Ambition

 

Earlier, I was then again being the usual sulky self that I really am, also the selfish and unsupportive person I've been through these years. Since when did he began talking of his dreams and plans in the future like that? I was always not into the future thing, but he has all of it planned in his mind. Sure, I thought we'd stay like the kids we were before. But I have to admit, we're not getting any younger and we're having a child. It's absolutely not bad and shocking to think of the future at this very moment. I have to say I'd remained the kid and he's grown up into someone I am beginning to lose grip of. I really am happy and proud that he's including me in his idea of a good future, but something in me doesn't want it to happen. Is it the paranoia or is it the envy of him having to mature more than I had been? Or is it fear that maybe I'll be left behind because obviously right now I'm lagging many steps behind him. Soon, I'll only have the title of his wife rather than my own. Besides, all the family issues are there. I'm beginning to dig my hole somewhere behind his shadow. I'm losing my moment and soon it'll be all his. By that statement, it seems to me that I'm jealous of everything that's happening in his life now. I used to be the big-shot more intelligent person that was his so-called inspiration till we both failed miserably. He got up quite well and his comeback has been better than my easy fallback actions; obviously he had learned more than I did in his own soul-searching. Maybe it's time for me to let go of most of the things I've been holding to and been insecure of so I would be free of inhibitions and become a bit more honest and straightforward as he is. I already think I'm seeing this clearly: the thing is, I'm now no better than him. I'm the one who's sunk deeper in the pit we've dug together--or more appropriately, I'm the one who's being buried down under. I'm hating it, but the truth is, I'm happy inside for him. Sometimes I am thinking of not being with him because he might do better. He's reaching his prime faster than I thought it would happen. I guess I thought of him less and I was too full of myself. He's always been the better one, the humbler one, and the more honest one between us. I think all accusations and insecurities I had was due to the fact that I'm lower than him and I can't accept it. I might say it's unfair and blame it to him, but hey, maybe it's just that I had to sink lower than low in order to realize his worth more than ever--that actually I'm so lucky to have hooked up with him and not the other way around.

New Friendster

Matagal-tagal na nung huli kong gamitin ang browser para gumawa ng blog post. At dahil kawawa naman ang page na ito e naisip ko namang lagyan ng December entry para makumpleto ko lahat ng buwan sa 2009 (first time yata to sa blog na may isang taon na kumpleto lahat ng buwan). Hindi ako makatulog kaya binuksan ko ang Facebook at doon ko nabalitaan ang bagong look ng Friendster. Kaya naman naintriga ako at ayan, naging berde na nga ang dating gray na smiley logo at nag-iba na ang smiley. Parang cursive na ewan na sa unang tingin ay akala ko neon sign ng kung anong establishment (parang ganun kasi yung wiring na umiilaw na yun compared sa logong bago). Sinubukan kong hanapin ang ilang features na dati madalas kong makita. Aba, wala na ang sangkatutak na orange alerts. Nalipat na sa left pane, at black na ang font. Medyo civilized na kung tutuusin. Hindi na mukhang spam generator. Magkaganoon man, ayaw ko pa rin sa bagong layout. Ewan ko ba pero parang allergic na ko sa Friendster.

Sunod kong inopen ang inbox kong naguumapaw na sa spam messages gaya ng "Join *insert artistic FS name here* in Ego Love Lounge", etc. na katumbas ng notification sa Facebook. Yun nga lang, sa Friendster kasi naiibak lahat sa inbox mo kaya yung sakin 450+ unread. Hirap hanapin isa-isa kung ano ang hindi spam, kaya mark all as spam nalang: in hopes na hindi na ko mapapadalhan ng ganung messages (buti nalang matagal ko nang inalis yung e-mail notification ko dito). Pagkalipas ng ilang minuto, wala na ang numero sa tabi ng Messages link ko. Haay salamat. Nakakairita kasi sakin pag me mga numero sa tabi ng menu o anu pa man.

Kaya naman hindi ko pa ma-delete itong account ko ay dahil sa dalawang dahilan: una, nandito ang blog kong mahaba at original kaya sayang naman; at pangalawa, may mga kaibigan pa akong kilala ko talaga na hindi pa gumagawa ng Facebook. Pero okay na rin na hindi pa to nadedelete kasi makikita ko pa ang mga pakulo ng Friendster habang lalo syang nalalaos. Ayos na entertainment na rin kahit pano.

Yay Wish List: My Financial Plans

Earlier this year, I had my updated 2009 wish list written at my small whiteboard where I state all of the concerns and events (exams, deadlines, whatevers) weekly. The wish list never left its space, and luckily after months of feeling lucky and earnestly waiting for donations, et cetera, I finally completed all of it. The final item on my wish list is the HDD Enclosure. Most of my wish list items were still from the past: either 2 years ago or a year ago. I can’t believe it’s quicker than usual; I complete my wish list for a certain year mostly during December. And this year, I got something extra that I didn’t really wish I’d had. It was more of a so-called blessing also I term it as an unfortunate occurrence. So sorry to say that.

And so, since I got this baito that enabled me to complete my wish list, I will start creating my new one right this very moment. I will try to pick-up those that were dropped from my previous lists, starting with the curling iron. Oh right, I really wanted those curly locks which are larger than the regular perm (my so-called perm long time ago was quite unsuccessful, and I think the only way to get those locks is by that curling iron!).

Next would be an external BLURAY and DVD RW drive. Yeah! This was dropped due to previous financial constraints. I asked for its price months ago, and it was a disappointing 16 thou. Talk about that price when you just started to work 2 months ago picking only a minimal salary of at least 4 thou a month. My resort to mediocrity and idleness doesn’t quite help, but it makes me feel a bit away from pressure.

With my current finances and while I’m a bum, I can’t get allowance so I wouldn’t have the extra added, thus making the Bluray dream accomplished by end of 2010. Besides, I promised to pay the initial deposit addition of my parents to my bank account. I also spent lots of money for the previous phone bills which now I could manage (thanks to someone who doesn’t bother me anymore). And with school out of the system, I would not have to text massively because of groupies and other stuffs. Another thing that I devoted myself into buying are dresses, that would probably make my life easier since I cannot wear my denim pants anymore (thank you waistline!). I promise to buy at least one per month.

If I earn 1 thousand more than my minimum this month, I will definitely get the curling iron done before 2009 ends. Then save about 2 thou per month for the bluray drive. There’s another option that I’m thinking of. It’s the new laptop project. I’m currently dissatisfied with my laptop, so I would want in 2010 to have a new one before I go to school. Hmn, sounds promising if I earn 4 thou a month without spending a bit, by June 2010 I would have around 24 thou. That sounds promising. I would probably buy a bulky 15-inch laptop with lower specs than my current one which I could carry along to school everyday (or maybe I’ll try asking for financial assistance to get a better one which will stay at home and I’ll be bringing this 12-inch old laptop to school everyday, OR work for 4 hours straight everyday and also during weekend mornings and maximize the earning potential—which I can’t seem to devote myself to). Maybe I could get a smaller laptop—without a DVD ROM but easily transportable.

This post should be bookmarked or printed out by me so I will always remember what I intended to do.

Hatred. A Must-Read For Someone.

Nothing pushed me to write on my blog the last month since I was pretty fine back then. But now, I had more reasons to write up rants that’s why this post evolved. I was to sleep with the normal 10 PM by bed routine for the past week, but the devil knows I really wanted to spill all my hatred for someone right now. I have been talking about this with my closest guyfriends, but I’d rather not tell them anything right now because they might be thinking of other bothersome things as of this moment that I might ruin their current modes. Oh well, never had I felt this much anger for myself than now. I really thought that things could go smoothly, not until now.

I didn’t intend to do this blog post again to be read by anyone since I write with my whim. Oh yeah. That’s what a blog really is. Screw the grammar this time. So let me tell the story on why I exactly hate someone from the very beginning.

Back in senior year of high school I thought things were pretty normal with all the couple-y stuff I’ve been involved in. Not until perverse things began and got me thinking when should be the right age to discuss rather disgusting things with a member of the opposite gender. Yeah, since it was inevitable those stuffs began from the simplest to the quite disturbing for that period. It didn’t end so good for that person since I got wily then mad before, during and after graduation. I didn’t quite get the transition to college first and so on. But that period passed, since the good quite showed from him although I still blame him for what had happened to me. Anyway, college came in a blast with me still clueless on stuff then we began being totally in to some things as lightly as first then comes 2007 and there goes specific events before it (duh the order) and then I found myself agreeing to it. Oh right. I usually do something first before blah blah blah. Yeah, he was persistent, and I knew he really was. He told me so.

And so the vicious cycle continued, with me realizing the intent for this and that was growing with regards to this person. I tried avoiding it in all costs, but who am I to completely guard myself? I’m no saint nor a control freak of my own undertakings; I’m not obedient either. I just got sucked into a warp and never got out of it. What’s worse is that as the year passed, several things happened. I had them documented chronologically. The dates were as follows:

sometime in March 2008,

April 14, 2008,

June 3, 2008

December 19, 2008

January 2-3, 2009

January 9, 2009

January 17, 2009

January 26, 2009

January 30-31, 2009 and many many countless dates more.

And lo, when February 6, 2009 came, his plans of getting me into this almost everywhere to be seen red building come true. I bet it was one of the happiest days in his pathetic life. Then it was followed by February 9, 2009—up to the very present. We’d tried all other places and planned on all other things. Yea, I got caught by these bewildered words he say. Oh you know the common story of women, right? By the way I don’t know yet who must be blamed for all of these other than him. Well, he could say in defense that he was just being a guy oh for the love of the gods. That would be everyone’s reasoning. I think he really had the worst religious state ever, but that made me wonder what Catholic schools have been teaching to its students. The lewdness and the sleekness of this person must’ve reached the depths of I don’t know where. And what’s yet another bad part is that I was the usual cohort. Damn my pathetic human brain and mushy side. I know I shouldn’t have believed him too soon.

Lesson learned: none. Even though it seems that he got the worst torture from me as everybody thinks starting from last August, IT’S ALL WRONG. Females are still considered as the weaker ones, so be it. I would personally agree. I might have appeared to have the upper hand in this seemingly good relationship but really, no. I might have looked like hey I’m ok and I’m having a great time torturing, but the thing is, I was the one getting all the bad repercussions and all the worst setbacks I could ever think of. Soon, everyone will have to know on how we’d lived our life, and I’d be glad. He’s definitely not the princely whatsoever coming from the fairytale kind of guy. I was even wondering if he wasn’t as worst as the worst perverted men I know. Maybe the one who admits some things in that realm are the ones who hadn’t been doing much. But as of this Mr. I’m so innocent I look like an angel, he really had this devilish side hopefully he had unleashed with other girls (oh yes come feast with his body, I bet he’s doing all sorts of stuff to attract you more). Baah. I was even telling him sometimes as exact as I wrote here, but I believe not until he gets the REAL beating and not just the verbal jousts will he ever be disciplined.

As of now, I had no plans on doing anything but to continue the game I had started which by the way I’m about to lose. Even if he says this and that meekly and humbly like I will never do this and that, I will be this and that, I will do this and that, I will lessen this and that, look I’m doing this and that, hey now I’m more like this and that—aah right? Just keep on feeding me mushy and cheesy words and don’t forget to act as good as possible and in the end your fruits of performing will be paid by the gods of lust. I don't think this post will be getting anywhere without me addressing it to you properly, but I think I’ll have to tag you when this appears on Facebook. Oh, you’ll make a good actor. Keep on practicing. I really have no time to analyze whichever you say is right or wrong or true or false or any other question that is not open-ended because I’m so tired of them. Besides, I’ve been getting more objective exams in school so there.

But seriously, he was the best chum I’d ever had at the same time the worst. I couldn’t say anything more because he’s heard of these many times from before. After that, it’s as if he had this auto-response of the mushy stuff. It’s like a spam text message I keep on receiving every time I started reminding him on how he sucked big time. I know of his efforts, but those aren’t enough to cover the big messes up. I really don’t know how to get even this time. Man, I better think of something quick.

Destiny, Fate, Whatever.

There were times that I would just want to believe that such things exist: you know, the common chick flick endings or some plot beginners for lots of romance drama genre anime or Korean Drama. They all end up happily—the ending always becomes the first catchy coupling in the story gets to be tied by that certain bond they termed in many different ways. Yes, that includes the destiny stuff.

I know I could not rely on that from the very start of my first relationship. I would want to think of it that way, but what actually happened was I relied too much on destiny during my first years of puberty, and it just so happened that the actual relationship made me feel not to believe eventually on it. I used to be the type of girl who knows that the story of this and that has a correlation of this and that in my then life. Ah, how pathetic for me to rely on that theory that really doesn’t make sense to me right now. I mean it rarely applies, and yeah, I am open to the possibility of its application in my life.

I hated lots of instances that made me believe in destiny and that of fate. There were times something was almost there yet I didn’t grab the chance, and of course the traditional (more traditional) destiny made it either too tragic or too sappy for me and here I am ending miserably. Both of those instances get to me, and that is not the reason why I don’t want to believe in destiny. It is because when it seems to have locked you in place in preparation of what’s destined to happen, it appears that you’ll have to realize how worthless your so-called destined life is and how it sucks to be directed by that unknown red string tied to you and to someone else and yes the rest is cliché. You would want to get out of your life now, and hope for the other unrealistic chance encounters that would make you firmly believe that the next encounter would not be destiny: but CHOICE. Therefore, the theory that we pick the ones we should love appears, and then it’s all about the reality, the ROI’s, the must-be-this-and-that kind of thinking. That is how I look at it in my perspective, and it is not beneficial to me or to anyone else.

I like it when I read the horoscope compatibility. It goes to what I would want destiny to become. Here’s not the catch. I would want to say the cliché and overused phrase: I’ll create my own destiny.

September!!

It’s funny when I just knew that something had occurred to me when seemingly I’m without my consciousness. Oh yeah, right now I think I might be succumbed to the F mania as I spend my sem-ender days idly. But wait, I’m having a lot of fun right now, so the F’s doesn’t matter to me anymore!

Aside from the downside yet happy “upside”, I’m currently pursuing stuffs like applying in an academic organization (CIRCA) and of course having extended my social life like there is no tomorrow. I’m also beginning to date the normal way (this is quite a complicated thing to state here) with the same guy back to the old ways.

Anyway, since I’m hyped by the new month and I’m hyped by the subsequent movie watching I’ve been doing the whole of August and start of September, I will just tell of the bad things I predicted (and also that is for me to be reminded of what I should be doing!).

Of course, there are 3 oral presentations to be accomplished, two for major subjects and the other for Psych. These will be presented in class, so it must be done effectively. The Psych report has no problems, although I’m REALLY bothered by the Ethics class report (bear with me because I have a group mate who is thrice as bum as I am). The Psych would be done first, on the 10th while the Ethics would be on the 22nd. The Land Use Planning report would be on the 23rd and this bothers me as well, because I haven’t been going to 191 class for about 5 consecutive meetings (uh-oh).

September is also field trip month, that is why I’m having 2 field trips on the same week. On the 7th, we’re going to the Ombudsman for Ethics class and on the 9th, we’re going to NAMRIA for Land Administration class.

September is the DANCING IN SEPTEMBER month (obviously!) so I’m thinking of watching it (if my PE is still working after missing out on 10+ UAAP games :|). Anyway, I don’t think it would work out, so I’ll skip this event and wait for my grade of 5 in PE and attend BELLYDANCING classes next semester (booyeah!)

Papers, on the other hand, had been haunting me for days. I have 2 papers for my 191 and another for 142, a Newsletter for Psych, and of course my SLO assessment paper. Oh, the drama. 191 is just the thing that’s hard to accomplish.

Home works are too many for me, but I haven’t been doing the Accounting ones. Oh right. I am to fail Accounting this year again. :P Yay for third take! Econ home works are group thingies, that is why I’m not worried (thanks to the younger group mate who does the maths and stats and for the diligent graduating group mate who takes care of the paperwork).

Let me not forget about the 4’s I’m about to clear: Stat 101—> the long forgotten 4 and expiring this sem, PA 113—> still has time for it, PA 121—> could be cleared any time of the year. And of course, the exams that are about to occur: Accounting and Econ :D

Lastly, my org application stuff: I would start memorizing the preamble of the CIRCA consti, raise money for the IGP, find my missing tambay card (pfft! But then they know I tambay an awful lot), and of course accomplish the sigsheet. Worry for the FR later :D

I never thought September would be the busiest. But I never thought of it that way. September is my FUN month :)

Pain

 

I know that this might be the stupidest thing I might have thought of. But then again, whenever I thought of any happy end or something with him, I really suck and I began to cry aimlessly. If it has to be this dramatic, I might have thought of it in a hopeless romantic manner that I really do not want to leave his side.

However, the thoughts of both having him and losing him must've mixed in my brain in a twisted manner: it's as if both are all one and the same in my mind. It's damn freaking annoying because this time I'm sure I'm feeling something other than the so-called infatuation among the females of my kind. If this would be the worst possible torture I'll ever have in my poor life, then this should be it.

Honestly, when I am with this person, I really would have to admire him all over again--all those crushing moments come back to me as if they were just there hidden in me somewhere. If I began analyzing how I really feel and weigh other options, I began crying like there's no tomorrow. It's like all those chick flicks have sunk in my mind, and all of the stuffs so cheesy and obviously just to flatter he's been stuffing my midget thinking had began to infiltrate my frail human emotions. If it wasn't for my rational thinking, I might have fallen under his spell.

God, this is so agonizing for me. It's too hard to maintain my cool exterior: the unfeeling, carefree, and other images I send off using my so-called "acting skills". I mastered the art of fooling someone in a short period of time yet stating "half-truths" that would probably make it quite real. I really have felt this thing called love maybe.

I just wouldn't want to comprehend since it seems folly at the same time so real… as if the fantasies as wild as I just thought for my fiction just popped out from the pages of the text I've written before. Scary, exciting, painful, worth looking out for… those words must fit the description of what I have been actually feeling. I love the sense of adventure and secrecy, and the fun of hiding such hideous and lustful acts we're doing to each other. I know that most people around us doesn't find that abnormal or doubtful since they are apathetic, or most likely uncaring for what's been happening around me. My parents, for instance, finally knew from me that their hunches were right, and now seemed to be as if they cared less about what I do.

Personally, I'm still concerned with the great girl image I've built through time, and my wild escapades with this young man doesn't seem to be creditable for my said "prim and proper" behavior. One by one, I'm unleashing all the bitchiness I've been showing off little by little through time .If not because of the new environment: the more accepting, without norms, and seemingly sacrilegious school I am in, I might've not existed for the past 3 years.

I was thinking of having some sort of confession to this certain someone but I can't get myself nor put myself into saying those words right in front of his face without much hesitation or humor. As I've thought to myself before, I really knew deep inside how I feel but then my fears would resurface and my time might be few--or I might run out of chances to say it once and for all. God. I hate it when I have to lie and mask in front of him when all I wanted to say is "I love you". Pfft. When I think of this, I find myself cheesier than him (or at least what he projects when he wants to fuck me).

Remorse

 

I read a lot of things lately regarding what I have done and said before. Sometimes, my mind goes crazy again and I'll get in a fit of anger towards him and at times I would be glad it is over between us. Another thing inside of me triggered by romantic emo songs and other memories makes me feel sad and weary for doing everything that had made him quite the abnormal guy I always imagined that he was. With these conflicting ideas in me, I cannot think which one is the right one. I know I need guidance, signs, and whatsoever help from up above or down here on earth.

When I go back to the things that had made me dislike him, I grow nearly impatient and possessive. It's as if I wanna lock his world into mine, preventing him to grow along with others and let him revolve in my world. I have said to him long ago that I tend to be as selfish as that, that I wouldn't be any help for his personal growth because eventually I'll suck him to my circle and he'll realize how I crave and get so much of his attention and everything. He assured me that he doesn't care and all, but now: look at what he's become. Isn't it too much? Sometimes I tell myself that this is what I aimed for at the beginning: that I would want him to suffer as much as what I've experienced before. Again, my humane side fights back and also some of the Christian values they've inculcated in me works out: that is sooo wrong.

I have no idea. But something's gonna work out for us, right?

I Don't Know. [Originally Posted at Multiply]

Really now, I really feel that I'm being tricked and derided

[deride

Verb

[-riding, -rided] to speak of or treat with contempt or ridicule [Latin deridere to laugh to scorn]

derision n
Collins Essential English Dictionary
2nd Edition 2006 © HarperCollins Publishers 2004, 2006]

by someone. It's as if this whole crappy thing I was planning before backfired and led me to an emotional psychopathic torture played by this certain someone. It sucks, well for the fact that I wasn't that trained to counter emotional torture and of course, add the fact that I was aimlessly blamed by my yet another annoying housemate stating that basically everything that had occurred was my fault. To begin with, and honestly, I went through that lowly state before and look at me now: I'm back to what I used to be.

It seemed like right now, again, I was mainly the object of blame and of course, my usual scapegoat role in the societal group called Family emerged once more. I have always hated this normality but then again, I have no right to remain vocal about that matter. I just have to continuously adapt and burn my remaining ounces of patience with the burning fire of annoyance and or aggravation. It's always the ME part, and the ME part involves cynicism, skepticism, harsh critique, and you-are-the-worst remarks. I'm pretty much acquainted with that.

So then thinking of this would really matter to me. Besides, I need some sorts of reflections in order for me to apply the theories discussed at our Ethics and Accountability class and also at the Sikolohiyang Pilipino class. I don't care if I'm being too engrossed with Acads to infiltrate it in my daily activities, but that is my notion of Praxis in my life. Thanks to Dean Brillantes, I learned that concept and now I'm trying to apply it for my own use (in my own arguments).

Again, this event or rather those events got me confused. I really don't know.

Underling

self-worth (self′wʉrt̸h′)

noun

one's worth as a person, as perceived by oneself

 

There was such a time in my life when I thought I was this worthless: a worthless piece of shit existing just to please two ningens living with it just to satisfy societal and human conditions—in order to survive barely with its coexistent stuffs altogether living in a bare house of stone designed chiefly to torture this piece of shit—coexisting with other ningens who deem themselves “HIGH AND MIGHTY” and the “CREAM OF THE CROP” among all worthless institutions of the so-called “learning and knowledge” in the great country of the losers… in short, I thought of my existence in UP Diliman as quite demeaning, common, and therefore mediocre. Not until I came to NCPAG and have met all other SEEMINGLY (yes, this word changes the context) worthless people from Engineering and other UP Diliman Colleges like myself (I won’t care mentioning them).

True enough, being in NCPAG made me realize my actual worth (there really is some worth in me, so try figuring this out, dupes.) as a person and even as a single entity belonging to my parents’ assets (I could be a great one now that I know it). I could create something from this nonsense earthly existence we all have as of this moment. Of course, it would be more until I graduate from this freakin’ high and mighty institution. Right, thanks to this school, I got my first boring job and got lots of annoying phone calls from Call Center companies that have added to my existing (and increasing) self-worth that I’ve sort of lost… all because of several people from my High School.

Right now, I would want these people to come and take a look at me and finally realize whom they have been messing with: now then, tell me who among us is by far the LUCKIEST? I always thought you were more superior than I am, more attractive, more talented, more KNOWLEDGEABLE, more sociable, MORE, MORE, MORE—all that I really was before. I really wondered what made me think I was this useless in front of you yet even when I was not in your school, I had all the glory I could ever had. It’s time that I rant these because you’ve taken so much from me psychologically: It’s time for me to RANT and HAIL myself worthy of whatever shit I should have gotten before.

Hey, look now. Who got into the so-called premier university? Who’s about to kick all your sorry asses in the future? Come on. I hope you get the message. Yes, I have the bragging rights from the very start. YES, I AM CONCEITED. Yeah right, yeah right. Get mad. Now do it. All is said and done, but I would want my vengeance to take over now. In a few month’s time, I’ll really stick to what I’ve planned. Gratitude is out of the question. Friendship is erased in the picture. I’ve found BETTER people in my current school and I think they would influence me better than what you did to me. Oh yes, get mad at me. Raise all your furies hiding from within… I would love that.

I was really a loser back then—because I spent time with you. I really know it, and I admit it.

Glamorous Days

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

akehanashita mado ni mawaru ranbu no DEEP SKY
AH aoide...

Boisterous dance by the opened window DEEP SKY
AH look up the sky

"kurikaesu hibi ni nan no imi ga aru no?"
AH sakende...
tobidasu GO
hakitsubushita ROCKING SHOES
haneageru PUDDLE
flash back
kimi wa CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

"what is the point of repeated days?"
AH scream
and run. GO
torn ROCKING SHOES
jumping PUDDLE
Flash back
you are CLEVER
AH, REMEMBER

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

"akewatashita ai ni nan no kachi mo nai no?"
AH nageite...
hakidasu GO
nomihoshite ROCK N'ROLL
iki agaru BATTLE
flash back
kimi no FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

"There is no values on given up love?"
AH regret
and vomit GO
All drunken ROCK N'ROLL
spirit up BATTLE
FURASSHUBAKKU
your FLAVOR
AH REMEMBER

ano hoshi wo atsumete  kono mune ni kazaritai
ano yume wo tsunaide  futari odotta GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
nemurenai yo!

I want to collect those stars and decorate this heart
Connecting the dreams, we both danced GLAMOROUS DAYS
Mm... glamorous DAYS
I can't sleep!

SUNDAY MONDAY
inazuma TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
yukibana... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
nanairo EVERYDAY
yamikumo kieru FULL MOON
kotaete  boku no koe ni

SUNDAY MONDAY
stormy TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY THURSDAY
snowflower... OH...
FRIDAY SATURDAY
seven colors EVERYDAY
the dark clouds disappeared. FULL MOON
Answer to my voice.

ano kumo wo haratte  kimi no mirai terashitai
kono yume wo kakaete  hitori aruku yo GLORIOUS DAYS

I want to erase that cloud and enlighten your future
Embracing this dream, I'll walk alone GLORIOUS DAYS

ano niji wo watatte  ano asa ni kaeritai
ano yume wo narabete  futari aruita GLAMOROUS DAYS

I want to walk across that rainbow to return to that morning
the dreams side by side, we both walked GLAMOROUS DAYS

GLAMOROUS SKY...

GLAMOROUS SKY...

Translated and transliterated by busbuddy

Personally this song has been my movie OST favorite until Reira entered and stole the scene. Owaranai Story just got my heart swayed—that was when I thought of love as something sacred or something to cherish. But then it isn’t the actual thing. I was blinded by those times. Anyway, this song isn’t the main theme of this post. I just added it since it’s my current ALSS [Auto Last Song Syndrome, heard from nowhere but from the insides of my brain transmitted to my vocal cords, etc.]

I would really want to create a blog post about UP’s miraculous win which sort of disappointed me. However, when these eerie feelings came by to visit me again, I couldn’t help but write about it. Another rant slash implied post was therefore set to be published.

I cannot define what’s real and what’s not. Yeah, many blurbs of the people around me kind of point out to the one same thing the other is implying. Who cares then? Should I listen? I don’t really think it’s needed. Should I believe? I won’t listen so why would I analyze it? By the way it is being repeated in my ear for the last 30 days already. I digressed. I would not want it to remain in my long-term memory…

As much as I would want to elaborate that, I really find it hard to be fed into my mind. I mean, come on. My mind is cluttered and has been cluttered since the beginning of time. And to add some nonsense this-and-that would make it more cluttered and unorganized, losing some important space for something more productive. I really do not want to believe, because seeing is believing. Faith do not apply so much on me for I seek the evidences and not “trust” the yet unknown things. Besides, I rely too much on my gut feeling that I would not want to at least attempt to do the things I already have done—I’ve dealt with losses because of believing waaay back in my life’s early stages.

He couldn’t blame me. We both know the fact that my mindset is fixed. Once something has been settled, I wouldn’t mind digging it, but the resolve has already been done and decided. No matter how much it costs him or how much time will be lost because of my disbelief, or how many lives could practically be ruined because of my will, I wouldn’t risk being hurt again. Plain immature thinking. It is rather logical, since the argument here is that, why hurt yourself again if you’ve been hurt by that same thing for a thousand times? My logic is contorted. Right, I know.

If most people find my decision stupid and not worth living up to this moment, then fine, think of it that way. As long as the two words that matter to me are existing, I could still endure everything. Definitely it’s stupid and non-Christian. Whatever to that. Patience is a virtue, as they say. But I think endurance is coupled with patience in order for it to take its full effect. That one thing could be found in that person, but I guess all the wordplays and all the redundancies must’ve made me sick and tired already… not to mention bored.

He would want me to think of everything as part of the recent past that is yet to be forgotten and buried somewhere else, and to be reclaimed by tons of new physical interaction and lots of the so-called emotional attachment. Kinda good to hear, those lines like “let’s throw the past away and leave it all behind”, “we’ll do more good memories and it will bury every bad thing in the past”, and so on, and so forth.

How come I would want to believe him somehow yet my gut feel strictly tells me it’s something I shouldn’t settle amicably?

Probably my plans will just have to push through. I don’t care whether repercussions are the worst, or if Karma down hits me. Bring it on.

I’m Still Alive!

Originally Posted at Multiply

I am still in the hype of my accident yesterday. Ooh that was the finest thing that ever occurred to me in my almost 20 years of existence. It was my first vehicular accident, all alone by myself. And I survived dramatically. Kidding. It didn't hurt that much anyway, and I still got the chance to be a cam whore while at the hospital. Believe me, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. :)
I was randomly walking (not really) to my next class (at 10 am) walking along Magsaysay St. near Ylanan Gym--and that's the fastest way to NCPAG. Suddenly, out of nowhere (not nowhere okay behind me) a motorcycle came rushing and beeping to the last minute. I didn't know the next events, but I realized I was down at the asphalt road, and the BLAG was my head. I got up instantly and looked around me. It all looked bleak and sepia-ish. Whatever. I saw a man and a woman hurrying to me and assisting me to the roadside, making me sit down and analyze what has happened. Oh yes, I had an accident. 

Anyway, that happened too fast. The next thing was I was at the UP Health Service (Infirmary) beside SC and I already had texted my mom and boyfriend about what happened to me. Ooh and they hurried up to rush to the ER to see me lying in one of the beds succumbed to nothing. :)) 

Upon arriving, my parents had arranged the whatsoevers with the UPD Police (thanks to them for the blotter report). They decided to bring me to The Medical City at Ortigas and together with my boyfriend, mom went to Prof Cuaresma to tell her that I can't come to class that day.

The ER people at TMC were so kind to assist me and bring me there immediately to have my X-ray and all. And so is my boyfriend who was with me the entire time. I didn't feel pain because he was there, duh. :))

I wanted to get myself some souvenirs for my first time at the hospital in an accident involving myself, so I asked the radiologist to take a picture of me while I was wearing the hospital gown and all. :D 

So there, I didn't look much of someone who had an accident that was grave or whatsoever. :) I was sorta hyped with what happened to me. I didn't get any trauma of Motorcycles but took this experience as a lesson for me: DO NOT BE STUPID WHILE AT ROADS OR PUBLIC PLACES!!
I end this blog post telling everyone my thanks for their concern and get-well-soon-wishes for me. :) I can now go to school tomorrow. The x-ray results say that nothing in my bones and skull were fractured and damaged. Just the muscular pain due to the impact of the epic fail. :))

Undefined

I’m writing tonight because I cannot sleep. I also can’t cry my eyes out anymore. Somehow, there seems to be only a few tears left to fall. Tomorrow, maybe my eyes will go Chinese again, but I don’t care. If these would be the last tears I ought to cry before I leave the rest to God, then it should be.

I haven’t thought of the faith journey speeches and the impacts of God on people on our church before that much. I usually listen and hear of them losing loved ones, telling of the trials, and of their childhood—yes, I’m interested, but I do not internalize the message. That maybe is because although I regularly attend to and exchange witty comments on our Wednesday Bible Study every two weeks, I really don’t have that strong Christian faith most of them have. Personally, I know that I might be some sort of an agnostic and a half, or maybe a quarter of an atheist or whatever unimaginable mix it could be. I knew doctrines and historical accounts of the Catholic and Protestant church, but they just battle in my head making my faith drop down to almost absolute zero.

And if there was someone who constantly reminds me to trust in God and all those faith-related stuff, that would be my dad. Ever since I was a kid, he taught me about that—stories on how he got into Engineering with God’s guidance and passed the Board Exam because of Him—still  it didn’t become part of my regular mindset. Yes, I pray, but only to get my caprices and thanks to God I got a truckload of presents that are quite expensive yearly. Now as I get older, I realize what he has been telling me all along: everything comes freely from Him. That I could not contest, since I’ve lived a happy yet dramatic life because I’m a Drama Queen without any reason to be dramatic. I always get what I want since I was little. Maybe I’m fit to be called a spoiled brat after all.

This time, God cannot give me something I need. I know I always asked from Him sorts of things like straight A’s, line of 9’s, gadgets, and other material stuff or ego boosting sorts of things, but when I ask of something really priceless, obviously it won’t go my way now. I won’t blame Him for that. I’ve asked for too much. If I could have it, then I would be the luckiest girl on earth, not to mention the happiest. But I’ve lost hope already. Maybe it’s just right to leave it all that way. Maybe it’s really my dad’s time to leave me. Maybe it’s about time I learn to keep important people in my priority list. Maybe it’s the right opportunity for me to wake up and realize what I should be and what I could be… or maybe I should fix my values and redefine myself… whatever. My concern here is not to be the best daughter, but to be the best failure who got up and redeemed herself.

If this post should be called an oath, I bet this would be the worst I’ve promised. I cannot state how sorry or regretful I am for the path I took right after passing the entrance exam—including all the 5’s and the INC’s and the 4’s I garnered throughout my boring 3 and a half years in college. It’s time to settle to the greater side of things. I think he would be happier to leave me when I become at least upright in the final stages of my teen life. I hated myself before, and now I think it would be best to love 'myself’ again… hoping it would do me something good.

He always wished and hoped and planned everything for my future, for me to live a full and happy life while he’s around or not. From that, I will definitely do my share of the labor.

I don’t know how to deal with every obstacle, but I think I’ll be stronger than my tougher side now. And I’m doing this for myself, just as you would want me to.

Omokage- Reminiscence

Main Entry:

rem·i·nis·cence

Pronunciation:

\-ˈni-s^ən(t)s\

Function:

noun

Date:

1589

1: apprehension of a Platonic idea as if it had been known in a previous existence

2 a: recall to mind of a long-forgotten experience or fact b: the process or practice of thinking or telling about past experiences

3 a: a remembered experience b: an account of a memorable experience —often used in plural4: something so like another as to be regarded as an unconscious repetition, imitation, or survival

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reminiscence

 

 

It’s not about that word. It’s about this song, and it has suddenly came out from reading two words from somewhere in the net: true north. The song is entitled Omokage and this was Shaman King’s second ending song. My mind has been filled by anime and anime alone for the second half of my current existence—meaning since I reached the age of 10 or 11. From that period of time, many animes dominated my existence—to the point that it became my defining ‘characteristic’ up to this time.

One of the most popular defining anime was Shaman King, the anime that started my fanfiction.net career (if that’s how we term it). It was that time when I transferred to a new school, and everything was new. Shaman King was aired and became the reason that I rush out of II-OL Rosary’s classroom every afternoon, the reason why I became close friends with Katrina and Loren, and the reason why my desk was filled with vandals of ヨウ beneath the plastic cover and all the rest of fangirlish stuffs I was in to during 2nd year high school.

I liked everything about Shaman King, although now, as I look back, it’s not really an admirable plot to begin with. It is finally plain in my sight now. The greatness about Yoh Asakura has been trampled by Uchiha Sasuke, and now, by several living guys in my age group. But what remained in my memory was this song, this one rendered by Megumi Hayashibara as Kyouyama Anna’s seiyuu:

 

Original / Romaji Lyrics
English Translation

kagami ni utsuru yokogao ni
kimi o kasanete
My heart is breaking.
surinuketeyuku kaze no you ni
tsukami kirenai
Why is it you?

at the side view of the face reflected in the mirror
I place you over it and
my heart is breaking
like the passing wind
I can't catch it
why is it you?

todoku koto no nai yubisaki
hitori ni giri shimeteru
kawasu koto no nai kotoba o
yozora no hoshi ni nagashi

the finger tips that will never reach
I hold them alone
the words that will never be exchanged are
drifted into the stars in the night sky

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
I made up my mind.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
I made up my mind

nani mo iwanai kuchibiru no
oku de kanjiru
You are my true north.
kimi no koe o kizandeiru
kotoba ijou ni
I know enough.

the lips that will never say anything
I feel it deep within
you are my true north
leaving your voice
more than words
I know enough

aishiteru to tsubuyaku yori
kitto kokoro ga yureru
koishiteru to tsutaeru yori
kizuna ga fukaku natte

instead of whispering that you love me
my heart is probably swaying
instead of saying you're in love
the relationship gets deeper

ima hitori ja nai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I'm not alone now
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

mou furimukanai
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
kimi to umareta akashi
Ah tadayotteiru
kokoro no kiri no hate
Ah kanashimi sae   setsunasa sae
norikoete ike sou de
Ah mune ni daita
kimi no omokage ima
I will take it there.

I won't turn back
ah even sadness, even loneliness
is the proof that we were born
ah the flowing
end of my heart
ah even sadness, even loneliness
seems like it can be endured
ah held it to myself
your reminiscent and now
I will take it there

Transliterated by P Whalan pdwhalan@bigpond.net.au>

Translated by mink309


http://minknokobeya.wordpress.com/

 

It wasn’t for the tune that I was hooked in this song, but at the time I was writing Shaman King fanfics, I somewhat associated this song to Kyouyama Anna. If there was one female anime character I could closely relate myself with, it must be her (besides Tsukamoto Tenma).

Since Shaman King wave has long gone and I’ve parted ways with the “addicts” we were before, it might seem easier to forget this. But still, the melody lingers in my head as if it was only now that I’m hearing it for the first time.

I. Me. Myself.

Honestly, I’m at a state of emotional downtime right now. Problems have arrived, both internally and externally. I’m not writing this for angst’s sake or because I want to have a tell-all for those who will pass by my blog, but I’m writing this out of removing the guilt/hurt/sadness and all the negative things coming into my mind today. Sure, I might have all the bitterness here, but I must say that I did things that somewhat blew off my constant system. What was I thinking anyway? Here I am wondering why I had done everything. Ooh. Talking about ‘jumping into the cliff without thinking twice’. Since it all started with my impulsive behavior, it also should end that way.

I bet anyone who’s reading this can’t get straight to my point. I’m talking about all instances here, but I do not wish to specify. I can’t put myself to cry although I want to. I would want to do that, but maybe my tears were taken by Optimus Prime’s earlier death (but he was resurrected… ooh, spoiler mode). Hmn, Michael Jackson’s death hasn’t done any effect with this. Again, out of impulse, I’ve been doing this. I would also not want to elaborate this.

Okay. Let me rant. Or rather let me just blabber even just for a little space in my blog. Let me type nothingness with some sense into this. I know it is foolish. But then again, I don’t think I’m happy nor sad about it. Some part of my emotions are breaking down into two parts. My mind wants me to concentrate on my dad’s illness. My heart also does that. Maybe the shock about my dad’s illness and the fact that he doesn’t want to pursue medication blew my mind off. Because of that, I don’t want to be happy. But I also don’t want to be sad. So I think being sorta neutral but wavering to the depths of loneliness will make me feel better.

I’ve grown up now. I could finally recognize what would benefit me emotionally. When it comes to financial part, I don’t think I'll rely on anyone like my parents. I would want to concentrate on my studies now. I believe that some ultimate force must’ve told my mind that it would be best for now if I do focus on my studies—and I should do something immediately about it. I’m just worrying about a lot of things, but I think I should take someone’s word for that.

From this point of time, I’m at a loss of what to do. My daily activities would not change. I think I won’t speak about anything for now. And I should end something too. I know it’s folly if I’d be too engrossed with directing my attention to other things, and leave my social life behind, but I think I need that. I would try to change my bitchy ways from now on. I’ll try to be nicer. No, I’ll not try but I’ll start being nicer to most people.

Whether I hurt anyone during the process or gave hope to anyone, I don’t want to know. What’s important is that I could live normally.

My life’s been abnormal for the last 4 years. I want to revert it to the normal way it was. I really hope I could do that.

Love Contract

Nonfiction, true. Yeah, this all occurred to me. I don’t care if you believe this or not, but I’m totally honest in all the contents this post. And I believe I need to let this out of my system one last time.

Taiwanese drama of the same title, I sorta had the same experience but not quite the enemies-turned-lovers thingy in romance dramas type. It is more of a willing entrapment (how ironic) between two people in order to stay good together. Is there such a thing like making this paperwork just for the sake of staying together? Actually, I may correct it and shrink it into a simpler word, it’s for complacency.

I may have appeared so ‘legal’ in everything that had occurred to me in the past: my mom returning ‘confiscated novels and drawings of anime’ in return for me being the class’ top one or topping a Periodical Test in the next quarter will have to have a written contact signed by me and her, me receiving a thousand pesos for every merit card during my PCC days would also involve a contract-signing between me and my mom (again), and also most verbal contracts between me and my dad would end up in paper. Just as I thought it would be for the security of everything we’ve agreed on, now I realized it’s nothing but a statement that tells me I’m such a desperate person.

In my relationship, I’ve had 2 contracts in the past. One was something like a TRO to him when I felt so mad and all. The contract states that he will stay away from me (or we’ll not see each other technically) for 25 days including the February 14th of that year (yeah I know it sucks for you guys to miss Valentine’s Day with your girlfriend). I thought that was the worst I could do to him, but then we kinda created another one which didn’t really have an impact before. It was more of another agreement that would make me calm down whenever I feel insecure or unfeeling towards something related to him. Yes, he’s experienced my highs and lows in my emotional stability, and I believe he should be lauded for his persistence.

However, this time, it was different. I may be in the best emotional slash mental condition right now and he demanded for a newer and more ‘legal’ sort of contract. I was taken aback. What the hell entered his mind that he proposed this to me? I ran along the memories of what we’ve been seriously dealing and talking. Oh, right. I think I might have said harsher and meaner things like ‘I don’t really believe you anymore’ and ‘I don’t believe you’ll be ever faithful to me’ and finally, ‘I don’t trust your love’. Ah, my tongue. I wish this was taken by a cat during those times. I’m always compulsive with the words I throw back and forth. I’m always the ‘not really thinking, jumping into conclusions and jumping into the unknown’ type of person. Something tells me that my gut feeling is always right, that I have no better options than jumping into this ‘new, unchartered territory’.

I wanted to refuse his written contract proposal, but then I thought of the times I demanded this from him. I didn’t know what to think of his sudden actions, I’m just surprised that he could go this far. Guilt trip again, friends. This nearly want me to erase my existence… but I cannot, of course. I decided just to say my quick and unwavering ‘okay’ to him, and asked him to draft this proposed contract. I thought of what would be the end of that deal for me, what I would get if I do agree, and what might be the consequences of this sudden thing we’re seriously agreeing on. Definitely, this is stranger than I thought. No one is sane enough to ask his 19-year old freakin’ stubborn girlfriend to marry him and all, right? I still doubted the sanity of this person up to this moment. Again, comes the why me part and all. I do not want to elaborate everything, but yeah, it is utterly stupid. I won’t call him all the pretty mean names I wanted to call him because of that. Because in reality, I might be the one who’s waaay stupider or foolish than him. That, we do not know yet.

As I stare blankly at the LCD monitor of Hazel-PC, I knew I needed to edit this thing into my liking. Yes, this is the perfect chance of dominating and getting the upper-hand. He’ll probably agree and not question anyway, since he told me he was doing this for himself as well. Why waste energy arguing with an argumentative person? I don’t know why, but he’s pretty good at arguing with me and making me stop. Even my mother cannot control my war freak tendencies. So is my dad. Anyway, I typed specific things at the 6th item and made it go up to half a page. After sending the revisions, he agreed with most of those things I added. A few talks, and I printed my copy. I didn’t sign yet even as I instructed him to do so in his own copy, because as a girl, I think I would change my mind the very minute or so. I didn’t.

Yesterday, around this time, we signed it. It was idiotic, yes, because it’s sort of binding yourself to a person into a ruse and with the use of obviously illegal documents you simply created to serve as your emotional outlet. Yep. I summarized the two-paged, 8 and a half by 11 inch paper document that contains the things we’re insecure of, and things we wish would happen and or intend to happen in the near future. The font size was 11, and the font was Verdana (my personal favorite). I didn’t care even if it’s stupidity that time. I guess, there’s really something I want to prove him all along. Maybe, that could be the love thing. I guess, I really do love this guy after all (say cheesy all you want, reader!).

 

I NEED to go to SCHOOL!!

Sabi nga ni B sa Plurk nya kanina, bukas may pasok na. Nag-react ako kasi akala ko Linggo pa rin. Tapos nang mapatingin ako sa YM at sa message ni JM, ayun. Alas dose pasado na nga. At bukas nga, papasok na rin kami. Hinding-hindi na ko makapaghintay. Ano nga bang meron sa sem na to at sobra ang excitement level ko? Biruin mo katatapos lang halos ng Summer classes. Sabagay, maaari ngang inubos ko na ang “sense and feeling” ng summer break dun sa 4-day getaway ko sa labas ng Pinas. Kaya pagkatapos ng paguran doon e heto ako’t nagdedemmand na mag-enrollment na at ngayon nga, mag-klase na.

Kung hindi ba naman kasi dumating at napalaganap yang A(H1N1) na lintik na yan e hindi naman magiging atrasado ang pasukan (hence, pati Sembreak nadedelikadong maatras). Naiinis pa rin ako sa fact na dumating ang pandemic na yon. Panira ng matiwasay na AY 09-10. Pampasira ng Acad Calendar. Di ko pa rin nababalitaan kung ano na ang bagong Acad Calendar. Baka maging kalunos-lunos na ang schedule ng buong UP system. Hindi yon mapipigilan. Haay, ang sarap mag ‘haay’. Di ko na rin alam kung pano makatulog dahil sa excitement ko bukas.

Sawang-sawa na ko sa kaka- MfW, kaka-Plurk, kaka-FB, kaka-FS, kaka-YM, kaka-marathon, kaka-sine, kaka-nood ng TV, kaka-record ng palabas at lahat na ng ‘kakang’ nagagawa mo lang nang matagal na matagal kapag bakasyon o holiday. Inip na inip na ko, parang kahit anong gawin ko e ayoko na ng bakasyon. Nakakasawa na lahat nito kasi less effort. Wala kang ginagawa kundi magpaka-slacker sa harapan ng laptop at magsabi ng walang kapararakan. Buti pa sa eskwelahan, umupo ka lang sa classroom ng isang oras at kalahati, panigurado may papasok sa utak mo kahit kaunti. E sa FB at kung saan pa, wala kang pinagpipistahan kundi ang mga wall posts ng kaibigan at hindi mo kilala, ang mga quizzes na puro kasinungalingan o hula o tsambang tugma sa iyo, at mga litratong ang sarap komentan pero wala kang magawa kaya mo nilagyan ng comment. Kung ganito lang nang ganito ang lagay, walang papasok sa kukote ko kundi mga bagay na hindi naman ako posibleng matutulungan sa magiging trabaho ko o buhay pagkatapos ng kolehiyo.

Naiinggit ako sa mga may pasok na mamaya. Makikita na nila ang mga college friends at professors nila. Makakapagchikahan na nang bonggang-bongga. Makakasilay na sa dapat sinisilayan. Magkakaroon na ng allowance…

Di bale, bukas, ako rin. :)

 

countdown: 30 hours, 5 minutes and something seconds.

All About “J”

Yes, this letter has been invading my mind for the past 7 years now. What’s with this letter that almost everything related to the things that make me go in hanyaan mode involves it? Hmn. Let me enumerate some of it, but please, do not react violently.

 

1. First off is the set of “Johns” in our 2nd year OL Rosary classroom. :)
2. Next is the J’s in my closest guy friends’ names (June, JM, John Gerard, JJJ…).
3. Then third would be initial J of the hated person I had in 3rd year Rose of Lima (no name dropping :D)
4. Followed by my first boyfriend’s first name during 4th year high school
5. Then the nickname of one of my suitors starts with it,
6. Add up to the list would be the name of my first Asian guy idol and crush, Mr. Jerry Yan
7. Seconded by Jay Chou during 4th year high school, thanks to Inital D Live Action (and JKP for introducing him)
8. Then another hated person for end of High School :)
9. And yet another, why would I forget, my first crush during Elementary school, James…
10. Don’t forget High School’s viral J crush :D
11. College days had more than 7 friends with the J initial (JR, Jill, Jester, and a lot more).
12. Had another J Chinese (this time Mainland) crush, he is Jun Ning
13. Ooh, speaking of Jun, my other hot Japanese guy during High School is Arashi’s Jun Matsumoto (Tsukasa of HYD)
14. Then Jun Pyo and Ji Hoo comes along during College (BBF)
15. Still, JS is my current boyfriend,
16. At College, encountered many Jose’s in NCPAG (yea you know who you are :))
17. At UP, encountered the JJ’s in this recent UP Fair (Jumping Jologs, XD)
18. And finally, J is the first letter of my favorite country, JAPAN :)

 

I know there would be more to this that I haven’t included, but this shall do for the meantime. I should add to this if anything comes my way related to this.

Report

Kanina, matiwasay na natapos ang aming isinagawang pagtitipon ukol sa mga Gore Films—kabilang na dito ang Re-animator: Bride of Re-animator, Beyond Re-animator, at ang Hellraiser Series. Masaya naman kami kahit kakaunti lang talaga at hindi naman ganon kagulo. Kasi naman, expected rin naman ay tatlong tao lang. Buti nga at nakadalo nga si C. Kaya ayun, naging magulo lang nang kaunti ang pagtitipon. Nang malaman naming sa 2010 ay mayroong Re-animator Part 4 ay halos magtatalon kami sa tuwa. Nang dahil don, na-inspire na ipagpatuloy ang educational naming gawain sa pamamagitan ng pagsasagawa muli ng isang Gore Marathon Part 4 sa pagtatapos ng bakasyon (extended kasi). Kaya ayan na nga at may bagong event nanaman sa Facebook kaming ginawa kanina lamang.

Maagang napa-uwi ng bahay ang mga kasama namin kaya as usual si Hani naman ang last man standing na kasama kong nanood hanggang part 4 lang ng Hellraiser. Medyo nakakabitin nga lang kasi hindi namin malaman kung papaano magsisimula ang part 5 sa ganung klase ng ending. Pero sige, binitin muna namin para rin next time mas maraming mapanood pa at hindi maubusan sa Gore Mara Part 4. Ang weird lang kasi na-hook ako kaagad sa Hellraiser samantalang hindi ko pinapansin ang ganoong uri ng pelikula noong araw. Parang naisip ko pa nga na, “Ano ba namang klaseng tao tong si B, ang hilig sa ganito…” pero di nagtagal ay eto ako at naghahangad pang makapanood nang mas marami.

Pero iyon nga lang, wala kaming gaanong mahikayat na makisama sa aming butihing gawain na ipamahagi ang ganda ng gore films sa kapwa namin estudyante o kaibigan. Medyo sensitibo kasi ang nilalaman ng mga pelikulang tulad ng Re-animator, at may pagka-porn at atheist ang dating nito sa karamihan. Napapaatras rin namin sila dahil ito nga ay gory—madugo, kadiri, eew, yuck, at kung anu-ano pa. Masasabing ang may matitibay lang na sikmura ang makakakain ng spaghetti o kaldereta pagkatapos ng ganitong pelikula (o habang ito ay pinanonood pa lamang).

Kanina, sopas na tinanggalan ng guts ang aming kinain. Hindi kasi ako palo sa ginawa ng nanay ko na may halong atay. Alam naman niyang ayaw ko kaya hiwalay ang kinain namin. Buti nalang at hindi niya itinuloy ang spaghetti at carbonara kahit alam niyang paborito ko iyon. Binalaan ko kasi na walang kakain non, sapagkat ganung klaseng pelikula nga ang pagpipistahan ng mga mata namin kinalaunan. Buti nalang at naniwala nga siya sa akin at hindi niya ipinilit ang gusto niya.

Kaya sa susunod na gore mara ay iniimbitahan ko ang karamihan sa mga inimbitang hindi nagsidalo upang makisali at masaksihan kung ano nga ba ang gore sa buhay ng tao (oo, alam kong wala talagang kinalaman pero trip ko lang talaga na sabihin yon). Join na!

Excitement, Enrollment, Enchantment

I’m writing this post-enrollment post not only to say that CRS is still as crappy as ever, but also to hail UP-NCPAG for its outstanding enrollment assistance for this new academic year (kudos to the SC people).

I woke up as late as 12 PM only to realize that my “5 minutes more” mantra failed me in my quest to get a PE for this sem. So I screwed up bigtime, but then I still hoped that I’ll be on UP Diliman on time for the TriCol enlistment. So I settled to go for the goal by 12 by eating brunch with my parents. Not long after that, Hani came and joined me to school. Lei was also off to Miriam College, so we went along together.

Upon arriving at Katips, it was raining so hard that the jeepney’s “plastic cover” seemed to have flown out and got me a bit wet. Luckily, the terminal is under the flyover and so we had to walk shielded from the downpour. It was already 1:40 and we parted ways with Lei. Off to the campus we go. At 1:50 (and that was quick), the new road that was built from UP IS's grounds that was finally constructed led us to the campus proper. And so we stopped at Ylanan road only to take the shortcut Toj taught me to NCPAG—going through CSWCD. In a matter of minutes, we were to cross the road to NCPAG.

Emma kindly had my Form 5a printed before I came in (thanks Emma!) and so I went on with step 2. It was Prof Alampay who did the enlistment, and it was the first time that I saw him face to face. Hokay. So much for that. I texted mom to tell her that I needed them ASAP for the money. And so they hurried to school. It still rained so hard.

Minutes passed and CRS was down again. Everyone who hasn’t got their Form 5a’s printed were jinxed. Oh yes, they have to wait for it again. This glitch happened twice (as far as I recall). The longest process was at the e-Prerog, because of that glitch.

After the long wait, it was all smooth and I only have to wait a short 20-minute interval before I can write at my form 5a neatly. Yeah. I think I am already a master when it comes to filling up Form 5’s (because I’ve been doing this for 6 sems and 3 summers already!). I had to switch to another 191 section because Sir Florano’s was closed. Anyway, added money since it’s my only WF class and it’s morning. Yay me.

The rest of the processes and steps continued and I breezed through it. Thanks again to the NCPAG SC. Anyway, upon payment, it’s still raining hard I have to shield my Form 5 from the drops. I had to literally place it under my blouse. Lols to that.

We drove to SC and then had it paid through PNB. But then it closed before 4 PM and we had to be on the line at the Cashier. It was sad, because the cut-off happened before 5PM. I dunno if it really was until 4PM and they only catered because of the long uncut queue, but either way I’m happy because I was in the last 15 people. Yes, after that, I’m officially enrolled.

As my 4th year in UP nears, I promised myself to become a bit more responsible in acads. Oh, and I might try joining an org before leaving UP. But no, not only for the sake of being not the “orgless ones” in the campus but also of course to grant my lifelong dream (well not really). I do believe I should really join one lawfully in the long run. :) And this year, I’ll definitely apply one last time and NOT defer.

 

Missing Out

Okay, so normally I won't rant about missing church... but what my cousin has told me made me do it.

Earlier, they asked me if I would come, and I said I'll pass this Sunday since I'm still worn out by last time's happenings. They left and then my cousin texted me: ate, sayang, hinahanap ka ni Chinito kanina. tingin nang tingin sa sasakyan nyo. sayang talaga.

I laughed at it. Siguro isa lang to sa pakana nila para magsimba na talaga ako palagi. Yes, I admit that I am secretly stalking this church guy--he's been in my blog posts since last year (about twice). He has a well built, good stance, nice spiky hair, chinese eyes, fair white complexion and glasses that lure me. He wears dressed-to-kill whenever I see him on church. Although he's not a regular church goer, I spot him out of the many. He gained my attaction that is besoughted by many. Okay. So I made a reality check. The kid won't lie to me.

They arrived at around 1 in the afternoon and my cousin excitedly narrated what she saw that had happened. I countered her statements with baka naman iba yung tinitingnan nya, baka naman yung matatanda ang gusto nya, baka ibang sasakyan yun, baka hindi talaga ako yung hinahanap nya, baka di naman talaga siya naghihintay.. and so on. But what made me think is the statement she said and I quote, Pinaguusapan kasi nung lalaki at ni Chinito kung bakit di pa bumababa ikaw, e wala ka naman don. Tsaka tutok na tutok yung mata sa sasakyan. Binasa pa nga yung UP car sticker nyo e.

Again, if thtat was for the exaggeration, I don't care. But then when she added that Lingon nang lingon sa amin, I said na baka ikaw yung gusto. Then she countered itwith sa kotse nakalingon nung wala na ako eh. I thought of it. She added this much to my disappointment, Ang gara pa ng suot nya this sunday. Akalain mong nakaporma talaga.

Oh well. Whatever it was, I missed out on Chinito. Next Sunday, I'll really come. Of course I want to go to church rin naman. It's just that I won't waste my stamina on Saturday so I could go early to church. :) Let's see kung tama si Crystal.

Super Long Time No Post

Oh yes, I did it again. I failed to post in my precious blog (how cheesy!). Anyway, I just came from a 4-day vacation abroad. Yeah, I’ve been to the land of the chinitos: Hong Kong. And by far, I haven’t spotted any chinito cuter that someone. ;)

So the four days was all about merry-making and travel. Let me tell you about my summer class’s ending. It was so good that I got a 2 in my Pol Sc 14. Happy? Of course! Even with a three I’d be happy to have that.

And so after al those happy times, it’s time for the hard times: Academic year 2009-2010 1st semester enrollment. Everyone loathes this. CRS is down, you are not sure of your subjects, and you have to fall in line at the looooong queue. Oh, that’s not the worst part: it’s the part where you will be rejected in a subject you aim for.

Because of that, I have myself quipped for June 3. Ready or not, here I come!

Really, I’m Fine

 

this is my Taiwanese Song of the Month :)

[Hot Shot Code (Hot Shot OST) Track number 6]

---------------------------------

真的, 我沒事 - 符致逸

On and on the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
我竟遠比想像中軟弱且無能為力
對你的眼神選擇了逃避
恨自己 恨自己
On and on the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
就讓我被悔不當初的罪惡吞去
懲罰過後能否帶來解脫
I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried listening to God
讓堅強不只是種偽裝
So many lies listening to you
天亮後 I will be fine
On and on the pain goes on
and I just don't know how to cope
伸手抱住自己是否就能夠不再空虛
最後信念 別放棄
I will be fine
So many cried listening to you
希望你能再給我力量
So many lies listening to you
什麼時候 I will be fine
當我再也不對任何事期待
只剩下你 只剩下你
有天當我捨棄一切見你
請妳要微笑不語
So many cried listening to you
希望你能再給我力量
So many lies listening to you
什麼時候 I will be fine

------------------------------------------

Zhen De, Wo Mei Shi – Fu Zhi Yi

On and on the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
wo jing yuan bi xiang xiang zhong ruan nuo jie wu neng wei li
dui ni de yan shen xuan zhe le tao bi
hen zi ji hen zi ji
On and on the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
jiu rang wo bei hui bu dang chu de zui e tun qu
cheng fa guo hou neng fou dai lai jie tuo
I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried listening to God
rang jian qiang bu zhi shi zhong wei zhuang
So many lies listening to you
tian liang hou I will be fine
On and on the pain goes on
and I just don't know how to cope
shen shou bao zhu zi ji shi fou jiu neng gou bu zai kong xu
zui hou xin nian bie fang qi
I will be fine
So many cried listening to you
xi wang ni neng zai gei wo li liang
So many lies listening to you
shen me shi hou I will be fine
dang wo zai ye bu dui ren he shi qi dai
zhi sheng xia ni zhi sheng xia ni
you tian dang wo she qi yi jie jian ni
qing ni yao wei xiao bu yu
So many cried listening to you
xi wang ni neng zai gei wo li liang
So many lies listening to you
shen me shi hou I will be fine

 

------------------------------------------

Really, I'm Fine - Adrian Fu

On and on the pain goes on
And it wouldn't just wouldn't die
I'm far weaker and more powerless than I thought
I chose to avoid your eyes
Hate myself, hate myself
On and on the pain lives on
It's hurting so much more
Just let the sin of regret swallow me
Will the punishment bring salvation
I'll be fine I'll be fine
So many cried listening to God
Let being strong not only a show
So many lies listening to you
When morning comes, I will be fine
On and on the pain goes on
and I just don't know how to cope
Will hugging myself fill the emptiness
The last faith, don't give up
I will be fine
So many cried listening to you
I hope you can give me the strength again
So many lies listening to you
When I will be fine
When I no longer look forward to anything
Only you are left, only you are left
If one day, I leave behind everything to see you
Please smile without saying anything
So many cried listening to you
I hope you can give me the strength again
So many lies listening to you
When I will be fine

Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t know if this should be the right title since I didn’t have any positive thoughts about my doubts. I looked up this idiom in a certain website I always look for answers (take note: not Google :)) but this is what I saw and it bothered me more if this should be the appropriate title:

A favorable judgment granted in the absence of full evidence.

Okay, so I was taken aback and I thought of it again. Maybe I NEED TO GIVE THIS ONE in order for me to stop grumbling and be merely satisfied with all of the things that I could assumingly touch, see, hear and analyze. Yes, I have always been skeptical to most things, especially with romance. If I could count the moments I had lost “loves” because of this, my 10 fingers would not be enough to count them. The best word could be cynical, and in fact, my cynicism reached lengths where I can’t control it—detesting and contesting such obvious scenarios and instances one has done to me. All I ask for are proofs, but when I thought of it, those proofs I was looking for since then were right in front of me. Was I blinded or is it just because of the long run state of disbelief I am having? Should we call it paranoia?

I rethink of it for a dozen of times daily. I ponder, weigh, analyze, solve… what else should I do in order for me to firmly believe that such love exists? I can’t accept it. I do not believe it. Those things I perceive could be folly, that’s why I won’t give in to the emotional attachment and mental connections… but each day it becomes harder to resist it. I gave up the physical part of my entire whole being—the one that’s dubbed to be the “most important thing in the world”—for I believe that is not the thing you are loosing, but it’s more on the emotional prowess that takes you away from yourself. You can lose the physical thing for about a million of times, but when it’s your heart and spirit that you’ll be giving away… that’s another thing. You can always replace the physical attraction, but the other things that go along with it will make you awestricken and give up everything you own (not the song, okay).

It is true that it’s hard to find real answers in the real world. Nobody knows everything and everything knows nobody. Everything can happen to anyone, but anyone cannot happen to have everything. Yes, I will confuse myself and others deeper so that with this confusion, I might be able to shield my inner weakling and appear as another so-so living in this earth—with nothing but my corporal entity as a representative. Oh yes, I admit that I’ve been doing my best to encounter everything starting the day I stepped into college, though it might literally and figuratively kill me someday. At least, I got a taste of things not every 40-year old has… (credits to a certain movie)

Math, Science, Beauty

It’s been a long, long time since my last blog post. And I am writing this afternoon for the sake of a new April post. As you can see, I am more active in writing during the first two months of the year and also during semestral breaks. Right now, I’m attending summer classes and because of it, I’m having a great time.

I think I have already said that I liked STS more than any subject that I’ve taken so far. It’s been enlightening, informative, and at the same time entertaining to me. Not that the speakers were simply funny, but they were among the best, or the best in their field of specialization. Most of our speakers or lecturers were college deans and department heads, or secretaries of great colleges in our university. They all have something interesting to share, and at times even though their topic is non-existent in a teenager’s life or not yet given much importance, it really gets us hooked into it.

For instance, the other day, the lecture was about Math and Beauty. Well, we can’t blame why almost everyone in our class dislikes the subject math. We’ve been either traumatized during high school or earlier in our college life (Math 17 and the Math series especially for CS and Eng’g students). But our lecturer proved that the existence of beauty is basically including math and also math is really beautiful. All nature could either have the Goldens: Golden Ratio, Rectangle, Triangle, or the hailed Fibonacci sequence. Da Vinci Code fans could totally relate to these. Polygons, like the hexagon, is also found in several natural sceneries. It is still debatable if God really is the ultimate mathematician since He created everything around us. Is math really created by a person or was it just discovered by someone? Still, I cannot confidently answer that question. What I am sure of is that Math is definitely everywhere and it could not be taken away by anything nor anyone.

Confessions of a Mafia Wars Addict

I was walking along Robinsons Galleria Food Court earlier when I saw a kiosk named ____ Pac with Pacman’s (the game thing, not Manny P.) picture beside it. I laughed, and I told him that I read it wrong, I thought it was “Energy Pak” (see, I even forgot the kiosk’s name!). I realized I was really hooked at Mafia Wars, another of Facebook’s hundreds of thousands of applications. Everything I came across today simply reminded me of it. For instance, aside from the ____ Pac store, I also thought of the Chinese Action Film showed on the bus we were riding earlier as relevant to Mafia Wars—wherein it has scenes of gunfights and the like. I am so in to this game that every morning, this has been my ritual instead of Plurk. And every time I receive an Energy Pak, I am elated.

It’s not only me that is addicted to this browser game. Most of my Facebook friends are Mafia Wars people, and almost all of those 460+ people play the game and I don’t personally know them. When they send friend requests, the message included would be “Please add me on your Mafia”, “Mafia Wars :)”, “Join My Mafia: *insert their link here*”, and so many other variants of personal messages related to it. Yes, this has been a fad for many “war freaks” and this app has also been one of the most popular as of the moment. Well, Pet Society would still be the number one addictive game for many and next would be Restaurant City, but nonetheless, Mafia Wars belongs to the Top 5.

Since this is a fad, it will soon pass and later on, another browser game shall invade Facebook. I’m predicting that Mafia Wars will stand on the most played for just a year, or until all levels are mostly completed by everyone. But then again, the levels are never-ending and they keep on improving the whole set-up of the game. I bet the creators of Mafia Wars continue to think of innovations (such as gift of Loots and Vault Collections) so that no one of us current addicts will switch to another, or completely leave the game :)

Summertime

Perhaps I could say that Summer is the time when people have the tendency to do the MIA or to stop being avid for a while. I have been noticing this for years and it has been noted that this period particularly is where mischievous things happen in my life. I also noticed that during this period, I got the crush overload thingy, where I lust for stars, hot guys, personalities, and even classmates in Summer class at UPD. Okay, so much for that. Right now, I haven’t spotted any cute guy from Political Science, and from STS, it is hard to spot one (imagine, you’re almost 150 students in an auditorium!!).

To make my summers less boring, I go to school and gain some units and learn different fields using my electives (I have 6 units left to use). This year, I picked up Political Science 14 (coming from the “Prof Miranda Trauma” last year, but I’m now more confident after passing under him) and STS (I targeted this since 2007!). STS is my current favorite subject ever, because the topics in the lecture are my interests: Science and Technology with bits of Social Sciences. Ever since I was a child, I fancied studying hardcore sciences like Biotech and all the seemingly impossible things that only science could prove and revoke. I loved the solar system and wondered if there were other “solar systems” with a different sun. Just yesterday, I listened well to Dean Caesar Saloma’s lecture on Science in the broadest sense. I learned new discoveries that are very interesting but not quite useful. Also, I learned that there’s already a 128 GB memory stick (or Flash Drive) that is waterproof and as small as my fingernails! It was so fantastic that my techie side wanted one in my wish list… 

Anyway, Political Science is also my recent like although I suffered and worked hard a lot for it last year (1st sem). Right now, I’m planning to take all the rest of my electives from the Department of Political Science, if I won’t be able to get Psych 142 next sem as an elective. My electives will only come from either Psychology, Sociology or Political Science as decided by me. Tomorrow, the first week of Summer classes is over. I only have 20 days left to spend. I wonder what more interesting things will occur to me for the rest of those 20 days…

Queuing Problems

Kanina ay naranasan kong maging biktima nanaman ng isa sa pinakamalaking problema kapag enrollment sa UP Diliman: Ang Napakahabang Pila. Last step ko na ito sa aking Summer 2009 enrollment, at sana kasing bilis pag regular enrollment kaya lang nakakadisappoint kasi naipon ang tao kanina. Holy week kasi nung nakaraan at biruin nyo, Wednesday palang ay bawal nang magbayad sa PNB. Wednesday. Ni wala pa nga ang spirit ng penetensya e, Thursday ang start ng hardcore Holy Week presence, at bukas pa ang mga malls non.

Okay, so nakakadisappoint kasi sa pagkaipon ng mga tao ay nagdulot ito ng perwisyo sa mga taong matagal na sanang bayad. May mga sumisingit pa nang lantaran (bale 4 ung sumingit slash nakisingit sa “friends” nila without asking the permiso of the people behind their “friends” na talagang nakakairita. I can’t help tuloy kanina but glare and look at them in an annoying manner. Kakainis at kakadagdag sa init ng ulong hatid ng matinding sikat ng araw. Grr talaga. Bwisit na mga Pilipino, walang disiplina.

At sa PNB naman, sana nung Wednesday e hinayaan nila na magbayad kami or yung UP Admin sana tsaka dapat dagdagan nila ang Windows sa enrollment, di naman kasi porket summer e onti mageenroll. Maraming rin o kasing dami rin ng reg sem ang nageenrol no. Hmp. Kainis talaga. Buti nalang, nawala badtrip ko kasi nagkita kami. :)