Clean Slate?

Kung babalikan ko ang mga naganap sa buhay ko nung nakaraang apat na taon, masasabi kong malaki nga rin ang naging pagkukulang ko. Pwede ring ako rin pala ay may kailangang pagbayaran at “ganti” lang din ang mga naganap last year. Pero nang dahil sa pride ko, hindi ko pa rin matanggap na maaari ngang ang insecurities ko ang may kagagawan sa dinaranas kong kung ano man ito.

Maganda ang kahulugan ng idiom na may kinalaman sa title ng blog post kong ito. Clean slate. Start anew, walang prejudice, hindi na iisipin ang nakaraan. Kung gaano man kaganda ang intensyon mo ay ganoon din kahirap gawin iyon. Hindi rin madalian kung magkakalimutan man ang pag-uusapan, lalo na sa katulad kong matalas ang memorya para sa mga karumal-dumal na bagay.

Hyperbole na kung hyperbole, pero maaari kong i-classify na krimen ang mga naganap last year. Siguro kung ita-tally ko ang akin at ang kanya e mas madami ang sticks nung sakin. Kaya lang, pag naiisip ko naman yung sa kanya at lulutang ang pagkaparanoid ko e wala nang mararating ang mga guilt trip ko pag gabi. Bigla nanaman akong matutuliro sa kaiisip ng mga kung anu-anong mga bagay. Minsan nga hindi ko nalang iniintindi, pero pag nag-umpisa na yan, heto na at babalik ang nakaraan.

Iyon din kaya ang gumugulo sa kanya?

Hindi ko iniintindi kung ano kasi ang pakiramdam nya. Oo, inaamin kong insensitive ako at magaling din sa accusations. Hindi rin ako open sa mga saloobin ko kaya nakikimkim ang kung anong ideas pagkatapos e ipapakita ko nalang ang aking grudges. Tapos ito namang isa walang clue (o posible ring alam nya pero hindi niya dinederetso). Sa tingin ko naman dapat sa ngayon ay wala na rin kaming pag-aalinlangan sa isa’t-isa. Hindi magtatagal wala na kaming magagawa kundi unawain ang mga ka-weirdohan at tanggapin iyon nang maluwag.

Sana lang ganyan palagi ang naiisip ko. Pwede rin naman kasing hindi nalang talaga pansinin ang mga ganito’t-ganyan. Kaso, iba pa rin naman ang obvious at ang kakaibang kutob. Magulo lang talaga. Pwede ko ring sisihin ang kalagayan ko ngayon, pero hindi na pwede sigurong sisihin ang mood swings kasi lakpas na ko sa bahaging iyon. Siguro yung “hormonal” na lang, pasado pa. Dapat siguro pinag-iisipan ko talaga ang mga sinasabi ko. Kasi naman pag joke, minsan sabi ko “half-meant” or hindi ko nasasabi na “joke lang,”. Sana EWAN nalang ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong tapos bahala na kung totoo o hindi, with no hard feelings.

Kailan kaya ako makakapag-isip nang matino tungkol dito? Feeling ko kasi maiksing oras na lang ang natitira para sa conclusion.

Kuro-wanwan, Yuuko and Syaoran

I’m desperate in building a Chop Shop in Mafia Wars that I created dummy accounts for my “kids”. I know it’s a wrong move since they are not Facebookers or living entities to have their own e-mail accounts. I tried starting to play Mafia Wars with Yuuko and Kuro’s accounts but I was surprised there was no player class. Starting a new Mafia Wars account is surprisingly different. Oh well, it was a year ago when I created my first one so it really must have changed through time.

I don’t know what to put in Kuro and Yuuko’s accounts since they don’t live. Maybe I’ll invent things, place their real pictures, and add a few people who really know them in their accounts. For Syaoran, I wasn’t able to create an e-mail account yet since there have been multiple errors in CometBird. (By the way, I use 5 browsers in my PC for my many Yahoo! working accounts) Anyway, I would still try using these accounts for my gameplay because as I’ve said earlier, I’m desperate. :D

Musings

 

I really still have troubles when I think of his activities outside my knowledge. Let's say school and after school. He rarely talks to me about his nightly activities, and also the things he does when I'm not around. He doesn't mention the people he's with, only in a few cases. I really do not want to prod him to tell everything, because I prefer to be discreet and just investigate silently. But it seems as if he could read every thought and action I do. It's not the higher case of paranoia I experienced before though. I still have these gut feelings from before, strengthening each time we meet each other and I notice changes in him. His demeanor was way different from the time he said he's crazy for me. His elated mood whenever, wherever is kind of bothering me. Maybe things are getting better for him at his school. Maybe he's found a company for him to be happy with, thus he doesn't need me and he doesn't quite remember to text me or so. It was so unlike before--those times I was busy driving him away for various reasons. Now I'm thinking that I really need him to always check on me and to bug me, and it feels really weird if he's not doing that. But things have changed already, as I've been telling myself. I cannot bring back those times that he assumingly needs me and relies on every word I say. Now, he's more on others' approval and not of mine. It sucks because I am used to his being so needy of me and also of his attention to everything I do. I still think of the reasons why this had happened: was he tired of me already or is it because we're tying the knot and he's secure I won't linger anywhere but beside him? It's frustrating not knowing these and wanting to know the answers to my questions but the answer cannot be determined. Only he could state every truth and lie that I would have to analyze for myself. I don't know if this unknown jealousy and insecurity really has some real roots or was it just my missing him that affects my emotions? Or maybe the changes made me think that his inconsistency really is doubtful. I just smile and cry whenever I remember the times he's been really trying to please me, or to appear as I had wanted him to be. It's such a shame I went through the lengths of those that I wanted to change his entire being. It's wrong, it’s given to be so wrong, but I still did it. I just feel sad and terrible because of the things I've done to him. In the end, it was I who totally lost him, and now I have nothing to keep him stuck with me but a kid in my tummy.

Today is not January 23. I know.

Surprisingly, there was no January 2010 blog post on this longest running blog that I have. I found it quite inappropriate because I wanted to have all the months shown on the archive. So even though today’s the 23rd of February, thanks to Windows Live Writer, I was able to set the date for this post—thus the title.

Anyway, I’m already moving to Blogger. I already created this account before and now I think I will update it side by side with WordPress and FS (I was thinking if it would be redundant). My Multiply blog will contain separate posts as it has always been the more honest blog I ever created posts on. BlogSync helped me with the Blogger move. It’s such an easy app to use. :)

Since I forgot what I wanted to say, and I’m merely spending time while waiting for a student to come online, I’ll end tonight’s post right now (maybe later I would have something to talk about).

Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.

New Friendster

Matagal-tagal na nung huli kong gamitin ang browser para gumawa ng blog post. At dahil kawawa naman ang page na ito e naisip ko namang lagyan ng December entry para makumpleto ko lahat ng buwan sa 2009 (first time yata to sa blog na may isang taon na kumpleto lahat ng buwan). Hindi ako makatulog kaya binuksan ko ang Facebook at doon ko nabalitaan ang bagong look ng Friendster. Kaya naman naintriga ako at ayan, naging berde na nga ang dating gray na smiley logo at nag-iba na ang smiley. Parang cursive na ewan na sa unang tingin ay akala ko neon sign ng kung anong establishment (parang ganun kasi yung wiring na umiilaw na yun compared sa logong bago). Sinubukan kong hanapin ang ilang features na dati madalas kong makita. Aba, wala na ang sangkatutak na orange alerts. Nalipat na sa left pane, at black na ang font. Medyo civilized na kung tutuusin. Hindi na mukhang spam generator. Magkaganoon man, ayaw ko pa rin sa bagong layout. Ewan ko ba pero parang allergic na ko sa Friendster.

Sunod kong inopen ang inbox kong naguumapaw na sa spam messages gaya ng "Join *insert artistic FS name here* in Ego Love Lounge", etc. na katumbas ng notification sa Facebook. Yun nga lang, sa Friendster kasi naiibak lahat sa inbox mo kaya yung sakin 450+ unread. Hirap hanapin isa-isa kung ano ang hindi spam, kaya mark all as spam nalang: in hopes na hindi na ko mapapadalhan ng ganung messages (buti nalang matagal ko nang inalis yung e-mail notification ko dito). Pagkalipas ng ilang minuto, wala na ang numero sa tabi ng Messages link ko. Haay salamat. Nakakairita kasi sakin pag me mga numero sa tabi ng menu o anu pa man.

Kaya naman hindi ko pa ma-delete itong account ko ay dahil sa dalawang dahilan: una, nandito ang blog kong mahaba at original kaya sayang naman; at pangalawa, may mga kaibigan pa akong kilala ko talaga na hindi pa gumagawa ng Facebook. Pero okay na rin na hindi pa to nadedelete kasi makikita ko pa ang mga pakulo ng Friendster habang lalo syang nalalaos. Ayos na entertainment na rin kahit pano.

Yay Wish List: My Financial Plans

Earlier this year, I had my updated 2009 wish list written at my small whiteboard where I state all of the concerns and events (exams, deadlines, whatevers) weekly. The wish list never left its space, and luckily after months of feeling lucky and earnestly waiting for donations, et cetera, I finally completed all of it. The final item on my wish list is the HDD Enclosure. Most of my wish list items were still from the past: either 2 years ago or a year ago. I can’t believe it’s quicker than usual; I complete my wish list for a certain year mostly during December. And this year, I got something extra that I didn’t really wish I’d had. It was more of a so-called blessing also I term it as an unfortunate occurrence. So sorry to say that.

And so, since I got this baito that enabled me to complete my wish list, I will start creating my new one right this very moment. I will try to pick-up those that were dropped from my previous lists, starting with the curling iron. Oh right, I really wanted those curly locks which are larger than the regular perm (my so-called perm long time ago was quite unsuccessful, and I think the only way to get those locks is by that curling iron!).

Next would be an external BLURAY and DVD RW drive. Yeah! This was dropped due to previous financial constraints. I asked for its price months ago, and it was a disappointing 16 thou. Talk about that price when you just started to work 2 months ago picking only a minimal salary of at least 4 thou a month. My resort to mediocrity and idleness doesn’t quite help, but it makes me feel a bit away from pressure.

With my current finances and while I’m a bum, I can’t get allowance so I wouldn’t have the extra added, thus making the Bluray dream accomplished by end of 2010. Besides, I promised to pay the initial deposit addition of my parents to my bank account. I also spent lots of money for the previous phone bills which now I could manage (thanks to someone who doesn’t bother me anymore). And with school out of the system, I would not have to text massively because of groupies and other stuffs. Another thing that I devoted myself into buying are dresses, that would probably make my life easier since I cannot wear my denim pants anymore (thank you waistline!). I promise to buy at least one per month.

If I earn 1 thousand more than my minimum this month, I will definitely get the curling iron done before 2009 ends. Then save about 2 thou per month for the bluray drive. There’s another option that I’m thinking of. It’s the new laptop project. I’m currently dissatisfied with my laptop, so I would want in 2010 to have a new one before I go to school. Hmn, sounds promising if I earn 4 thou a month without spending a bit, by June 2010 I would have around 24 thou. That sounds promising. I would probably buy a bulky 15-inch laptop with lower specs than my current one which I could carry along to school everyday (or maybe I’ll try asking for financial assistance to get a better one which will stay at home and I’ll be bringing this 12-inch old laptop to school everyday, OR work for 4 hours straight everyday and also during weekend mornings and maximize the earning potential—which I can’t seem to devote myself to). Maybe I could get a smaller laptop—without a DVD ROM but easily transportable.

This post should be bookmarked or printed out by me so I will always remember what I intended to do.