCKIEST? I always thought you were more superior than I am, more attractive, more talented, more KNOWLEDGEABLE, more sociable, MORE, MORE, MORE—all that I really was before. I really wondered what made me think I was this useless in front of you yet even when I was not in your school, I had all the glory I could ever had. It’s time that I rant these because you’ve taken so much from me psychologically: It’s time for me to RANT and HAIL myself worthy of whatever shit I should have gotten before.

Hey, look now. Who got into the so-called premier university? Who’s about to kick all your sorry asses in the future? Come on. I hope you get the message. Yes, I have the bragging rights from the very start. YES, I AM CONCEITED. Yeah right, yeah right. Get mad. Now do it. All is said and done, but I would want my vengeance to take over now. In a few month’s time, I’ll really stick to what I’ve planned. Gratitude is out of the question. Friendship is erased in the picture. I’ve found BETTER people in my current school and I think they would influence me better than what you did to me. Oh yes, get mad at me. Raise all your furies hiding from within… I would love that.

I was really a loser back then—because I spent time with you. I really know it, and I admit it.

Glamorous Days

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

akehanashita mado ni mawaru ranbu no DEEP SKY
AH aoide...

Boisterous dance by the opened window DEEP SKY
AH look up the sky

"kurikaesu hibi ni nan no imi ga aru no?"
AH sakende...
tobidasu GO
hakitsubushita ROCKING SHOES
haneageru PUDDLE
flash back
kimi wa CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

"what is the point of repeated days?"
AH scream
and run. GO
torn ROCKING SHOES
jumping PUDDLE
Flash back
you are CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

"akewatashita ai ni nan no kachi mo nai no?"
AH nageite...
hakidasu GO
nomihoshite ROCK N'ROLL
iki agaru BATTLE
flash back
kimi no FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

"There is no values on given up love?"
AH regret
and vomit GO
All drunken ROCK N'ROLL
spirit up BATTLE
FURASSHUBAKKU
your FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

ano hoshi wo atsumete  kono mune ni kazaritai
ano yume wo tsunaide  futari odotta GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
nemurenai yo!

I want to collect those stars and decorate this heart
Connecting the dreams, we both danced GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
I can't sleep!

SUNDAY MONDAY
inazuma TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
yukibana... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
nanairo EVERYDAY
yamikumo kieru FULL MOON
kotaete  boku no koe ni

SUNDAY MONDAY
stormy TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
snowflower... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
seven colors EVERYDAY
the dark clouds disappeared. FULL MOON
Answer to my voice.

ano kumo wo haratte  kimi no mirai terashitai
kono yume wo kakaete  hitori aruku yo GLORIOUS DAYS

I want to erase that cloud and enlighten your future
Embracing this dream, I'll walk alone GLORIOUS DAYS

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

GLAMOROUS SKY...

GLAMOROUS SKY...

Translated and transliterated by busbuddy

Personally this song has been my movie OST favorite until Reira entered and stole the scene. Owaranai Story just got my heart swayed—that was when I thought of love as something sacred or something to cherish. But then it isn’t the actual thing. I was blinded by those times. Anyway, this song isn’t the main theme of this post. I just added it since it’s my current ALSS [Auto Last Song Syndrome, heard from nowhere but from the insides of my brain transmitted to my vocal cords, etc.]

I would really want to create a blog post about UP’s miraculous win which sort of disappointed me. However, when these eerie feelings came by to visit me again, I couldn’t help but write about it. Another rant slash implied post was therefore set to be published.

I cannot define what’s real and what’s not. Yeah, many blurbs of the people around me kind of point out to the one same thing the other is implying. Who cares then? Should I listen? I don’t really think it’s needed. Should I believe? I won’t listen so why would I analyze it? By the way it is being repeated in my ear for the last 30 days already. I digressed. I would not want it to remain in my long-term memory…

As much as I would want to elaborate that, I really find it hard to be fed into my mind. I mean, come on. My mind is cluttered and has been cluttered since the beginning of time. And to add some nonsense this-and-that would make it more cluttered and unorganized, losing some important space for something more productive. I really do not want to believe, because seeing is believing. Faith do not apply so much on me for I seek the evidences and not “trust” the yet unknown things. Besides, I rely too much on my gut feeling that I would not want to at least attempt to do the things I already have done—I’ve dealt with losses because of believing waaay back in my life’s early stages.

He couldn’t blame me. We both know the fact that my mindset is fixed. Once something has been settled, I wouldn’t mind digging it, but the resolve has already been done and decided. No matter how much it costs him or how much time will be lost because of my disbelief, or how many lives could practically be ruined because of my will, I wouldn’t risk being hurt again. Plain immature thinking. It is rather logical, since the argument here is that, why hurt yourself again if you’ve been hurt by that same thing for a thousand times? My logic is contorted. Right, I know.

If most people find my decision stupid and not worth living up to this moment, then fine, think of it that way. As long as the two words that matter to me are existing, I could still endure everything. Definitely it’s stupid and non-Christian. Whatever to that. Patience is a virtue, as they say. But I think endurance is coupled with patience in order for it to take its full effect. That one thing could be found in that person, but I guess all the wordplays and all the redundancies must’ve made me sick and tired already… not to mention bored.

He would want me to think of everything as part of the recent past that is yet to be forgotten and buried somewhere else, and to be reclaimed by tons of new physical interaction and lots of the so-called emotional attachment. Kinda good to hear, those lines like “let’s throw the past away and leave it all behind”, “we’ll do more good memories and it will bury every bad thing in the past”, and so on, and so forth.

How come I would want to believe him somehow yet my gut feel strictly tells me it’s something I shouldn’t settle amicably?

Probably my plans will just have to push through. I don’t care whether repercussions are the worst, or if Karma down hits me. Bring it on.