Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.

New Friendster

Matagal-tagal na nung huli kong gamitin ang browser para gumawa ng blog post. At dahil kawawa naman ang page na ito e naisip ko namang lagyan ng December entry para makumpleto ko lahat ng buwan sa 2009 (first time yata to sa blog na may isang taon na kumpleto lahat ng buwan). Hindi ako makatulog kaya binuksan ko ang Facebook at doon ko nabalitaan ang bagong look ng Friendster. Kaya naman naintriga ako at ayan, naging berde na nga ang dating gray na smiley logo at nag-iba na ang smiley. Parang cursive na ewan na sa unang tingin ay akala ko neon sign ng kung anong establishment (parang ganun kasi yung wiring na umiilaw na yun compared sa logong bago). Sinubukan kong hanapin ang ilang features na dati madalas kong makita. Aba, wala na ang sangkatutak na orange alerts. Nalipat na sa left pane, at black na ang font. Medyo civilized na kung tutuusin. Hindi na mukhang spam generator. Magkaganoon man, ayaw ko pa rin sa bagong layout. Ewan ko ba pero parang allergic na ko sa Friendster.

Sunod kong inopen ang inbox kong naguumapaw na sa spam messages gaya ng "Join *insert artistic FS name here* in Ego Love Lounge", etc. na katumbas ng notification sa Facebook. Yun nga lang, sa Friendster kasi naiibak lahat sa inbox mo kaya yung sakin 450+ unread. Hirap hanapin isa-isa kung ano ang hindi spam, kaya mark all as spam nalang: in hopes na hindi na ko mapapadalhan ng ganung messages (buti nalang matagal ko nang inalis yung e-mail notification ko dito). Pagkalipas ng ilang minuto, wala na ang numero sa tabi ng Messages link ko. Haay salamat. Nakakairita kasi sakin pag me mga numero sa tabi ng menu o anu pa man.

Kaya naman hindi ko pa ma-delete itong account ko ay dahil sa dalawang dahilan: una, nandito ang blog kong mahaba at original kaya sayang naman; at pangalawa, may mga kaibigan pa akong kilala ko talaga na hindi pa gumagawa ng Facebook. Pero okay na rin na hindi pa to nadedelete kasi makikita ko pa ang mga pakulo ng Friendster habang lalo syang nalalaos. Ayos na entertainment na rin kahit pano.

Yay Wish List: My Financial Plans

Earlier this year, I had my updated 2009 wish list written at my small whiteboard where I state all of the concerns and events (exams, deadlines, whatevers) weekly. The wish list never left its space, and luckily after months of feeling lucky and earnestly waiting for donations, et cetera, I finally completed all of it. The final item on my wish list is the HDD Enclosure. Most of my wish list items were still from the past: either 2 years ago or a year ago. I can’t believe it’s quicker than usual; I complete my wish list for a certain year mostly during December. And this year, I got something extra that I didn’t really wish I’d had. It was more of a so-called blessing also I term it as an unfortunate occurrence. So sorry to say that.

And so, since I got this baito that enabled me to complete my wish list, I will start creating my new one right this very moment. I will try to pick-up those that were dropped from my previous lists, starting with the curling iron. Oh right, I really wanted those curly locks which are larger than the regular perm (my so-called perm long time ago was quite unsuccessful, and I think the only way to get those locks is by that curling iron!).

Next would be an external BLURAY and DVD RW drive. Yeah! This was dropped due to previous financial constraints. I asked for its price months ago, and it was a disappointing 16 thou. Talk about that price when you just started to work 2 months ago picking only a minimal salary of at least 4 thou a month. My resort to mediocrity and idleness doesn’t quite help, but it makes me feel a bit away from pressure.

With my current finances and while I’m a bum, I can’t get allowance so I wouldn’t have the extra added, thus making the Bluray dream accomplished by end of 2010. Besides, I promised to pay the initial deposit addition of my parents to my bank account. I also spent lots of money for the previous phone bills which now I could manage (thanks to someone who doesn’t bother me anymore). And with school out of the system, I would not have to text massively because of groupies and other stuffs. Another thing that I devoted myself into buying are dresses, that would probably make my life easier since I cannot wear my denim pants anymore (thank you waistline!). I promise to buy at least one per month.

If I earn 1 thousand more than my minimum this month, I will definitely get the curling iron done before 2009 ends. Then save about 2 thou per month for the bluray drive. There’s another option that I’m thinking of. It’s the new laptop project. I’m currently dissatisfied with my laptop, so I would want in 2010 to have a new one before I go to school. Hmn, sounds promising if I earn 4 thou a month without spending a bit, by June 2010 I would have around 24 thou. That sounds promising. I would probably buy a bulky 15-inch laptop with lower specs than my current one which I could carry along to school everyday (or maybe I’ll try asking for financial assistance to get a better one which will stay at home and I’ll be bringing this 12-inch old laptop to school everyday, OR work for 4 hours straight everyday and also during weekend mornings and maximize the earning potential—which I can’t seem to devote myself to). Maybe I could get a smaller laptop—without a DVD ROM but easily transportable.

This post should be bookmarked or printed out by me so I will always remember what I intended to do.

Hatred. A Must-Read For Someone.

Nothing pushed me to write on my blog the last month since I was pretty fine back then. But now, I had more reasons to write up rants that’s why this post evolved. I was to sleep with the normal 10 PM by bed routine for the past week, but the devil knows I really wanted to spill all my hatred for someone right now. I have been talking about this with my closest guyfriends, but I’d rather not tell them anything right now because they might be thinking of other bothersome things as of this moment that I might ruin their current modes. Oh well, never had I felt this much anger for myself than now. I really thought that things could go smoothly, not until now.

I didn’t intend to do this blog post again to be read by anyone since I write with my whim. Oh yeah. That’s what a blog really is. Screw the grammar this time. So let me tell the story on why I exactly hate someone from the very beginning.

Back in senior year of high school I thought things were pretty normal with all the couple-y stuff I’ve been involved in. Not until perverse things began and got me thinking when should be the right age to discuss rather disgusting things with a member of the opposite gender. Yeah, since it was inevitable those stuffs began from the simplest to the quite disturbing for that period. It didn’t end so good for that person since I got wily then mad before, during and after graduation. I didn’t quite get the transition to college first and so on. But that period passed, since the good quite showed from him although I still blame him for what had happened to me. Anyway, college came in a blast with me still clueless on stuff then we began being totally in to some things as lightly as first then comes 2007 and there goes specific events before it (duh the order) and then I found myself agreeing to it. Oh right. I usually do something first before blah blah blah. Yeah, he was persistent, and I knew he really was. He told me so.

And so the vicious cycle continued, with me realizing the intent for this and that was growing with regards to this person. I tried avoiding it in all costs, but who am I to completely guard myself? I’m no saint nor a control freak of my own undertakings; I’m not obedient either. I just got sucked into a warp and never got out of it. What’s worse is that as the year passed, several things happened. I had them documented chronologically. The dates were as follows:

sometime in March 2008,

April 14, 2008,

June 3, 2008

December 19, 2008

January 2-3, 2009

January 9, 2009

January 17, 2009

January 26, 2009

January 30-31, 2009 and many many countless dates more.

And lo, when February 6, 2009 came, his plans of getting me into this almost everywhere to be seen red building come true. I bet it was one of the happiest days in his pathetic life. Then it was followed by February 9, 2009—up to the very present. We’d tried all other places and planned on all other things. Yea, I got caught by these bewildered words he say. Oh you know the common story of women, right? By the way I don’t know yet who must be blamed for all of these other than him. Well, he could say in defense that he was just being a guy oh for the love of the gods. That would be everyone’s reasoning. I think he really had the worst religious state ever, but that made me wonder what Catholic schools have been teaching to its students. The lewdness and the sleekness of this person must’ve reached the depths of I don’t know where. And what’s yet another bad part is that I was the usual cohort. Damn my pathetic human brain and mushy side. I know I shouldn’t have believed him too soon.

Lesson learned: none. Even though it seems that he got the worst torture from me as everybody thinks starting from last August, IT’S ALL WRONG. Females are still considered as the weaker ones, so be it. I would personally agree. I might have appeared to have the upper hand in this seemingly good relationship but really, no. I might have looked like hey I’m ok and I’m having a great time torturing, but the thing is, I was the one getting all the bad repercussions and all the worst setbacks I could ever think of. Soon, everyone will have to know on how we’d lived our life, and I’d be glad. He’s definitely not the princely whatsoever coming from the fairytale kind of guy. I was even wondering if he wasn’t as worst as the worst perverted men I know. Maybe the one who admits some things in that realm are the ones who hadn’t been doing much. But as of this Mr. I’m so innocent I look like an angel, he really had this devilish side hopefully he had unleashed with other girls (oh yes come feast with his body, I bet he’s doing all sorts of stuff to attract you more). Baah. I was even telling him sometimes as exact as I wrote here, but I believe not until he gets the REAL beating and not just the verbal jousts will he ever be disciplined.

As of now, I had no plans on doing anything but to continue the game I had started which by the way I’m about to lose. Even if he says this and that meekly and humbly like I will never do this and that, I will be this and that, I will do this and that, I will lessen this and that, look I’m doing this and that, hey now I’m more like this and that—aah right? Just keep on feeding me mushy and cheesy words and don’t forget to act as good as possible and in the end your fruits of performing will be paid by the gods of lust. I don't think this post will be getting anywhere without me addressing it to you properly, but I think I’ll have to tag you when this appears on Facebook. Oh, you’ll make a good actor. Keep on practicing. I really have no time to analyze whichever you say is right or wrong or true or false or any other question that is not open-ended because I’m so tired of them. Besides, I’ve been getting more objective exams in school so there.

But seriously, he was the best chum I’d ever had at the same time the worst. I couldn’t say anything more because he’s heard of these many times from before. After that, it’s as if he had this auto-response of the mushy stuff. It’s like a spam text message I keep on receiving every time I started reminding him on how he sucked big time. I know of his efforts, but those aren’t enough to cover the big messes up. I really don’t know how to get even this time. Man, I better think of something quick.

Destiny, Fate, Whatever.

There were times that I would just want to believe that such things exist: you know, the common chick flick endings or some plot beginners for lots of romance drama genre anime or Korean Drama. They all end up happily—the ending always becomes the first catchy coupling in the story gets to be tied by that certain bond they termed in many different ways. Yes, that includes the destiny stuff.

I know I could not rely on that from the very start of my first relationship. I would want to think of it that way, but what actually happened was I relied too much on destiny during my first years of puberty, and it just so happened that the actual relationship made me feel not to believe eventually on it. I used to be the type of girl who knows that the story of this and that has a correlation of this and that in my then life. Ah, how pathetic for me to rely on that theory that really doesn’t make sense to me right now. I mean it rarely applies, and yeah, I am open to the possibility of its application in my life.

I hated lots of instances that made me believe in destiny and that of fate. There were times something was almost there yet I didn’t grab the chance, and of course the traditional (more traditional) destiny made it either too tragic or too sappy for me and here I am ending miserably. Both of those instances get to me, and that is not the reason why I don’t want to believe in destiny. It is because when it seems to have locked you in place in preparation of what’s destined to happen, it appears that you’ll have to realize how worthless your so-called destined life is and how it sucks to be directed by that unknown red string tied to you and to someone else and yes the rest is cliché. You would want to get out of your life now, and hope for the other unrealistic chance encounters that would make you firmly believe that the next encounter would not be destiny: but CHOICE. Therefore, the theory that we pick the ones we should love appears, and then it’s all about the reality, the ROI’s, the must-be-this-and-that kind of thinking. That is how I look at it in my perspective, and it is not beneficial to me or to anyone else.

I like it when I read the horoscope compatibility. It goes to what I would want destiny to become. Here’s not the catch. I would want to say the cliché and overused phrase: I’ll create my own destiny.

September!!

It’s funny when I just knew that something had occurred to me when seemingly I’m without my consciousness. Oh yeah, right now I think I might be succumbed to the F mania as I spend my sem-ender days idly. But wait, I’m having a lot of fun right now, so the F’s doesn’t matter to me anymore!

Aside from the downside yet happy “upside”, I’m currently pursuing stuffs like applying in an academic organization (CIRCA) and of course having extended my social life like there is no tomorrow. I’m also beginning to date the normal way (this is quite a complicated thing to state here) with the same guy back to the old ways.

Anyway, since I’m hyped by the new month and I’m hyped by the subsequent movie watching I’ve been doing the whole of August and start of September, I will just tell of the bad things I predicted (and also that is for me to be reminded of what I should be doing!).

Of course, there are 3 oral presentations to be accomplished, two for major subjects and the other for Psych. These will be presented in class, so it must be done effectively. The Psych report has no problems, although I’m REALLY bothered by the Ethics class report (bear with me because I have a group mate who is thrice as bum as I am). The Psych would be done first, on the 10th while the Ethics would be on the 22nd. The Land Use Planning report would be on the 23rd and this bothers me as well, because I haven’t been going to 191 class for about 5 consecutive meetings (uh-oh).

September is also field trip month, that is why I’m having 2 field trips on the same week. On the 7th, we’re going to the Ombudsman for Ethics class and on the 9th, we’re going to NAMRIA for Land Administration class.

September is the DANCING IN SEPTEMBER month (obviously!) so I’m thinking of watching it (if my PE is still working after missing out on 10+ UAAP games :|). Anyway, I don’t think it would work out, so I’ll skip this event and wait for my grade of 5 in PE and attend BELLYDANCING classes next semester (booyeah!)

Papers, on the other hand, had been haunting me for days. I have 2 papers for my 191 and another for 142, a Newsletter for Psych, and of course my SLO assessment paper. Oh, the drama. 191 is just the thing that’s hard to accomplish.

Home works are too many for me, but I haven’t been doing the Accounting ones. Oh right. I am to fail Accounting this year again. :P Yay for third take! Econ home works are group thingies, that is why I’m not worried (thanks to the younger group mate who does the maths and stats and for the diligent graduating group mate who takes care of the paperwork).

Let me not forget about the 4’s I’m about to clear: Stat 101—> the long forgotten 4 and expiring this sem, PA 113—> still has time for it, PA 121—> could be cleared any time of the year. And of course, the exams that are about to occur: Accounting and Econ :D

Lastly, my org application stuff: I would start memorizing the preamble of the CIRCA consti, raise money for the IGP, find my missing tambay card (pfft! But then they know I tambay an awful lot), and of course accomplish the sigsheet. Worry for the FR later :D

I never thought September would be the busiest. But I never thought of it that way. September is my FUN month :)

Pain

 

I know that this might be the stupidest thing I might have thought of. But then again, whenever I thought of any happy end or something with him, I really suck and I began to cry aimlessly. If it has to be this dramatic, I might have thought of it in a hopeless romantic manner that I really do not want to leave his side.

However, the thoughts of both having him and losing him must've mixed in my brain in a twisted manner: it's as if both are all one and the same in my mind. It's damn freaking annoying because this time I'm sure I'm feeling something other than the so-called infatuation among the females of my kind. If this would be the worst possible torture I'll ever have in my poor life, then this should be it.

Honestly, when I am with this person, I really would have to admire him all over again--all those crushing moments come back to me as if they were just there hidden in me somewhere. If I began analyzing how I really feel and weigh other options, I began crying like there's no tomorrow. It's like all those chick flicks have sunk in my mind, and all of the stuffs so cheesy and obviously just to flatter he's been stuffing my midget thinking had began to infiltrate my frail human emotions. If it wasn't for my rational thinking, I might have fallen under his spell.

God, this is so agonizing for me. It's too hard to maintain my cool exterior: the unfeeling, carefree, and other images I send off using my so-called "acting skills". I mastered the art of fooling someone in a short period of time yet stating "half-truths" that would probably make it quite real. I really have felt this thing called love maybe.

I just wouldn't want to comprehend since it seems folly at the same time so real… as if the fantasies as wild as I just thought for my fiction just popped out from the pages of the text I've written before. Scary, exciting, painful, worth looking out for… those words must fit the description of what I have been actually feeling. I love the sense of adventure and secrecy, and the fun of hiding such hideous and lustful acts we're doing to each other. I know that most people around us doesn't find that abnormal or doubtful since they are apathetic, or most likely uncaring for what's been happening around me. My parents, for instance, finally knew from me that their hunches were right, and now seemed to be as if they cared less about what I do.

Personally, I'm still concerned with the great girl image I've built through time, and my wild escapades with this young man doesn't seem to be creditable for my said "prim and proper" behavior. One by one, I'm unleashing all the bitchiness I've been showing off little by little through time .If not because of the new environment: the more accepting, without norms, and seemingly sacrilegious school I am in, I might've not existed for the past 3 years.

I was thinking of having some sort of confession to this certain someone but I can't get myself nor put myself into saying those words right in front of his face without much hesitation or humor. As I've thought to myself before, I really knew deep inside how I feel but then my fears would resurface and my time might be few--or I might run out of chances to say it once and for all. God. I hate it when I have to lie and mask in front of him when all I wanted to say is "I love you". Pfft. When I think of this, I find myself cheesier than him (or at least what he projects when he wants to fuck me).